Today.
I was running late this morning, so I had to send Annie on ahead and then bum a ride with my dad. By the time I raced through the front doors at school, the first bell had already rung, and I still had to get to the second floor to get my books from my locker.
Which is why I got stuck in a stairwell during the national anthem.
Which is why I saw it.
I was just inside the upper stairwell doors, peering out into the hall beyond, when I caught sight of Annie. I was smiling to myself, thinking we’d both be late together, when I saw an arm loop around her waist and someone lean in to kiss her on the neck. I swear my brain froze. I felt like I was in the middle of some awful nightmare. My brain was wailing No, no, no, but there it was. Scott—my Scott—was sneaking kisses with Annie each time the hallway monitor looked the other way.
My nose was practically pressed to the glass, so there was no mistaking what happened next. As the announcements ended, Scott gave her what looked to be the softest, tenderest kiss and then pulled back to look into her eyes. Since her back was to me, I had a front-row seat to the expression on his face. There was no explaining away the way he looked at her. I just stood there in the stairwell for the longest time. I didn’t feel like going to class. I didn’t feel like doing anything.
I’d love to say that I’m the sort of friend who can put her feelings aside and be happy for Annie. But it turns out I’m not. I wish I could turn back time and be honest with her. If I’d told her about my feelings for Scott, would she have stayed away from him? If I’d gone to the party, would he have kissed me instead?
I didn’t realize it until today, but sometime during the last month, my days started to revolve around thoughts of Scott. When my mind wanders, it wanders to him. When I fall asleep at night, I think about his smile, and when I wake up in the morning, I count the hours till I get to see him. I choose my clothes more carefully, do my hair, and even put on makeup thinking of him.
And now what?
What do I do with my feelings for him now that the hope is gone? What do I look forward to? And how am I supposed to watch Annie live out everything I ever hoped for?
Annie
Jessie’s talking, but I’m not really listening. I keep craning my neck to catch a glimpse of Scott. He has math first period, down the next hallway, and if Jess would hurry up at her locker, we could swing past there and run into him accidentally on purpose.
I’ve been a hormonal mess all week, and I keep worrying that Scott is going to come to his senses and realize that he could do so much better than a head case like me. One minute I’ll be smiling uncontrollably, thinking about Scott, and the next I’ll be sobbing, thinking about the anniversary of my mom’s death coming up.
“Let’s go,” I say, turning to Jessie. She’s fixing her hair in front of a little magnetic mirror stuck to her locker door. Wait . . . what?
“Since when do you have a mirror in your locker?”
She jumps like I’ve caught her doing something wrong, and slams the door shut. “My mom gave it to me. It’s no big deal.”
That’s when I see the highlights in her hair. Seriously. Jessie. With highlights. This is the girl who started the year without even brushing her hair some mornings. And the closer I look at her, the more I see. She’s wearing all new clothes from head to foot.
“Are those new jeans?”
“This is what happens when my mom notices I’m feeling down,” she says, striking a pose. “I was having a rough couple of days, so she took me shopping and gave me a little makeover to cheer me up.” She looks down at herself. “Do I look okay?”
A mixture of sadness and jealousy churns in my stomach. “So that’s why you couldn’t do anything yesterday? Why you didn’t answer your phone when I called?” There’s a tiny little part of my brain telling me to shut the hell up, but Jessie doesn’t even notice how hysterical I’m getting.
“Yeah. I didn’t mention it before, because I had no idea it was going to happen. Out of the blue, Mom just told me to get in the car for a surprise.” Jessie starts walking, not even noticing that I’m not following. I watch her go, trying to push away the rush of feelings turning my insides to fire. Then I turn and walk away.
I blink back tears as I push open the front doors of the school, half expecting a teacher to jump out and force me back to class. But no one notices me leave, which makes me feel even worse. I shiver and bundle my hands inside the arms of my thin sweater, thinking of my nice warm jacket back in my locker. I can’t go back, though. I don’t want to go back.
By the time I get to my front porch, I’m sobbing hysterically and shivering violently. I just want to get inside and curl up on my bed and forget this day ever existed. I reach for my pocket to get my key, and my stomach clenches so hard I think I might throw up. My fucking key is in my jacket pocket. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I throw my bag against the side of the house and slump down on the icy steps.
I’m going to have to go back to school. What else can I do? I’ll freeze here on these steps, and no one will be home for hours. I bury
