I drank two cups of black coffee and poured myself a bowl of cornflakes before discovering the milk had gone off. I felt suddenly and violently hungry but there was nothing else to eat, except a tin of sweetcorn in the cupboard. I opened that and had a couple of large spoonfuls, but it wasn’t a very satisfying breakfast and, anyway, hungry as I was, I also felt sick.
Sally, when she arrived, was dressed as though for a job interview in black trousers that were too tight for her, a black tailored jacket and a white shirt. Her hair was tied up and she wore small gold studs in her ears.
‘You look smart.’
She grimaced. ‘You must think I’m an idiot.’
‘Not at all. Come in. I can offer you coffee without milk, or tea, also without milk.’
‘Coffee, please.’
We sat at my little table and she burbled about a broken night, then stopped abruptly, tears welling up in her eyes. ‘This is a farce. You know, don’t you?’
‘Know what?’ Of course I knew, but knowing wasn’t the same as hearing it spoken.
‘About Hayden.’
‘Tell me,’ I said, straining to keep my voice steady. I felt my features harden into a parody of a normal expression.
‘It’s why I went to the police. He can’t just have disappeared. I don’t believe it. He wouldn’t do that. He would have said something to me, I know he would.’ But she made the statement sound like a question, then gave a small, tearful laugh. ‘I’m not being very coherent, am I? Sorry. It’s just so—I’m all over the place, if you really want to know. Do you have a tissue?’
I went to the bathroom and returned with a toilet roll that I handed over.
‘I wanted to tell you before. I knew you wouldn’t be judgemental. But I felt—I felt so ashamed. And so happy too. Alive for the first time in ages. He made me feel alive.’
‘Hayden did?’
‘Yes. Sorry. We had a—a thing together. Maybe you knew about it anyway—at the time, I mean. I thought it might be obvious.’
‘Not until the necklace.’
‘The thing is, he was so nice to me. Stupid word. “Nice” isn’t a word to use about someone like him. From the very first moment I met him, he made me feel special, as if he really saw me—not Sally the housewife, not Sally the mother, but me. He said I was gorgeous. Do you know how long it is since someone told me that? You know, when you have a kid, you just disappear. Richard goes to work in the morning and comes back in the evening and he’s tired and I’m tired and we don’t really talk about anything except arrangements, and I can’t remember the last time we had sex. And all my friends—even you, Bonnie, and it’s not your fault—you’re out there in the world, falling in love and having fun and earning money, and it feels as if all that’s over for me. I’ve been going around down in the dumps, with greasy hair and stained jumpers and bags under my eyes, and suddenly this man comes along and makes me feel wanted again. Do you know what I mean?’
‘Yes.’ But I didn’t want to think about it, or imagine the two of them together. I’d go mad if I thought about that.
‘I love Lola and I wouldn’t be without her. And I love Richard too. In a way. But we don’t notice each other any more. Then along comes Hayden. You know what he’s like.’
I made an indeterminate noise and gulped some coffee, though I already felt jittery with too much caffeine.
‘He ate my cakes and drank my tea and told me I was lovely—that I looked lovely. He laughed at things I said, and took Lola off my hands, and asked me questions about myself as if he really wanted to know the answer, and it was like being a teenager again—you know, butterflies in my stomach. Before he came along, I just wanted to sleep all the time. I was so tired I felt I could sleep for days on end and still be tired. Suddenly I felt full of energy, fizzing.’
‘So you had an affair.’ My voice sounded dry as dead leaves.
‘You couldn’t really call it that.’ Sally’s voice wobbled. ‘That makes it sound important. It was only twice. And it wasn’t even as if it ended—nothing happened, he still smiled at me and touched my hand and behaved as if I was special, he just didn’t do anything about it any more.’
‘When did all this happen?’ I wanted to know if we had overlapped.
But Sally didn’t answer. Instead, she said earnestly, ‘I think he’s a damaged person. Something must have hurt him once and now he’s—Well . . . I don’t blame him. I think it did mean something to him. I’m sure it did. It must have. Maybe he stopped because he didn’t want to wreck my marriage.’ She gave a gulpy hiccup and dabbed her eyes again. ‘I thought I could help him, give him love and make him feel better about himself. Don’t laugh.’
‘I wasn’t. What about Richard?’
‘You mean, does he know? I was so terrified of him finding out. I thought someone might put two and two together and tell him or something—and the weird thing was, I gave myself away. I told on myself. I just found myself saying it. It had got so grim between us and he knew something was wrong and he was horrible about Hayden anyway, called him a—Well, never mind that. He definitely suspected something. That’s why he refused to let the band play in the house again—though he didn’t suspect I’d been unfaithful. He doesn’t think of me sexually any more, so I guess he couldn’t imagine anyone else thinking of me like that either. Maybe I wanted to hurt him, shock him out
