I had to hand it to her, she was pretty observant, but I guess when you’re in the business she’s in you get good at reading peoples body language and actions. Pausing, I finally said, “Mom, it’s alarming that you were able to see that, and in a way, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable, that you can read me like that.”
Smiling she said, “I always want you to feel comfortable around me sweetie, after all, I’m your mom.”
Pausing, I then said, “Up until a couple of days ago, I had lived my entire life as a guy. I’ve dressed like a man, had girlfriends, everything, you know?”
She nodded.
“But, when I walked out of that dressing room and that guy was sitting there looking at me wearing that bikini, something happened that I never expected. I liked it mom. I don’t know if that means I’ve always secretly been gay and didn’t know it, but I really liked the attention I was receiving, as strange as that sounds. I dug it so much I walked over to him and rotated around so he could see my ass so he could flatter me some more, as you saw.”
“And how did that make you feel afterward Dana?”
“Awesome.”
Nodding she asked, “Were you attracted to him?”
Shaking my head I said, “Initially I didn’t think so and am still not totally sure, but the more he looked at me, and complimented me, the more I liked it and thought how he seemed like a nice guy.”
Pausing for a moment I said, “I don’t know if that really answered your question,” and went back to folding laundry.
“You did,” mom said.
After a few moments mom said, “Now that you are a biological female you may notice certain changes starting to occur as far as the way you look at men.”
“Is this in relation to what we were just talking about?”
“It is.”
“Mom, are you getting ready to say that because I’m now a girl I may begin to develop an interest in men? Is that what you are thinking?”
“I don’t think we can rule it out, especially based on what we just talked about, and I just think you should be prepared.”
“Mom, despite what happened ….”
Cutting me off she said, “I know honey, just hear me out on this okay?”
I nodded.
“You have lived your life as a male, and your brain is tuned to operate as such, but all I’m saying is as you get used to your new life your body may be generating chemicals that change the way you think and act when it comes to sexual partners. This is something you should not be ashamed of nor be in denial of either. And, if it happens that you are drawn to the opposite sex, men, it is perfectly natural based on your biology. I’m not telling you if that’s the way it is or that’s the way it’s going to be or I approve or I don’t, none of that, as I just want to help guide you through this, and you know that I love you regardless of what orientation you are.”
I sat there in silence as I processed what mom had said and realized that there was an ounce of truth in what she’d just said, despite the fact that I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I had enjoyed flirting with that man earlier that afternoon and had really loved the attention, more than anything, but did not understand why, and on top of that I wanted more. Then I thought back to the previous evening with Annabelle and thought about my experience with her and asked myself what I liked more, my evening with her or the attention I’d gotten from that man at the store. As I processed it I realized that on a mental and emotional level I’d gotten a dizzying high from the dressing room encounter and the associated attention. Then again, my date with Annabelle was physically satisfying, and could have been even more satisfying if we’d finished, but it did not satisfy me emotionally. Emotionally? Where the fuck was this coming from? All I did was try on a swimsuit and a guy liked it. Oy vey!
This train of thought was different than anything I’d ever experienced. Being a man all my life I didn’t need emotional satisfaction, all I required with a girl was to get my rocks off, which is pretty standard when you’re a guy. This was definitely not business as usual for me and it was clear I had a lot of soul searching to do.
“Thanks mom, I’ll give it some thought.”
“You bet sweetie.”
After another minute of folding laundry, I asked, “So, if I decide to marry a man and have kids you’ll be okay with it?”
“Absolutely, I would love being a grandma.”
A few seconds later I asked, “And if I decide to be a raging lesbian, you’d be okay with that too?”
Chuckling she said, “I’ll be okay with that too honey, but try not to be too raging.”
Pausing for a bit she asked, “There’s not any pretty young girls you have in mind are there?”
“Maybe,” I said slowly and then shot her an impish grin.
“Anybody I know?”
Thinking about it for a few moments I said, “Maybe.”
“Annabelle’s cute, isn’t she?” Mom said.
Looking at mom I asked, “Was it that obvious?”
She nodded and said, “I saw how you were looking at her at the restaurant, and then when I came home it seemed that you and she were a bit nervous as I walked into the living room, as though you’d just been caught doing something.”
“Well, shit,” I said.
“Language young lady.”
“Mom, I’m not sure how much I like you calling me young lady.”
“Would you rather I call you young man instead?” she asked.
Pondering her statement, I replied, “You know, considering the circumstances, I don’t think I’m a guy or a girl, I think I’m going
