My knees buckle, and I fall to the ground. My body shakes, and my breath quickens. What have I done? How could I have done all those horrid things? Why didn't they stop me? Why did they have to create me like that?
I shiver as I look at my hands, the occasional teardrop hitting my palm. Approaching voices snap me back into the moment. It must be some of the drones doing a perimeter sweep after dispensing of the attacking outsiders. I run as fast as I can toward the stadium. The clouds give me enough cover to go unnoticed, and I find an entrance. I walk through and find myself looking out into the field in the middle of the stadium.
The clouds don't fall as low here, and I can see drones and scientists preparing about eight Flyz throughout the field. Farouk must be planning to take a couple of those, but the rest must be to attack the city. The crowd attending to the Flyz don't pay me any attention. I walk along the outside of the field until I get to the entrance that leads to my room.
The hallways are busier than usual as scientists check around for any damage to the bunkers, and the drones look for any outsiders that might have snuck in. Some of the drones have blood on them from the battle, so no one has looked twice at my hands. I turn the corner and see a familiar face standing outside my room.
“There you are.” Paz ambles toward me. She grabs me by my arm and leads me into my room. “Where have you been? Never mind. Sit.”
She nudges me onto the bed, and I fall back, wanting to lay my body down and sleep. My body aches. My mind aches. My heart aches. I look up at her, yearning for comfort.
Her eyes scan me up and down, analyzing every inch, pausing at my bloodied hands. “80. I need you to listen to the words I say. I need you to understand what I am saying.”
I sit up straight. “Okay.”
“There are times when you can lead with your heart, and there are times when you can lead with your brain. You have to make the decision as to which one you choose to lead with, in each situation. Even when they contradict each other.” She sits next to me, giving me the comfort I was craving. “Sometimes, leading with the heart can be exhausting and painful, and it will force you to lead with your brain as you should have in the first place. When you trust your brain first, it allows you to follow your heart later. Do you understand?”
“I think so.” If I weren't so exhausted, I know I would get it much easier.
Paz grabs my reddened hands, not caring about the origins of the blood. With the battle that went on, I am sure she's made assumptions about the blood's origins. She can tell that I don't want to talk about it, so she doesn't ask. Over the last few weeks, she's guided me through everything that I have dealt with and has shown me patience and sympathy. I have grown to care for her like KJ has said she cares for her mother. “I worry for you, 80. This exponential growth of emotions has taken over your decision-making. It would not be a problem under other circumstances, but we need you to lead with clarity and precision. You can't do that when matters of the heart occupy your mind.”
She stands, and I stand with her. I know that she is talking about my relationship with KJ and how I've let it interfere with what we were trying to accomplish with the drones. “I understand what you mean. I'll make sure that I'm using my brain more. I need to rest.”
“I can tell.” She chuckles. “Lucie is planning on retaliating soon, so you need to be prepared.”
“What about you? What will you be doing?” I know Farouk plans on piloting one of the Flyz, but he didn't mention Paz in his plans.
“Focus on what you need to do.” She puts her hand on my arm.
I look her in the eyes and can tell that she isn't sure about her plans either. I reach for her and wrap my arms around her. She hugs me back. I can feel a couple of teardrops hit my shoulder and the base of my neck. She also sees our relationship to be very familial. I can't imagine not having her around.
She peels away and walks through my door as she wipes her face. I stick my head out to see her disappear down the hallway. I duck back into my room and head straight to the shower. I need to clean myself of everything, including the guilt, sadness, and pain on my hands.
The hot water punishes me until I can't handle it anymore and have to climb out. I put on fresh clothes that embrace me in a way that calms my body. With the last ounce of energy I have left, I climb into bed and close my eyes.
Paz is right; I need to keep myself focused on the primary goal. Tomorrow I will get KJ and her sisters and bring them to Badwater so they can be there when Farouk secures the Flyz to leave. I will also tell her about her mother if she hasn't already found out.
My mind betrays my logic, and I see KJ finding her mother's lifeless body. I see the anguish she goes through. A hole opens in my stomach, and a pain punctures my chest. Tears frame my face as I drift to sleep.
CHAPTER XII
The sound of my door being kicked open shocks me awake. I jump up on my bed, and my eyes blink in an attempt to make sense of my surroundings.
“Let's go!” the large silhouette at the door screams.
“What?” I climb down
