Oh, for fuck's sake.
My parents weren't the kind of people who imposed their expectations on us as kids or adults. We were always free to pursue our own interests and goals without much backseat driving. The rough side of that coin was the rare event in which they did levy an expectation. It was so uncommon that rising to the occasion was never in question.
But I couldn't do this for her. I couldn't. More than that, I didn't want to do it.
And Jasper Cleary had to get the fuck out of my head right now.
"Mom, really, that's extremely ambitious and—"
"And if you don't," she cut in, "I will make it my job to find someone for you. As you know, I had no problem doing that for your sister and I'll be happy to do it for you."
That wasn't an option. Nope. Hard pass. It'd been amusing to watch my mother take charge of my sister's romantic affairs but there was no way in hell I wanted firsthand experience with that kind of inquisition.
"Mom, get real. That won't be necessary."
Another crisp nod. "Because you'll make an effort at meeting someone."
"No, that's not what I mean," I said. "It won't be necessary because I'm not Magnolia and I don't need you setting me up on dating services or launching surprise blind date attacks."
"You're right. You're not Magnolia." My mother grabbed two purple mums from the table, her arms now overloaded with plants. She wandered away but returned quickly with her goods in a wagon. "Magnolia had her own emotional shit but she wasn't busy pretending she was better off alone. You, my darling son, are full of very different shit."
"You're asking a lot," I said. "You're asking me to meet someone tomorrow, pretty much, have a ton of intense feelings, and bring this person to your party. That's a crazy timeline."
At this point, I couldn't get Jasper out of my head. All I could think of was the press of her lips and her hungry little hands yanking up my shirt. It wouldn't stop. I ignored it just the same.
"It seems like a lot to you because you've determined people are too risky, too much work."
That wasn't true. Not at all.
She reached for another purple mum before glancing up at me. "Prove yourself wrong for me and give me that as a gift."
"You're asking me to disappoint you," I said.
She wheeled her wagon to the cash register. I followed. "You know I'm not asking you to give anything up, right? I'm asking you to expect more. I'm asking you to care about someone and let that person care about you too. I'm asking you to try it out and see what happens. I'm asking you to invite someone into your bed when they mean something to you and not only when it's entertaining. And don't misunderstand me when I say someone. If you're happy with more than one person, then I'm happy. If you tell me you're settling down with the Seven Dwarfs, well, honey, I'll just have to find room for them at the supper table on Sundays. But I want you to try caring and being cared for. You haven't let yourself do it in too long."
"You said it yourself. I'm fine when I follow my own path."
She tipped her head to the side as a frown pulled at her lips. "That's just it. You're not following your path. You haven't in ages. Do you really think I can't see the way you hold everyone at a distance, even Ash and Magnolia? Do you believe I haven't noticed you drowning yourself in all the available fish in the sea these last few years? Or that it's been much more than a few years since—"
"Hell fucking no," I interrupted. "No. We're not talking about that. I will stand here and listen while you say these things and make these ridiculous demands but I'm not hashing that out with you."
After a pause, she said, "You should hash it out with someone."
I didn't say anything. I didn't really know what to say. Arguing was pointless. Defending my quiet, calm existence wouldn't get me anywhere. Being a moody bastard wouldn't help either. Carving through layers of scar tissue and fossilized memories would solve nothing.
Eventually, I managed, "I'm sorry I snapped at you just now. And that you feel you need to give me a kick in the ass—"
She reached into her purse. "Oh, stop it. Enough apologies."
"Fine." I ran a hand through my beard. "Then I'm not sorry."
"Now you're just being belligerent. I don't need that attitude from you on top of everything else." She beamed up at the cashier. "I have the azalea and three mums, and I'd also like the dogwood back there. The big one. Can you deliver that this week?"
"Why am I even here?" I mumbled.
"Because it pleases me to spend time with you."
"Even when you're driving me crazy by overplanting your yard and meddling in my personal life?"
She nodded. "Especially then. Remember what I said, young man. Find a date for my party or I'll find one for you."
Instead of fulfilling tree warden responsibilities in Scituate, I went straight home after leaving the garden center. It was fine. The trees would manage without me for another day or two but I would not manage if I didn't talk to Jasper today.
Also, I had to get that conversation with my mother out of my head, and obsessing over someone taking a job on another continent and abandoning their wife worked wonders. I didn't understand how such a thing could occur or why anyone would stay in a hollowed-out marriage.
Then again, I'd spent the last
