I described it all, how I was cornered into hurting that boy, how I was arrested for it and decided to run off, how disappointed I was in Mama when I found her in thatclinic, and how betrayed I felt when my uncle tricked me and got me taken here. I was never as mean to anyone as they were to me, I wrote. I don't deserve this.
As to my fears, I couldn't come up with much except what I had feared when I was a little girl and could actually hear the rats scratching their way through the walls, visiting different apartments as if the whole place were a mall for rats who could shop in this one's kitchen cabinets and then another and pass the news on to the world of rats out there: Come to Phoebe Elder's home. Her mother is a slob. Lots to eat on the floor and counters, and she's so out of it nights in a drunken coma, she won't even know we 're there.
I used to curl up in my bed, wrapping the blanket so tightly around myself it was a wonder I didn't smother to death. Some nights I sobbed myself to sleep. Some nights I woke up positive a rat had crawled over my legs or sniffed my hair. I would throw off my blanket and turn on the lamp, but thankfully, I never saw one in my room. That didn't mean I didn't believe they had been there, however. I imagined their tiny footprints everywhere, and sometimes, I was sure I saw a pair of beady little eyes watching me from some crack in the wall.
I had no idea how much I had written in the notebook when I raised my head. I saw Teal had given in, and she and Robin were still reluctantly at it themselves. Then I heard the door open and saw M'Lady Two hand M'Lady Three a tumbler of ice water. Teal and Robin also watched her drinking it. She seemed to take longer and slurp it for our benefit. She spilled what she hadn't finished on the floor and looked at us with a smile so spiteful it made anger simmer my blood into a rolling boil.
I squirmed in my seat. My need to pee had becomeimpossible to ignore. Soon there would be no way to keep it from happening. It brought new tears to my eyes, tears that escaped my lids. I embraced myself and rocked as I moaned.
M'Lady Three got up and walked toward me. “What's wrong with you?”
“I have to pee, badly.”
“So pee. You're wearing a diaper. We'll change you afterward.”
I looked up at her in shock. I could see she was serious. It put me into a small panic, and when I looked at Teal, she seemed angrier about it than I could be. Then she nodded at me, her eyes small, urging me to call her bluff. Only I knew it wasn't a bluff. Robin looked down, ashamed for me.
M'Lady Three turned back to the door and then I let it go. It dripped off the chair. She looked back, smiling. Then she opened the door and shouted, “Get up a diaper. Baby One had an accident.”
I heard some laughter outside.
I was crying harder now, the tears of shame and rage sliding off my cheeks as if my skin had turned to ice, my fists at my sides, my nails digging into my palms.
“Bitch,” Teal shouted at M'Lady Three.
Her smile faded. “One word without specific permission. One extra hour for all of you to spend in here,” she pronounced like a judge laying the death sentence on some convicted murderer.
M'Lady One returned with a new diaper for me. Teal and Robin watched with disgust and rage. Then Teal stood up and just let go. Robin smiled and did the same. M'Lady One and M'Lady Three looked at each other, then M'Lady Three smiled back at Teal and Robin.
“Gee, girls, sorry,” she moaned as if she really cared,
“but we had only one extra diaper.” Her phony smile vanished. “Now sit down and shut up,” she snapped at them. Their faces of defiance quickly changed into faces of disgust and panic. “Sit down or we'll keep you here two more hours for every minute you're standing.”
Without any other choice, they did what they were told, both grimacing with discomfort. I returned to my seat and held up my completely filled composition book. M'Lady One took it and flipped through the pages. Then she took the pen and left.
Robin and Teal started to write faster, the need to get out of here that much greater.
M'Lady Three shook her head and smiled at them gleefully. “That's better, girls. The faster you all learn that obeying orders makes things easier for you, the better off you'll be.”
When Robin and Teal were finished, they lifted their notebooks and M'Lady Three took them, checked them, and went to the door. She handed them to M'Lady Two and looked at us.
“After your hour's punishment, we'll be learning the school prayer,” she said, and left.
“I'm taking this off,” Robin said, standing immediately and removing the wet diaper. Teal did the same.
“They're crazy. That doctor's crazy. I'm not staying here,” Teal vowed.
“Really? What do you intend to do? Catch a cab home?” Robin asked.
“I don't know. Something.”
“You better not let them hear you talking or they'll tack on more time,” I warned them.
“Don't tell me what to do! I don't give a damn! I won't . . .” Teal stopped and slammed her lips shut when she heard the door opening.
M'Lady Three returned. “Lucky for you two, we found two extra diapers,” she sang.
