Charlie laughed and fist bumped Kevin while I shot him a murderous look. I was about to make a sarcastic comment about how he was just jealous when I caught sight of a familiar-looking figure dressed all in black.
Annie.
After more than two weeks away, there she was, looking like a completely different person.
Charlie noticed the look on my face and followed my gaze to where Annie was slinking down the hallway, her head bowed and her hair hanging limply over her face.
It was as if years had passed instead of weeks. She was back to her all-black uniform from the beginning of the year—but with a twist. The beginning-of-school Annie had glowed in a rebellious and slightly dangerous way. This Annie was like a shadow. She was pale and vacant, with no fire in her.
“Isn’t that your friend?” Charlie asked quietly.
I nodded, my stomach twisting. How could I let myself be so happy while Annie was suffering?
I waited till Kevin made his way to class, then told Charlie, “I’ve been emailing her every day for the last week. I told her not to worry about Courtney and Scott and everyone else—that I’d be here for her no matter what. But she never emailed me back. She’s so mad at me, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“I don’t think it’s you at all,” he said gently. “I’m sure she’s upset about the rumors. Give her some time, and just be there for her.”
I nodded, looking back down the hallway where Annie had disappeared. “I hope you’re right.”
By lunchtime I felt like the world had flipped on its axis and dropped Annie and me in the wrong spots. There I was, surrounded by friends, while Annie sat alone in a far corner of the cafeteria, her nose buried in a book.
No matter how hard I tried to focus on the conversation around me, I couldn’t seem to shake the pull coming from Annie. I knew what it felt like to be that girl sitting alone. I knew what it felt like to be the one without a friend in the world . . .
I picked at my lunch and debated what to do. I was sure Annie must have read my emails, and I was petrified that she somehow knew I’d messaged Scott. I looked at Charlie and Jody, and I felt like throwing up, remembering what I’d done. What would they think of me if they found out?
“You okay?” Jody asked, swatting at Kevin’s hand as he stole a fry off my plate.
I shrugged and tried to smile. “Sort of.”
She looked over at Annie and then back at me. “Go get her.”
That’s what I like about Jody. I don’t have to say a word for her to know exactly what I’m thinking.
I got up shakily and made my way to where Annie was sitting. As I passed by Courtney’s table, I felt her eyes on me and remembered how, in seventh grade, she’d threatened that anyone who spoke to me would become an immediate social outcast.
I hurried over to Annie’s table and stood awkwardly, waiting for her to notice me. I cleared my throat, but she didn’t look up. “Um . . . Annie?” I gave a little wave that finally caught her attention. She sighed and pulled out her earphones. I could hear the music thrumming through them from across the table.
“What?” The hostility in her voice made me jump. I shifted from one foot to the other and looked back at Charlie for courage.
“I . . . um . . . I just wanted to say hi. And see if you want to sit with us?” My voice went up annoyingly at the end of my sentence, making me sound like a scared little kid.
Annie stared me down for a moment before looking scornfully over at my friends. “No.”
“Wh-what?”
She narrowed her black-rimmed eyes and put her earphones back in, tuning me out. Then she picked up her book and pretended I wasn’t even there.
Hot tears threatened to spill out of my eyes, and I turned and headed out of the cafeteria before Annie could see.
As I passed by their table, I heard Courtney sing out, “Poor Jess. Even the socially diseased won’t talk to her.”
Annie
I am disgusting.
I always kind of suspected I was fucked up in the head. I mean, I’d be coming by it honestly, with my mom dying and Madeleine the super bitch invading my life. But this is really and truly messed up. I know that.
I’m sitting in the cafeteria hiding behind a book and pretending not to watch Scott hang all over Courtney. They walked in here holding hands and she’s now sitting on his lap, feeding him fries off her plate. And it shouldn’t matter to me at all.
I shouldn’t feel like this. Like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Not after everything that’s happened.
I stare in sick fascination as he loops an arm around her waist the way he used to do with me. She’s smiling at him so hard my cheeks hurt just watching it. I can see every feeling I’ve ever had for him written all over her face, and it hurts so much I can barely breathe.
And suddenly two things are crystal clear to me.
One: Everyone’s lives have gone on. While I was locked up indoors, hiding under my covers and wishing I was dead, everyone else’s life rolled merrily along. My old friends weren’t worried about me. They weren’t even thinking about me. Even Jess is sitting with a whole new crowd, smiling and laughing. No one has even noticed that I’ve become no one.
And two: I am well-and-truly messed up.
When I look at Scott and Courtney, I should feel angry. I should hate them both for what they’ve done to me. I shouldn’t feel what I do feel—which is
