Almost twenty-two years later…
“A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where will they live?”
My mother had spat those ridiculous words at me so many times over the years they’d lost all meaning. Assuming they’d ever had any real meaning to begin with, something I’d never been totally convinced of.
“Are you listening to me, Ava?” Mom’s words snapped across the room and wrapped around me like a lasso, forcing me to pay attention.
She stood on the other side of our small, dark kitchen, giving me a sharp and punishing look. It was an expression I was used to, and one that had grown increasingly severe over the years as bitterness took over and she came to accept that this was her lot in life. This small, shabby house where she lived off whatever scraps the government could afford to throw her way. Two daughters and no money—not to mention no husband—and no hope of ever attaining the dreams she’d once had.
I vaguely remembered a time when she’d smiled and tickled me, when I’d been surrounded by laughter, but it was so long ago now that the memories were like an echo on the verge of fading away. Faint and fleeting, and almost unreal. As if I’d imagined it all.
She was a hard woman now, and not just on the inside. Her frown lines, deeper than I’d ever seen them, seemed permanently etched on her face, making her look like she was scowling even on the rare occasions when she wasn’t. Her body, too, was hard. Thin and frail, her collarbones appeared to be on the verge of ripping through her skin, and whenever she stood the way she was now—hands resting on her hips—her elbows appeared to be straining to break free. The stance also made her arms look like bony little wings, as if she was the bird in the silly little proverb she loved to throw in my face.
“I’m not talking for my health,” she said when I didn’t respond to her ridiculous question. “This is for you. So you understand how serious the situation is.”
“I’m listening,” I mumbled, turning my gaze to the slimy bowl of breakfast grains sitting in front of me.
It had cooled and congealed into a sticky lump even more unappetizing than it had been when I first sat down, and even though my stomach had been growling before, Mom’s lecture had turned my insides into an intricate web of knots that made eating impossible. The food was now about as appealing as a bowl of glue.
Sitting across from me at the small table, Lena rolled her eyes as she bit back a laugh. It would have been nice to be able to smile about the situation, but to me it was no laughing matter. How my younger sister could muster a grin was beyond me. Even after a lifetime of being surrounded by it, I couldn’t get used to the hate. It didn’t make sense, not when there was no reason for it. At least none I could wrap my brain around.
“What your cousin did to her family.”
My mother had turned back to the counter and was now scrubbing it like she was trying to wear a hole in the surface, her narrow, bony hips wiggling from the forcefulness of the gesture. If she wasn’t careful, she might be successful. Then where would we be? It wasn’t like we had the money to fix the kitchen.
“Shameful,” she continued to mutter under her breath.
Getting into this debate again was pointless, and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. Not when I felt the injustice of the whole thing deep in my bones. Not when, for the first time, it was so personal.
“She fell in love,” I said just loud enough that my mother could hear me.
She whipped around, her stringy salt and pepper hair falling over her face. When she shoved it out of her eyes, I cringed at the violence of the gesture but did my best to keep my back straight and meet her gaze instead of shrinking away from the outrage radiating off her.
“Fell in love?” She hissed the last word like the very utterance would get her arrested, and based on the way it made her face scrunch up, I got the impression it left a bitter taste in her mouth. “Ava Marie Mendoza, did I hear you correctly? Did you just spout that insanity in my house?”
Lena sank lower in her chair as if trying to hide, and I couldn’t help feeling a little satisfied that the smile had been wiped off her face. For once.
I sat up straighter, lifting my chin so Mom would know I wasn’t ashamed of how I felt or afraid of her fury. My trembling legs contradicted me, but since the table hid them from view, I was the only one privy to that little tidbit.
“I did. Ione didn’t do anything wrong. She met a guy and fell in love. It’s the natural order of the world, Mom. What’s the big deal?”
“What’s the big deal?” There she went again, over pronouncing her words as if it would help me understand. It wouldn’t. Nothing would. “She fell in love with one of them. With a Veilorian. Do you have any idea what this has done to your aunt and uncle? They can’t even hold their heads up! Ione has ruined them!” Mom waved the dishcloth in my direction, and little beads of water pinged against the table in front of me. “And you’re to have nothing more to do with her, do you hear me? She is no longer part of this family.”
Lena sat up straight, her big, brown eyes widening, but she said nothing. She never did when it came to our mother, choosing instead to stay quiet and keep the peace. It was why she was the favorite while I was pretty sure my mother couldn’t stand me.
“I’m not going to cut her off,” I said. “She’s my cousin!”
Mom
