“Back up a little, Maya.” Angus’ thoughtful voice was low and soft. “I was under the mistaken impression that loving the ladies was a new thing for you, but now you’re telling me that your first time with a woman happened ten years ago.” He pulled at his earlobe the way he did when considering something deeply.
“Correct.”
“What happened in the ten years since?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you mean, nothing? Ten years make for a lot of days and nights to fill. How can nothing have happened? I know for a fact that the ‘burbs aren’t half as uneventful as they’re made out to be.”
“After… Quinn.” It felt so good and so bad at the same time to say Quinn’s name out loud in this context. “I didn’t know what to do with myself for a long time, so I did nothing. I worked, which has always been a great source of satisfaction for me. I saw my friends. I did all the things I usually do. I even went on a few dates.” She rolled her eyes at herself. “With men only. Life just passed. The days and then the months and years just went by, as they do. Until they didn’t, I guess. Until I saw Beth and Tommy’s pregnancy as the perfect opportunity to make this big change in my life.”
“Until you finally gave yourself permission to date women,” Angus said.
“Yes.” Maya paused to gather her thoughts. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and what I think happened is that after that night with Quinn I felt so… guilty—perhaps even a little disgusted with myself—that I couldn’t let myself be the kind of person who dates women. Not after Quinn, because…” Maya expelled some air.
“What was so awful about this Quinn?” Angus asked.
“Oh my god, Angus.” Maya buried her face in her hands.
“Hey, this is me you’re talking to. I’m unshockable. I’ve seen it all, darling.”
From the tales Angus had told her, Maya knew he had seen much more of a certain side of life than she had.
“Quinn was my next-door neighbors’ daughter.” Maya peeked through her fingers. “She was only twenty-four at the time and… it shouldn’t have happened, but it did. And the worst part is that it was absolutely divine. Like nothing I’d ever experienced before or since.”
“For crying out loud.” Angus brought his hand to his chest. “She was twenty-four!” he cried out. “So fucking what, Maya?”
“I knew her parents very well at the time. After it happened, I kept wondering how I would react if I found out Quinn’s mother had spent a night of passion with Tommy. Or even Quinn’s dad.” Her hands still half-covering her face, Maya shook her head.
“That’s a lot of useless guilt to carry around for all those years,” Angus said, a sudden sharpness to his voice. “For something that happened between two consenting adults.”
“I’ve tried to assuage my guilt by repeating to myself that she came on to me. She straight-on seduced me. But it’s no excuse. I should have known better. I should have been stronger and I should have said no.”
“Why?” Angus made a tsking sound with his lips. “If a horny twenty-four-year-old came knocking on my door, I wouldn’t dream of saying no, Maya. I would throw that door wide open.”
“Even after all these years, it still doesn’t feel right. That’s why I never told anyone, and I asked her to do the same.”
“Big mistake, darling. By not talking about it and keeping it bottled inside of you all this time you’ve given that stupid guilt of yours a powerful set of wings and let it wreak havoc inside you for years on end.”
Maya finally dropped her hands. “Maybe.” She hoped so. She had long ago surrendered to never receiving absolution for what she did that night—no matter how amazing it had been—but maybe there was hope in that department yet.
“And now you’ve seen this Quinn again and you’re all out of sorts.” He tilted his chin. “No fucking wonder.”
“The oddest thing about seeing her again was that…” Maya couldn’t help but smile. “It was fun. Yes, that’s exactly the right word for it. Quinn was a lot of fun ten years ago, making it impossible for me to resist her. And she’s still fun now. She’s just so vibrant and alive and confident. A real joy to be around.”
“Uh-huh.” Angus tapped his fingers on the tabletop. “I can tell. Your eyes are sparkling.”
Maya waved off his comment. “She’s a photographer now.” As if she’d told her only yesterday, Maya remembered how torn up Quinn had been about the breakup with her former photography teacher. “She’s all grown up.” Oops. That probably came out wrong. But Angus truly was un-shockable. “I mean that she has made a life for herself here and she’s doing well. All of that.”
Maya wasn’t so sure about Quinn’s emotional well-being, what with her recent breakup, but she sure as hell looked good—and had been totally in command of the photo shoot. Even though Maya hadn’t seen Quinn for ten years, she’d always figured Quinn Hathaway would turn out as someone who preferred giving orders rather than receiving them. What didn’t make sense to Maya was how Quinn could have given four years of her life to a woman who was married to someone else—who didn’t exclusively choose her.
“And yet, you’re going on a date with what’s-her-name—Beverly.” Angus stroked the beard he kept at a perfect quarter-inch length.
“What?” Maya shook her head. “That’s got nothing to do with Quinn.”
“The hell it hasn’t.” Angus was very skilled at rolling his eyes—he’d had a lot of practice. It was his preferred way of letting you know he was seeing right through
