In the classroom I felt like I was on another planet. I constantly marvelled at how other girls looked so pretty and loved and cared for, and wondered why I couldn’t be like them. What had I done to be treated so badly by both my parents? And why did Mother Dorothy give out so much steam to me when it wasn’t my fault I was smelly and dirty, and my head always felt so full and sore I couldn’t do my work properly?
At home, I tried to keep out of trouble. I wanted to be as invisible as possible and, thankfully, my parents ignored me whenever it suited them.
However, it meant, whenever they did speak to me, it spelt trouble of one sort or another. I dreaded them talking to me.
‘Cynthia, you’re to come downstairs,’ I heard Daddy call. I had been lying awake in bed as usual when I heard him come in, and had been surprised to hear another man’s voice downstairs too.
Mammy was chatting away brightly, pouring drinks, and I had fallen asleep not long afterwards, feeling relieved Daddy had a ‘friend’ over and was downstairs drinking for once instead of upstairs hurting me.
I had grabbed at the chance of sleep, but now Daddy was calling in my ear, leaning over me and rocking my shoulder.
‘Come downstairs straight away!’ he told me firmly. Daddy seemed quite excited and was pulling me out of the bed. ‘Quickly. In your vest and knickers is fine. Don’t get dressed,’ he ordered.
I wondered what was going on. Normally Mammy never let me back downstairs at night, and it must have been very late, too, if Daddy was in from the pub.
‘I want you to sing the song “Scarlet Ribbons”,’ Daddy said.
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and scampered down the stairs filled with nervous curiosity. I was introduced to the ‘friend’ in the living room, and immediately noticed he seemed to be licking his lips.
I didn’t like that, but I did as I was told and sang the song. I loved singing, and because ‘Scarlet Ribbons’ was one of Daddy’s favourite songs I’d sung it lots of times and knew it well. As soon as I started singing I remembered what had happened at Christmas after I sang it.
I had taken Daddy’s dinner upstairs, and then Christmas was ruined. That wouldn’t happen tonight though. Daddy had a ‘friend’ over. Even Mammy was smiling. I sang my heart out, and everyone was beaming.
‘The nice man is sleeping here tonight,’ Daddy said to me afterwards. ‘He is sleeping in your bed - so go and show him where your bed is.’
This took me by surprise, and my heart started beating faster. I didn’t want to share my bed with a stranger.
I wondered what would happen in the bed. Was this man just a ‘friend’ of Daddy’s who needed somewhere to sleep, or was something going to happen?
I sat quietly downstairs worrying while the man went out to his car and came back with some cigarettes and a crate of beer, which he handed to Mammy. Then he gave her a large bunch of notes, and climbed the stairs with me.
I pointed to the bed, and the strange man took off his clothes and got in first, in his underwear, on the inside, nearest to the wall.
I really didn’t want to get in the bed, but I knew I had to do what Daddy told me. The man stripped off his underwear and started pointing at his private parts, as if he was suggesting I touch him down below.
He did it in quite a gentle, coaxing way and, although I was horrified, I didn’t feel as frightened as when Daddy forced my hand down and made me touch him.
I didn’t want to touch this man though, so I shook my head and said, ‘No.’ He moved closer to me, and I started to panic in case he got rough and aggressive like Daddy. ‘No, please! I don’t want to!’ I stammered, putting my hands over my face.
After a while I heard him get out of bed and go downstairs. I lay wide-eyed now, my stomach in tight little knots as I panicked about what might happen next.
The man returned with Mammy, whose eyes were blazing, even though she was talking calmly. ‘Stop being silly and let the nice man do what he wants,’ she said.
I felt petrified. What did he want to do to me? Why was Mammy making me do things with this strange man? I just wanted to go to sleep in peace. I was tired and frightened, but Mammy was getting agitated, and that might make things go really bad.
‘Just do it, Cynthia!’ she ordered crossly. Now the man was kneeling on the bed, and I could see his ‘thing’. It scared me to death, and I started to shudder and slam my legs together. I struggled, but Mammy had hold of me and was trying to push me on top of that thing.
‘It won’t take a minute,’ she told me impatiently, but still I struggled. I knew the pain that lay in store if I sat on him. I couldn’t face it.
‘I won’t hurt you,’ the man said.
It did hurt though. I wasn’t sure exactly what he did, but my mind went blank and I cried afterwards for a very long time.
As I lay there sobbing and shaking I listened to Mammy and Daddy and his ‘friend’ talking politely downstairs. It was so strange. Would it always be like this?
The next day at school, I couldn’t get the previous night out of my head. I wanted to tell my friend Eileen all about it to try to make some sense of what had happened, but I just knew I shouldn’t talk about it. Besides, I would never have found the words.
Esther came back for
