I nod.
‘Miri’s only been like this for a year and a bit. I thought that was long, but twenty-six years . . . I guess you’re going to tell me it gets easier.’
I choose my words carefully. ‘I think a lot of people do find that. But to be honest, for me it hasn’t gotten easier. It’s just unrelentingly painful. But most people appear to get better.’
He wipes his eyes, and seems to feel inspired by my words. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever feel better. I’m so sick of people telling me I will.’
‘Trust me,’ I say with a laugh. ‘I know exactly how that feels.’
‘Thanks.’ He smiles and looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t.
I stand up, and it’s awkward, I’m not sure exactly how to leave. I give him a little pat on the shoulder. ‘See you,’ I say.
‘See you.’
I walk down the passage, wondering if he’ll really never feel better, but then I sigh. Of course he will. They all do. It’s just me who can’t ever move on.
FRIDAY
Julia
I wake up early feeling nauseous. I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy or because Daniel seems to have wrapped his entire body around mine, but I’m hot and sweaty and uncomfortable. I try to push him away but he tightens his grip and I feel his penis stirring against my leg. I push him more forcefully and he rolls away from me, still, it would seem, fast asleep. I get out of bed and run to the toilet, but when I get there, I don’t feel so sick any more. I drink some water and look at myself in the mirror. I look tired and unattractive, which is insane given how much I’ve been sleeping. I turn to the side and look at my stomach. There’s no sign of a baby yet – maybe just a slight swelling where I used to be flatter. Claire’s flat stomach probably showed the baby from the word go, but my figure is bumpier. I sigh in frustration, and start trying to tame my wild bed hair.
Daniel has somehow woken up and sneaked in without me noticing, and suddenly he’s behind me in the mirror, and his arms are wrapping themselves around me so I can’t get the bobby pins into my bun.
‘You sexy thing,’ he whispers, nipping at my earlobe. I try to step away but he’s holding tight. ‘Ah’ – he pulls me even closer, which I hadn’t thought possible – ‘playing hard to get.’
Every instinct is telling me to push him away. I just don’t want to be touched. But there’s a voice in my head saying that I won Daniel by being physically available to him in a way Claire wasn’t. And Daniel has been cold to me since we talked about my pregnancy. This is the first sign of warmth. You made your bed . . . says the voice, and so I turn to face Daniel, and allow my body to respond to his.
Afterwards I’m glad I gave in. Sex with Daniel is always good, but it’s especially worthwhile when I hear his plans.
‘I’m meeting Claire for coffee today,’ he says as he gets dressed, stepping around one of his boxes. I can tell from his carefully offhand tone that he’s thought about how to tell me this.
‘Oh?’ I say, aware that I shouldn’t overreact.
‘I need to tell her you’re pregnant.’
‘I haven’t even been to a doctor,’ I say.
‘Well, you really should soon.’ Daniel sounds exasperated. ‘For God’s sake, Julia, it’s not rocket science.’ He takes a deep breath, obviously calming himself in the face of my inefficiency. ‘Anyhow, it’s really important that Claire doesn’t find out from someone else, so I’m going to tell her.’
‘Why’s it so important?’ I ask, keeping my voice level. ‘Why’s Claire suddenly the most important person in this story?’
Daniel turns to look at me. ‘Because,’ he says slowly, as if I’m stupid, ‘she is Mackenzie’s mother. She is actually still my wife. You’re making us have this baby. And it’s going to break her heart.’
I don’t know what to say. I have a moment of wanting to just climb back into our bed and wake up to find none of this has happened. To wake up in a time before I met Claire, and to never, ever go to pottery.
But then I wouldn’t have Daniel, and Daniel is what I always wanted.
‘Okay, I understand,’ I say, although I don’t really. I smile. ‘And this weekend we get to tell my dad.’
‘Yes,’ says Daniel. ‘I get to meet your mum and tell your dad.’
‘And meet my dad.’
Daniel looks at me again, and this time his eyes are a bit kinder. ‘Yes, I get to meet your dad.’
I sit down on the side of the bed. ‘It’s all going to be okay, isn’t it, Daniel?’
Daniel sits down next to me. ‘Eventually,’ he says.
‘Eventually.’
Claire
Friday morning starts at a sprint, with us losing basically everything Mackenzie needs for the day – her lunchbox, her ballet stuff, her homework book. We both race around the house looking for these things and calling them, a mad habit Mackenzie has learnt from me. At one point we collide on the stairs, both yelling, ‘Stuff, stuff, where are you?’ and we collapse in a heap, laughing. I pull Mackenzie onto my lap and squeeze her.
‘No, Mummy,’ she giggles. ‘We’re late. We gotta find the stuff. Stuff !’
I hold the precious weight of my girl-child. ‘We’re never so late that we can’t stop for love,’ I say.
Mackenzie lets her body rest against mine. ‘I like you, Mummy,’ she says.
‘I like you too, baby-girl.’
After that, we’re calmer, so we find the stuff easily and leave for school.
‘Don’t forget you’re staying with Daddy this weekend,’ I tell her in the car. ‘I’ll pick you up and we’ll pack your bags and then Daddy will come fetch you.’
‘Will it be Daddy or Julia fetching me?’ asks Mackenzie,
