Julia is standing near the gate with her triplets running rings around her, but she’s without her usual posse. That’s strange. I nod as I reach her, say a quick hello, then walk through the gate.
‘Beth, sweetie!’ she calls after me.
I turn, slowly.
‘I thought you might be feeling a bit, well … lonely. I wanted to ask if you’d be up for me popping over later?’ she says, her head cocked. ‘I’ll bring wine?’ She lifts her shoulders and smiles. I hesitate, about to decline her offer, but she sees that coming. ‘Go on, Beth. I’m desperate for some adult company of an evening – I’m bored stiff of Matt.’ She rolls her eyes and gives a forced giggle. I wonder if she really means that; I suspect it’s an excuse she’s plucked out of nowhere in the hope I’ll give in.
It can’t hurt.
‘That would be really lovely, thank you,’ I say.
Julia stands taller, her expression brightening. ‘Oh, brilliant!’ she says, beaming. ‘I hate thinking of you rattling about in that cottage alone while all this … stuff … is happening to you.’ She grabs hold of her brood and herds them across the road, calling ‘I’ll be at yours for seven!’ as she goes.
I immediately begin to doubt Julia’s intentions and I go to shout after her to withdraw my acceptance, but she’s already disappeared around the corner. I could text her later saying I’ve got a migraine or something to get out of it. With the pulsating pain I’m experiencing in my head right now, that might not be a lie anyway. I rub at my temples and go inside.
Poppy is sitting on a chair, legs swinging, backpack on her lap. She looks tiny. A lump forms in my throat. I want to wrap my arms around her; protect her and keep her from whatever backlash Tom’s arrest will cause. ‘Hey, my little Poppy poppet,’ I say, reaching out to her, pulling her from the chair into a tight cuddle. I feel her hands grip my arms. I can’t stop the tears.
‘Don’t cry, Mummy,’ she says. All the tension from the past week that I’ve been holding onto, keeping in check, threatens to leak out of me now, in this instant. I jam my teeth together, breathe in deeply through my nose and compose myself. I can’t fall apart. I need to be strong for Poppy.
‘I’m just so happy to see you,’ I say. Her pale-blonde eyebrows lower, as though even she knows that’s not why I’m crying.
‘Okay, shall we take a moment to chat in the office, Beth?’ Zoey says. ‘Poppy, if you stay with Wanda for a little bit longer, I want to talk to your mummy.’
A flash of concern crosses Poppy’s face, but it’s quickly replaced with a smile as Wanda takes her hand and leads her to Pets Corner. They have a new giant African land snail which she finds fascinating.
Inside the office, Zoey tells me not to worry. But when I explain that Tom has now been charged, her relaxed expression tightens. I’m surprised this development is news to her; I’d have thought the gossip would’ve reached everyone by now. She shifts awkwardly in her seat, then clears her throat.
‘Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that. This must be a very stressful time for you. Look, I’m not here to judge.’ The very fact she’s said this makes my tummy flip. She thinks Tom’s guilty. Does she think that somehow I am, too? ‘Our responsibility is to Poppy, to help ensure she’s not adversely affected by anything while she’s in our care. Internal, and to some extent external factors, too. But I obviously have no control over what happens outside of this establishment, Beth.’
‘No, no. I realise that. I was only going to ask that you keep a closer eye on her here; make sure no other children or staff treat her any differently.’
‘The children are too young to understand. They are very unlikely to behave differently.’
‘They might pick up things from their parents. I’m betting they’ll have lots to say about my current situation.’ I wring my hands together in my lap, the thought of it making me anxious.
‘We will of course keep a closer watch on Poppy. We’ll listen out for anything like that and nip it in the bud. We want nursery to be a safe haven for her, a place she can continue to develop and grow.’ Zoey reaches across and puts her hands over mine, giving them a gentle squeeze. ‘She’ll be all right, Beth. Kids are amazingly resilient.’
The memory of my dad leaving me flashes through my mind’s eye.
Are they?
Because that’s not my experience.
Chapter 38
She’s lying silent, motionless on her back, her bound wrists secured to the headboard, her legs spread, each ankle attached to a bed post. His breathing is becoming louder, quicker. The blindfold prevents her seeing him but she hears his movements; knows where in the room he is. Knows what he’s about to do.
She used to get an adrenaline rush of anticipation. Now, she just wants it over. Wants to reach the other side without fear clouding her mind for the entire time it takes him to act out his fantasies. She hopes she made herself clear last time and that he won’t strangle her to the point of passing out again.
‘I need to teach you a lesson,’ he says. Her hopes diminish as she feels hot palms on her chest,
