I collapse to my knees on the wood floors, feeling like I can’t stand a moment longer, like every part of me is sinking inward, into the darkness. It all hits me at once, like a sledgehammer to the ribs.
Shay rushes over to me, dropping to her knees, arms around me, and I lose it.
I fucking lose it.
I gasp for breath, tears flooding through me, and I cry.
I cry because I’m losing Shay.
I cry because I almost lost my friends.
And I cry because I lost my father, that I never got to tell him that I loved him, that I was sorry for acting the way I did, that I didn’t want to hurt him. I lost my father and I never got a chance to properly grieve him, instead I was just handed his life, the life he left behind, and I knew I needed to keep it going.
And it’s not like anyone passed me the torch and forced me to become a fisherman, to keep the boat. My sisters never did. Per didn’t. My mother, well, she never cared enough, but she didn’t either. I chose to take on my father’s legacy and live his life, I chose to do that because it was the only way I could come to terms with what happened. With his death. It was the only way I could make amends and forgive myself and pray that somehow, somewhere, he was forgiving me for being the rotten son that I was.
But now, now it’s been taken from me. The boat is gone, my father’s legacy is gone. It was the only part of him that I had left, and now they’re both at the bottom of the sea and I have nothing but memories and wishes that things could have gone differently.
I want him back. I want him living his life again. I don’t want to live his life for him anymore.
I want to live my own life.
“It’s okay,” Shay whispers to me, holding me tight, and she brings me back around into the here and now, to this room, to this moment in our lives.
She brings me back to her.
I want to live my own life now, and I want her in it.
There’s no more boat. There’s no more past.
There are no more excuses, no matter how afraid I am of getting my heart broken and losing her.
I have to start anew, with her by my side.
I pull back, breathing hard, the tears rolling down my cheeks, making my beard damp. I grab her face in my hands, holding her, afraid to let go.
“I love you,” I tell her, my words shaking, the emotions swirling through me. “I love you, Shay. I don’t want to let go of you. I don’t want to lose you. I want you to stay here, with me, in Norway. I want you to be with me. I want to love you like I never really had the chance to before, with every single inch of my heart, as fucked up and imperfect as it is.”
Her mouth drops open, tears spilling from the corners of her eyes as she searches my face, looking for the truth.
I’m giving her all my truth.
“I don’t want to run anymore,” I go on. “I don’t want to be too afraid to love you and I don’t want to push you away. I know you do deserve better, but I also want a second chance at being a man who is deserving of your love. I may not always believe I deserve it, but I want to believe it. I want to change. And I want you to be with me as I do.”
“Anders,” she says through a sob, a smile breaking across her face. “I want to be with you too. I want to stay with you. I…I lo—”
“No,” I interrupt her, pressing my thumb against her lip. “Don’t say it back to me, my sparrow. It’s my word to give to you. It’s all I have right now.”
She leans forward and kisses me, tasting of salt, of love. Then she runs her hand through my hair, shaking her head. “We’ll get through this. All of this. We’ll pick up the pieces and move on. I know you lost the boat, I know that was your livelihood, that it was all you had left of your father, but I think he’d want you to start planning a new life for yourself. One that you want, not one that you shouldered because of guilt. And I want to be there for you, through all of it. I’m not leaving you Anders. I’m with you, by your side, to the end. Okay?”
Now I’m smiling.
Really smiling.
My heart feels like it’s bursting.
And, for once, I’m not burying it deep inside.
For once, I’m letting myself feel all of it.
All of my love for her.
For everything moving forward.
A second chance at life.
20
Shay Two weeks later
“Everyone’s here!” Anders booms across the kitchen. “This emergency family meeting will come to order.”
Astrid gives me a withering glance from across the table before rolling her eyes. “We’ve all been sitting here for twenty minutes, Anders,” she says to him. “And you don’t need to yell.”
“I do need to yell,” Anders says, jerking his thumb at Per. “Because people like our uncle here keep leaving the room to check on farm animals that don’t need any checking on. The chickens now, really?”
Per shrugs. Even though they’re speaking in English and he can’t understand them, he gets the gist of it, and he’s as unbothered as always.
I’ve been in Todalen for two weeks now, back to working the farm with Per and Anders. I’ve actually come to enjoy it, the fresh air, the sense of comradery, plus the bonus aspect of working with cute animals. I’ve started enjoying it so much, that I’m starting to get some crazy ideas.
Of course,
