I left my door key, gathered my bags, and walked out while Blaine cried and screamed on the floor.
That had been close to a year ago and I’d never looked back.
But I also hadn’t allowed myself to think through it and heal from it.
In the grand scheme of things, Blaine and I breaking up was for the best. I knew that.
But I’d lost myself to that relationship and left it having very little idea of who I really was. Moving to Remington Place with Bev, Gabby, and the whole crew had been a really good move on my part, but I hadn’t moved past the shit with Blaine.
I never wanted to give myself to a relationship, open myself up to sharing and trusting, only to find out that once again I wasn’t good enough to keep the guy and end up screwed over.
Was there really much sharing and trusting with Blaine? You know damn well that you were dealing with depression after your knee and settling for Blaine was easier than trying to pull yourself up from the pit.
I knew the thoughts were accurate, and I thanked whatever good luck charm or deity or bit of fate that had pushed me enough to wake up and decide to leave Blaine—even before that shit show of gambling and cheating and prostitution.
But it was still scary as fuck to think that I’d lost myself before, and I’d be damned if I’d do it again.
And you think clearing the air with Dre is going to send you back into a depressive spiral and make you forget your true self?
Honestly? No. I was doing well with the antidepressant I was taking and I was a lot more stable. I was more aware of myself and how easily I could get lost in a relationship; I didn’t think I’d actually lose myself again.
The biggest issue was the fact it was a lot easier to hate Dre, avoid him, stay pissed off at him. Talking things out, revisiting our past, calling a truce, all of that would take a lot of emotional energy. Why couldn’t we just stay with the status quo?
I arrived at the station and tossed my bag in the bunk room I shared with Dre. As I went to grab a cup of coffee, Dre walked through the station door and rolled his eyes when he saw me at the coffee pot.
“One of these days, you’re going to drink my coffee and realize it’s a shit-ton better than what you can get here.” Dre smiled as he walked past to drop his bag in our room.
My eyes traveled to his perfect ass in his dark blue uniform pants. No matter what he’d done to piss me off way back then, no matter how much he annoyed me, there was no denying he was hot as fuck.
Which irritated me even more. I didn’t even want to be around the guy, so why was I constantly fighting the urge to drool over his ass, his gorgeous dark eyes, the perfect smile? I’d seen the guy changing at the station, seen him in those damn cruel gray sweatpants, and I knew he was packing behind his tight boxer briefs. I thought I’d shown amazing restraint for not jacking off to the image of Dre, but I seriously wondered if I was going to lose my mind trying to ignore how hot he was, his friendly gestures, and the damned incessant talking.
“Harris and King, my office,” Julia announced and I internally groaned. The last time the damn boss wanted to see us in her office I ended up with Dre as my partner and I didn’t think I could handle another punch to the gut.
Not that Dre was a bad partner. He was one of the most efficient, knowledgeable, skilled EMTs I’d ever worked with. I just didn’t like all the moments with him where we weren’t dealing with medical emergencies. If we could spend our shifts on back-to-back-to-back runs, I’d be fine.
Dre shot a glance my way. “What’s this about?” he whispered.
“How the hell should I know? I walked in three minutes before you,” I bit out as we made our way to Julia’s office.
“Come in,” the deputy chief announced when we arrived at her door. “Sit. I promise not to take up too much of your time.”
Dre and I took seats in front of her desk. When he crossed one ankle over his knee, I noticed he hadn’t put on his boots yet and a brightly colored geometric pattern showed between his pants and shoes. Inwardly, I rolled my eyes. Leave it to Dre to get flashy even in uniform.
It’s kinda cute.
Nope. Not going there.
Julia cleared her throat. “We’re starting a new program and I’m enlisting your help to make sure the whole crew gets on board and does it right.”
I bit back a groan. Why was it that if you were good at your job you were automatically given more to do? I didn’t shirk off responsibility, not at all. But knowing I was being told to do something simply because I was one of the top crew members was annoying. Why not ask one of the middle-of-the-road members to step it up and take the reins?
“What’s the new program?” Dre asked. His question came across innocent enough, but I’d been around him long enough now to recognize the irritation in his voice. Well, look at that, Dre and I agreeing on something.
Oh, come off it. You and Dre agree about a lot more than you’ll admit to.
I shifted in my seat and focused on Julia.
“We’re going to increase camaraderie among the crew and up our positive visibility within the community.” Julia said the words and then leveled an expectant stare our way.
“All due respect, we’re EMS. We help people every day. Aren’t we already pretty positively visible within the community?” I really did deserve an award for not rolling my eyes.
“We are, but we feel it can
