“You only wear the mask until you no longer have to,” Gemma assured her. “Then you share an understanding that does not require masks, explanation, or reason.”
Marianne nodded fervently beside her.
There was nothing to do except sigh at the shared insight of her friends, particularly when Lily had nothing else to go by and no other guidance in these matters.
“We’re naturally gravitating towards our own, independent ways,” she admitted to them, not bothering to hide the note of resignation in her voice. “London patterns are well established for us by now, and we keep to them despite anything else. I’m as much to blame as he, making calls and outings as I normally would. I, who has determined to be more encouraging, cannot seem to do so here. There is too much else to do, too many distractions. We are too set in our ways.”
Gemma shook her head in sympathy. “It is London, Lily. I may have met and courted my husband here, but we did not love each other here. We had to leave this place to find our way to each other.”
“So did we,” Marianne reminded them both. “Nothing pleasant happened for us here until we were already in love. Some people can find romance in London, but I was not one of them.”
“Nor I.” Gemma smiled fondly. “Perhaps you and Granger should get out of London to start again.”
“I would love to,” Lily admitted without shame. “But where would we go? Things would be worse at Rainford. We are so separated there.”
Marianne’s fair brow furrowed in thought. “You could go out to Somerset and use Glendare while we are in London. If either of you would be comfortable there. That was where everything changed for us, and it is pleasantly removed from the village, though not remote.”
There was something appealing about the idea of removing to the coast, and knowing the place was a favorite of her friend’s and held fond memories certainly spoke in its favor.
And yet…
How could she improve things with her husband if she was reminded of Kit and Marianne around every corner?
“What about Thornacre?” Gemma offered helpfully. “It’s such a beautiful place, and so comfortable. Granger would be at ease at once, I am sure of it.”
If only that were true.
If only it could be true.
But in someone else’s home, particularly someone he knew, Lily felt certain he would not be able to settle and lose some of his reserve. He, too, would be seeing shadows of their friends in every aspect of the house and would not feel wholly himself.
If there was anything they needed, it was to be more of their true selves and less of their past selves. Could they find those people again?
“I just don’t think either place would suit our present needs and aims,” Lily confessed. She sighed and glanced at her husband, seeing him less actively engaged than before, though still involved in the conversations.
He looked up as though he knew she had been looking, and this time, she saw a hint of longing there, something longsuffering and almost pained, and she wondered at it. Was he desperate to be away from his group and not certain how to manage it? Was he feeling that way toward Lily in particular?
She wanted to go to him, rescue him from the conversation he seemed trapped in, but her hesitation locked her feet in place.
What if he wanted freedom, but not with her?
It seemed a silly idea, given he had invited her to London with him, but her fears were founded in their past behaviors. He had avoided her at every turn possible, short of truly abandoning her, and with that, had given her insecurities that would not be easily shaken.
She could not march across the room to her husband and call him to her side. Could not summon him from across the room, either. Could not do anything where he was concerned with any degree of confidence. She could rely on him to see her home in their coach, and that was all.
And the realization of that burned across her heart as though laying fresh wounds.
“I must get away,” Lily whispered to her friends, the words hitching in her throat. “If there is any hope of improving my marriage, it must be away.”
“I had no idea,” Marianne murmured, eyes wide, her beauty undiminished by her shock. “No idea at all that you still felt something for him.”
Lily tried for a smile; the strain of it was too much to fully form. “I’ve always felt something, but that something is getting harder and harder to define. I cannot bear the thought of feeling nothing at all, and yet that looms ever closer the more we live like this.”
“You deserve a marriage of equal attachment,” Gemma told her, putting a hand on her arm and squeezing gently. “Whatever the measure of it, you deserve to not stand alone in your emotions.”
“I have no notion of how he feels for me. Or that he feels for me at all. He is a good man, there is no denying that.”
Marianne made a soft sound of hesitation, but Gemma elbowed her into silence.
Lily ignored them. “He takes prodigious care of me and our tenants. What he has done for Rainford and the local businesses has been remarkable, and his keen mind has clearly been put to good use.”
“But?”
Startled out of her thoughts, Lily looked at Gemma in surprise.
Her friend smiled. “Surely there is a ‘but’ coming, is there not?”
That there was.
Lily returned her smile. “But he is not the man he was, and I cannot let myself be resigned in this marriage until I am sure that the man I am married to is the man I wish to continue to be married to. If there is any hope that I may yet find the Thomas I once loved, I cannot be content.”
“Nor should
