I wondered where Jan was. Probably off celebrating her retirement. It wouldn't surprise me. When Nola and I had been busy making fun of the rules, all I could think was how difficult it would be to manage all the requests and rules people wanted to enforce.
"And I'm so glad Jan agreed to let me make the announcement. Our new HOA president is a man who recently moved to the neighborhood. We usually prefer someone who has been a resident for a little while longer, but there couldn't be a more perfect choice for the president of the HOA. As many of you have experienced tonight, he's very knowledgeable about properties and policies. I think he is the perfect addition to our neighborhood. I'd like you all to give a big congratulations to our new HOA president, Bane Fox!"
Cough. Wheeze. Gasp.
I couldn't stop coughing. A slender hand pounded on my back while a familiar laugh rang in my ear. "Now you've done it, Bartholomew," Nola told me quietly. "Good job not drawing attention to yourself. Better make a good, forgettable acceptance speech now. Carol looks especially proud of herself. You'll make a wonderful homeowner's association president."
I spun to face her, pressing my forehead against hers, grasping her by the shoulders. "Nola. This is serious. They've elected me. I didn't even know I was in the running. I can't be president."
Her eyes sparkled when I looked into them that closely. "Why not?"
I whispered furiously, "I'm homeless. That has to be in the bylaws somewhere. I’m pretty sure you have to own a home to be in an association."
"It's not that bad."
Carol's voice rang through the megaphone, "A recent homeowner himself..."
How long of an introduction was necessary for an HOA president? It's not like I was going to be a likeable character. As a matter of fact, I was about to become the most unpopular man in the neighborhood. Everyone loved complaining about HOA presidents. There were probably clubs devoted to it. Entire Facebook groups devoted to complaints.
Pulling back from Nola, I immediately missed the soft smell of coconut and grapefruit that seemed to follow her.
"If you could just wave big now, Bane," Carol was saying to me through the megaphone. Nola lifted my limp arm from my side and waved it in the air. I glared down at her, but she just grinned. Carol continued speaking, "Everybody see Bane? He's the one to go to if you have questions about current policies, or if you have any future ideas or complaints."
"Thank you, everyone," I nodded and smiled stiffly. "I'll try to look out for the best interests of the neighborhood while I'm here."
Carol winked at me, then said, "Any questions or concerns, and you can call or text. I'll be sure to get Bane's number and text it to you all. One more wave, so everyone knows who to look for when they have questions."
With another big wave, I stepped toward the shadows where Nola stood. "Quick, let’s get out of here. I don't want to stay here too long and give them a chance to come talk to me."
We turned around to make our getaway but came face to face with a Civil War veteran. Okay, he wasn't that old, but his glasses were thick enough to be bulletproof. "You'll make a terrible HOA president."
I nodded. "You're probably right."
"With a name like Fox, how do I know I can trust you?"
"Well, that's an excellent question—what did you say your name was?"
"Fredrick Rolston," he barked.
"Fredrick, I can understand your concerns. I'm new to the neighborhood. Honestly, I'll be speaking with Jan and Carol the first chance I get. I feel as though it isn't fair to the other residents to have someone so new to the area. You should be the president." Anyone should be the president but me. "I'm not familiar with the struggles and nuances of this neighborhood. I don't think I'd be able to represent everyone the way they deserve, so I’ll be stepping down."
Fredrick's face softened, or maybe the light shifted. "You're stuck now. Guess we'll see if you make a muddle of it."
With that, he stomped off.
Nola slipped her hand into mine—lacing our fingers together. My heart leapt into my throat, and it had nothing to do with the shock of being elected head of the HOA.
"Congratulations!" A shrill voice said behind us. I turned around, keeping a firm grip on Nola. It was the woman with the big blonde hair. "My name is Marcia. Now, I just have a few questions about that noise ordinance..."
CHAPTER TWELVE
Homeowners Association Rule #61:
Outdoor lightbulbs must be white.
It was another hour before we could get away from the HOA meeting. Bane was inundated with questions. Jan looked positively gleeful when she handed over the HOA manual to him—we almost needed a wheelbarrow to carry it back to the house.
When there was finally a break in the questions, Bane had grabbed my hand and practically sprinted back to our house with me in tow. I’d been fairly certain he was in great shape. His mad dash toward freedom only confirmed that his muscles weren’t only for show.
Gasping for air by the time we got back to the house, I croaked out, "Water!"
Once I got a drink of water, I turned to Bane.
His eyes were wide, the look of horror he’d had when they announced him as president still stuck on his face.
"You're the—you're—" I gasped, trying to catch my breath in between my laughter. "You're the new HOA president."
Bane rummaged around the freezer and pulled out a carton of ice cream. He slammed it down on the counter and scooped the entire contents into a bowl. It made a tall mountain of chocolate.
"Mr. HOA. It has a nice ring to it," I said as he glared at me.
He sat down in the living room in that giant overstuffed recliner and tackled the tower of ice cream with determination.
"We're in deep—" He paused. "Trouble."
I sobered and walked into the living room, where
