I close my eyes and let my head fall back against the couch. It’s too late to worry about it now. If it ends up being the case, then starting tomorrow I’ll just do what I’ve always done.
Pick up all my broken pieces and keep moving.
Chapter 10
Devan reappears a few minutes later with a warm wet washcloth in his hand. He cleans me up methodically and then gathers me into his arms and resumes his seat with me in his lap. I relax against him and let the beat of his heart soothe me; it draws me back into my body, steady thump by steady thump. I like this nearly as much as the sex, though I’ll be damned before I admit it.
“That got a little out of control,” Devan finally says.
I lift my head and look at him. “You have a virgin kink. Who knew?”
He holds my gaze. “I’m rapidly coming to realize I have a Hazel kink.”
My whole body goes hot and my mind veers into static. “What?” Surely he didn’t say what I think he just said. I cannot handle any non-roleplaying talk that hints at any kind of permanence. When it comes down to it, Devan’s only spent a few weeks with me at sixteen that I barely remember and six nights since. If he wanted to be in my life, he would have come around more, at least after my nineteenth birthday.
He didn’t.
Tonight is about letting go, not about starting something new. I can’t afford to forget that.
In an effort to get us back on track, I wiggle out of Devan’s arms and stand slowly. My body still feels a little loose, but I manage to keep my feet without stumbling. “On to twenty.”
“Hazel.”
I hold up a hand. “Look, if you want to talk about anything that isn’t fucking my brains out, do you think it can wait until morning?” His eyes go flinty, but I push on. “I’ve been fantasizing about this for a really long time, and I don’t want something as messy as reality to intrude. Please, Devan.”
After a long moment, he nods. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is.” I think. Then again, I thought I had a clear view of what I wanted when I put all this into motion. I didn’t expect Devan to lean into the dirtiness of the fantasies and then shove them into an entirely new realm of sexiness. I clear my throat. “I’m going to change.”
He watches me for a long moment. “Okay.”
I try to tell myself I’m not fleeing the room as I hurry back into the bedroom and grab my bag. Except it does feel like fleeing. Like hiding. What if he wants something more? I shut that thought down really fast. I can’t afford to hope. Better to play through this alternate history sequence and leave it at that.
I have to drag a comb through my hair to get out the tangles from Devan’s hands, and then I dress quickly. I made a few changes to the costume I wore to the party on my twentieth birthday. It’s the same sinfully short pleated plaid skirt and tied-up white top, but I left off the bra and changed out the bikini style panties for a sheer white thong. I’ve put on some weight in muscle in the last five years, so now the skirt doesn’t fully cover my ass and gives taunting peeks to my panties in the front as I move. The shirt is thin enough to see my nipples through. I finish off the look by pulling my hair up into pigtails like I had it that night.
I take a deep breath and head back into the living room. I barely make it two steps through the doorway before Devan grabs me, wrapping a big hand around my forearm and practically carrying me to the small bathroom off the dining room. He shoves me inside and follows me in, slamming the door behind him. “What. The. Fuck?”
I blink as he turns on the light. “Devan? What are you doing here?”
“You don’t get to ask questions, birthday girl.” He sounds absolutely furious. “Not after you disappeared without a single fucking word to me last year.”
Something goes a little funny in my head. Of course we’re playing it like this. Of course this alternate history is consistent. Of course I would have snuck off without saying a single fucking word to Devan if he fucked me at nineteen the way he did just a short time ago. “There was nothing to talk about.”
“Oh, I think there’s plenty to talk about.” He leans against the door and crosses his arms over his chest. “Did you put on that slutty outfit hoping I’d show up again this year?”
“Of course not.”
“You better be lying.” His gaze drags over me slowly, lingering on the top and skirt. “I don’t give a damn who you fuck the rest of the year, Hazel. But that pussy is mine on your birthday. So you had better not have been planning to give my pussy to one of those frat boys at this party.”
My heart speeds up. I lick my lips. “Why stop at one? Maybe I was going to give it to all of them.”
I don’t know what I expect, but he laughs. The sound isn’t happy, and the hint of cruelty in it makes my thighs clench. “I was going to do right by you.”
“Excuse me?”
He continues as if he didn’t hear me. “I was going to take you somewhere tonight and give it to you properly. But after that comment, I changed my mind.” He pushes off the door. “I’m going to fuck you in this dirty bathroom like the little slut you are. I’m going to make you scream so loud,
