I will never forget the first time I saw Theresa. Margaret carried her home from hospital in a pink blanket, and I had to stand on the dwarf wall in the front garden to peep inside the bundle. My heart melted, and I fell in love with her instantly.
She was perfect, and I wished her arrival would bring good things. By now, I knew better than to get my hopes up, though. From the moment I saw her, I was afraid that her being there would cause more rows and trouble at home.
Chapter 11
Daddy’s Friends
‘Come on, Cynthia, we’re goin’ out!’ Mammy said, pulling me out of bed.
It was very dark in the bedroom. Black blobs danced around in my head. I must have been fast asleep, because I hadn’t heard Mammy come in. ‘Get dressed quick!’ she hissed.
‘Why, Mammy, what’s happening?’ I stuttered. I felt scared, yet I was still half asleep. I didn’t know where I was. Why was Mammy pulling me out of bed?
‘Your da is already up there!’ The black shapes stopped me from thinking properly. I wanted to wake up fully. I wanted to snap out of my sleep, but I couldn’t. My head felt fuzzy. My brain felt like a heavy iron ball slamming around, banging on my skull. The pavement was wet and the air felt damp. My legs were freezing and my eyeballs felt icy cold in my woolly head. Mammy was taking me somewhere. ‘Keep walking! Act normal!’ she said.
Mammy knew where she was going. ‘Daddy is already up there,’ she said again, breathlessly. It felt as if I was going through a dark tunnel. I didn’t argue, I just kept walking, feeling like I was sleepwalking through the streets.
‘We’re here! Here we are, Cynthia!’ Mammy said at last. I looked up and saw a creepy-looking building.
I’d never been here before. Why was I here now? Why did Daddy want me here with him in the middle of the night?’
I turned round to ask Mammy what was happening, but she had gone. She had pushed me in the door, and I was standing in a big, cold room on my own.
There were more dark shapes now, but they weren’t in my head. They were in front of my eyes. The shapes started moving and talking. ‘She’s pretty!’ one of the shapes said. ‘Who’s first then?’
Candles flickered, and I could see faces lighting up inside the black shapes. I recognized Daddy’s face, and there were lots of other men too; I could hear them laughing as they came towards me.
My whole head felt like a bulging black cloud now. I wanted it to explode. I wanted to cry and shout, but my body wasn’t working properly. When the men started touching me and passing me around, I felt like I was wading through concrete that was slowly setting around my limbs.
I couldn’t control my body at all. They seemed to be able to move me around however they wanted.
They lay me on a table and took turns to hurt me really badly while the others watched. They were smiling and enjoying themselves, but I was in agony. Couldn’t they see? I think I passed out.
Mammy was waiting outside afterwards, and she gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen on her face when she pulled me back out the door. ‘Let’s go, Cynthia!’ she said, linking her arm through mine and taking my weight. She practically carried me home, and threw me back in bed like a sack of dirty laundry.
I blacked out the second my head hit the pillow. When I woke up I thought I’d had a nightmare. I could see the candles, the sweaty legs and ugly skin, and I could hear the men’s menacing laughter. I touched my face and legs and arms in disbelief. I remembered the night before, the horror. And I’d missed school. I’d woken up far too late, and nobody had bothered to get me up.
Mammy was still sleeping, so I crept out of the back door and ran to the building, retracing my steps in floods of tears. I sat on the curb outside for hours, until my whole body felt numb. It was as if I was only half there. I stared at every window, wondering if I might see one of the men again. Had it really happened? I knew it had, but I didn’t want to believe it. I wished it was a nightmare. Why was my mind so foggy? My head was pounding. What on earth had gone on? All the black shapes danced around in my head like ghosts, haunting and taunting me.
Someone I recognized rode past on a bike and shouted, ‘Hi, Cynthia! How you doin’?’ That cheery voice snapped me out of my trance, and I suddenly thought, Oh God, Daddy will kill me if he sees me here! I ran straight home, feeling sick with confusion.
It must have been Tuesday now, because when I got home Mammy sent me to the post office for our Children’s Allowance money. It always got paid on the first Tuesday of the month, and it was always my job to collect it then go to the shops.
She said nothing about the night before. I was relieved she seemed to be acting normal and wasn’t cross with me for running out without telling her, but then she said that this month, she had some special instructions for me. She explained that once I’d collected the allowance money, I was to put it away in my pocket and not spend it on shopping like I normally did.
I was confused, because she then went on to tell me what food and drink we needed, and where to fetch it from. She gave me specific addresses I had to visit to collect the shopping, but emphasized
