Finally, he set the glass on the desk and said, “It's always a different person, but it's always a man.”
I couldn't focus on anything. Not Walter. Not Richard. Not Matthew.
I spotted the stapler on the desk and burst into laughter. The vibrations in my chest released a dam and kept my body from seizing under the enormous pressure. I slapped both hands on the desk. My palms stung. I kept laughing. Tears formed at the corners of my eyes.
My entire life with my father sped through my mind. Short snippets of conversations and arguments and the moment he'd taken Tim from me replayed in a mix of unorganized insight. I laughed harder. “Does he suck their cocks? Does he fuck them? Or do they fuck him?” The laugh bellowed out of me. I smacked my hands on the desk again. “No, no. I don't want to know that. God, do I?” I looked up. Richard and Matthew stared at me, eyes wide, brows drawn in close, deep worry lines visible from across the room. I sounded mad, crazed. I knew it.
The laugh slowed and then tapered off after a few more uncontrollable spurts. I met Richard's stare.
I took a deep breath and nodded.
“Go on, Walter,” Richard said. “Say the rest.”
“Right. This isn't a new development. When you're at his level, paying for sex is a hard thing to hide. He's working so hard to control your actions, but it doesn't seem like he can control his own. Although, he tries. The rent boys stop for a few months at a time, but it always starts up again.” Walter moved to stand beside my chair. “He hates you for being what he can't. I think he's afraid you'll find out and use it against him.”
“Why would I ever use being gay against someone? Even my father.”
“I hope you can forgive me for not telling you as soon as I found out. I wasn't sure if you'd want to know.”
I wiped the tears off my face. “I don't think I was ready to hear or accept this before now. But I needed to.”
He gave my shoulder a pat and crossed the room.
“Walter?”
He stopped by the door and faced me.
“Could you check into someone named Danny Conner?”
“Yeah. What am I looking for?”
“He went to college with my father. They were friends. Or maybe they were more. I don't know for sure. But Conner died of a drug overdose the day before their graduation.”
“You think your father had something to do with it?” Walter asked.
“I think my father gave him the cocaine that night.”
Richard stood taller. His body stiffened.
Walter shook his head. “Why?”
“Maybe Conner was going to out my father. So he gave him some bad shit to shut him up.”
Richard stepped closer to the desk. “How did you find this out?”
“A reporter called me, hinting that my father had something in his past he was hiding. I started checking into it.”
“Of course he has something to hide,” Walter said. “He's gay, and he's paying for sex.”
“Maybe it's more than that.” Was it? Was I seeing what I wanted to?
Richard leaned over the desk, his palms flat on the surface. “This isn't something you should be digging into.”
“Why? If he killed Conner, I need to know. Everyone needs to know.”
“I'll look into it,” Walter said. “How do you know he had the drugs that night?”
“His friend gave me a picture that was taken three hours before Conner died. Conner's watch with the coke was in my father's pocket.”
“Okay. Let me see what I can find out.”
“Thanks, Walter.” I closed my eyes as Richard and Matthew said their good-byes and walked him to the door.
The truth hit me again, slamming into me as my head hit the chair behind me.
Warm hands tugged me out of the office chair. My head landed on Richard's chest. Matthew snuggled in beside me, his arm around my waist.
“I can't believe I never saw it. I should have. His hatred of me... it was too specific, too personal, even if I was his son. There was more there, and I didn't want to see it. I wanted to keep my distance, keep him from feeling at ease about me. I never wanted to give him anything to use against me. If I had no one, nothing important in my life, he couldn't take anything else from me. Now he's hurting you.”
“He's not taking me from you,” Richard said. “He'll hurt himself by asking too many people to intervene in my business. Eventually it'll get out what he's been doing. I have plenty of money. Plenty of contacts who know me. Let him play his games. In the end, we'll be the ones who come out with our dignity and self-respect intact.”
When I didn't speak, Richard pulled back. “Luke?”
“I knew he'd never leave us alone. Walter suggested I go to the press, turn him in for making the threats against us. That doesn't sit right with me. It'll anger him more.”
Matthew's arm tightened around me. “I don't want to see him when he's angrier than tonight.”
“I'm sorry I didn't tell you about him. I wasn't sure you'd want me to stay, knowing who he is— knowing what we'll be up against.”
Matthew kissed me. “I don't care who he is. You're deserving of his love, and he threw you aside. Well, you're ours now, and we're not giving you up.”
“I wouldn't let myself destroy this; I'm sure as hell not letting him.”
Richard ran his hand up and
