With all three of us lying in the bed, Mano said, “You know, if you call room service, you could have breakfast without putting on any clothes.”
“True,” I agreed. “But at the moment you are the only one of the three of us who is naked.”
“I’m not naked. I’m nude.”
“Nude? What’s the difference? Your wiener is wagging for all the world to see either way.”
“There is a huge difference. ‘Nude’ is more dignified than the more coarse ‘naked’.”
“Uh-huh. Sure, Mano. You’re so full of shit.”
“Actually I can see his point,” Kyle said.
“Hey, who rocks your boat? Him or me?”
“You do.”
“Then agree with me.”
“But he’s right.”
“So? I suck your dick until your eyes roll back in your head and you scream incoherent cries.”
“True. Okay. Mano, you’re on your own.”
“Isn’t it always the case? You can’t top a screaming-eyes-rolling-back-in-your-head.” He paused for a moment and said, “Hey, wait a minute. I’ve seen his dick.”
“How have you seen his dick?”
“Who do you think undressed you and poured your sorry asses into this bed last night?”
I looked at him suspiciously. “Did you have your nasty way with us while we were exposed and vulnerable?”
“Joseph! You couldn’t have gotten a hard-on last night any better than you could have walked across the room. Now this one,” he said, putting his hand on Kyle’s arm. “This one. Oh baby, that thing. Oh, you couldn’t keep that thing down. I had seven kinds of nasty ways with him.”
“You did not!” Kyle objected.
“Okay. Well, maybe it was just in my head, then, but I know there were seven kinds of nasty involved somewhere.”
“You, sir, are a very scary man,” I observed.
“No, just horny. Testosterone does weird shit to men. Makes us into animals being guided by the heat-seeking missile in our shorts.”
Kyle agreed to a degree. “You speak the truth, but at the moment your missile is not in your shorts but is rubbing up against my leg.”
“Mano! Hands off my boyfriend!” I scolded, reaching across to see if Kyle’s statement was true.
“It’s not my hands, Joseph,” Mano corrected.
“Put that thing away!” I ordered.
“Where? You two won’t help a man out here? And remember that all I wore yesterday was my Speedo. You know, if I don’t… relieve some pressure, I’m never gonna be able to get this thing back into that little itty-bitty piece of black Spandex. And when people start screaming as I go through the lobby, well, I’m just going to tell them that this is your fault. You did this to me.”
“Mano. You lying sack of excrement.”
“Sack of excrement?”
“Hey! I’ll have you know that I’ve got culture!”
Both Mano and Kyle burst out laughing at that point. When the laughter had finally died away, Mano said, “I like you guys. I’m so glad I got to meet you yesterday. You two have been such fun. I haven’t laughed so much in years. Thank you both so much.”
“I’m glad we could help.”
“You want to help me lance the lizard?”
“No!” both of us shouted simultaneously.
“Oh, I see, you just like to watch. No problem.”
“Mano, there will be no jerking off in this bed.”
“Okay. I can just fuck you. That works too.”
“Sorry,” Kyle said, “that’s my job.”
“Dude,” Mano said to me. “You suck that and you ride that monster? I’m impressed.”
“He’s not the only awesome guy here,” I noted.
“I guess not. Guys?”
“No!” we said without waiting for Mano to ask his question.
“What? All I was going to ask is that I get to watch you two doing the deed. I don’t really believe that little Joe over there is capable of handling the harpoon of love over here.”
“You are one twisted fucker, you know that?” I said.
“Well, duh? Sane people were all home in bed in their jammies having their Sleepytime Tea when I was hauling your sorry drunken asses back to this room last night. Twisted fuckers rule!”
“Mano,” I said, “I’m glad we met you too. Twisted or rectangular or whatever, you seem like a good guy. Thanks.”
“Finally. Does it always take that much work to get a simple thank-you out of you guys?”
Kyle looked at me and said, “Three, two, one.” And then together we said, “Thank you, Mano!”
“You’re very welcome. Now look away, I’ve got a wienie to whack over here.”
“You are—” I started.
“Adorable. I know. Now hush. I need to get a mental picture of this one lying on the bed all naked and lanky.” He closed his eyes and grabbed his penis once again.
“Hey, babe?” I said to Kyle. “You’re a doctor. Do you think you could castrate him before we go to eat? I think it would make the world a safer place for motherhood and shit like that.”
“It wouldn’t be a safer place,” Mano said. “All the mothers would be living with pissed-off daddies because I wasn’t on hand to provide a little holiday distraction for them. And let’s face it, I’m performing a valuable public service. Some of my favorite strangers have been daddies.”
“So, Kyle? What’s the verdict?”
“I don’t have a rusty shoehorn, so probably can’t nip off the little nubbins this morning.”
“I’ve got a pair of fingernail clippers. Would that work?”
Kyle reached over and grabbed Mano’s balls, causing the man to jump from the unexpected touch. (His eyes had been closed, after all.) “Nah, I think they’d be insufficient for the task at hand.”
“Um, excuse me, Kyle?”
“Yes?”
“You can let go of my nuts now, please.”
“Really?” Kyle said, tightening his grip a little bit rather than pulling away.
“Yes, really. Um, dude! Loosen the grip a little bit.”
“What? I don’t know what you mean.”
“Kyle, you took an oath to do no harm.”
“He’s got you there,” I agreed.
“True, but I also seem to have him—by the short curlies.”
“I’m so happy to see that I’ve found my lost tribe. You two are as twisted as I am.”
“I’ll have you know that Kyle is a fine, upstanding member of the medical community.”
Mano reached across and grabbed a handful of his own. “No, not so upstanding at the moment. But with
