But by far the most difficult thing to deal with was what was right there in front of us every day. Being with Mrs. Kennedy and John and Caroline, seeing their sadness, the hollowness in their eyes, and feeling that we were the cause of their anguish. When Mrs. Kennedy had asked me, What’s going to happen to you now, Mr. Hill? I had told her, I’ll be okay. But as the time went on, I wondered if any of us would ever be okay.
On June 12, 1964, Paul handed in his resignation. He had given himself six months to see if he would feel better. But nothing got better. It got worse and worse. It was just too damn painful.
I was disappointed that he was leaving, but I understood. I understood completely.
That summer, the summer of 1964, Mrs. Kennedy decided to move to New York City. There, among the crowds, she thought perhaps she and her children might be able to somehow blend in, and have some privacy. All she ever wanted was a little privacy.
I took her house hunting, and she finally settled on a large apartment across from Central Park at 1040 Fifth Avenue. It was close to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, just a few blocks from Stephen and Jean Kennedy Smith’s place, and within walking distance of the Carlyle Hotel. She knew the neighborhood well, and it was exactly what she wanted. While the apartment was being furnished and decorated, I lived at the Carlyle, in a small room on the same floor as Mrs. Kennedy’s suite, and stayed there for a few months after she moved in to the apartment.
Mrs. Kennedy had an office on Park Avenue, and Nancy Tuckerman had stayed on as her assistant. She was working on plans for the Kennedy Library, and continued to answer the thousands of letters that continued to pour in.
It was coming up on a year since the assassination, and both of us realized it was time to move on. On my last day in New York, she threw a surprise farewell party for me in her office. There weren’t many people there—just her small staff, and the other agents. They tried to make it upbeat and we shared memories of the fun times we had had together. Mrs. Kennedy brought out a large cardboard poster that they had all signed. The poster had a cutout picture of an anonymous Secret Service agent, complete with sunglasses. Above the agent, in big letters it said: MUDDY GAP WYOMING WELCOMES ITS NEWEST CITIZEN. Not knowing what my next assignment was, it was a joke insinuating I was being sent to some remote town out in the middle of nowhere. We all laughed—it was typical of Mrs. Kennedy’s humor.
Then she handed me a black three-ring binder filled with photos that chronicled our four years together. The title page said: THE TRAVELS OF CLINTON J. HILL.
Under each photo were typewritten captions like: GREECE: At first he stayed unobtrusively in the background (only recognized by his dark glasses). There were photos of me carrying her bags in various places and the caption read: ANY PLACE: Our able agents are always eager to serve. There was the photo in the rowboat near Paestum, Italy, in which I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and she was laughing like crazy: ITALY—Musical accompaniment to the pull of the oars. There were pictures from Ravello—the ones the press had taken of her in her bathing suit, and swimming, and one in which she’s on a sailboat giving me instructions. Morocco—a photo of us walking and laughing, on which she had handwritten: Mr. Hill—Are you happy in your work?—JBK.
It was priceless.
We had been through so much together, Mrs. Kennedy and me. More than anyone can imagine.
More than anyone can ever know.
EPILOGUE
MAY 1994
She is one of the most iconic and recognizable women in the world. Elegant, dignified, the epitome of class, a lady in every sense of the word. Now Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis lay dying of cancer, in the New York City apartment she had called home for thirty years, and I couldn’t control my tears.
I knew she was ill, of course. I had read in the Washington Post in February that she had been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and was undergoing treatment. The reports had been convincing that the disease was in its early stages and treatable. For the briefest of moments, I had thought about calling her. But when I rehearsed in my mind what I might say, I couldn’t seem to find the right words. We had been to hell and back, Mrs. Kennedy and me, and while we had both gone on with our lives—if you could call it that—I knew that the mere sound of my voice would take her back to that one day that changed everything, and the sound of her voice would do the same to me. It was just too damn painful. I couldn’t bring myself to dial the number.
I hadn’t heard much about her condition again in the media, but I found myself thinking of her more frequently, and wondering how she was doing.
A few days earlier, I had received a call from Dave Carpenter, the Secret Service Special Agent in Charge of presidential protection.
“Mr. Hill,” he said, “President Clinton and I were talking about the Kennedy administration, and your name came up. We were talking about the terrible tragedies the family has endured, and now, the sad news that Mrs. Kennedy is so terribly ill.”
“Yes,” I answered. “I was aware that she is undergoing treatment for cancer.”
“Well, we were talking about how much she meant to the people of the United States—and the entire world—and the president asked me if I knew whatever happened to the agent who had been with Mrs. Kennedy. I told him that you had retired, and you still
