This is no way to live. A glance at a digital clock told Justin it was nearly 0200 hours. He decided to head down to the officers’ mess and get some tea. It seemed to help on some nights, and after a week without rest, something had to give.
Even though a quarter of the crew was on duty—the twenty-four-hours-a-day minimum staffing level—Justin encountered virtually no one else on his way to the nearest mess hall. He poked his head through the hatch, expecting to find at least a few people, but no one was there. Not even the steward was around.
After retrieving a mug and hot water, Justin took a seat by one of the windows and stared out into the blackness of space as the tea steeped. It went on and on, seemingly into infinity. Briefly pondering the universe’s metaphysical aspects, he wondered if the essence, or what some would call the soul, of people who died in the void stayed there. Does it matter? My friends are still dead. Bitterness threatened to consume every nook and cranny of Justin’s mind. All the sacrifices made, yet the League pressed on like an unstoppable monster that absorbed whatever the holovid heroes threw at it. But we still won. Let the Leaguers crow about how mighty their empire is. One little escort carrier crashed the party and shot up space installations all over Sol.
“Mind if I join you?” Feldstein asked from behind him.
Justin nearly jumped out of his skin. The tea sloshed as he whipped around, spilling on his shoes and pants. “Good grief. You about gave me a heart attack.”
She turned red. “I’m sorry. I thought you would’ve heard me with all the noise of making coffee.”
“No. I was thinking.” Justin patted the seat next to him. “Looking at the stars is good for that.”
“I know. For a few months, I served on a ship with an observation deck. It was so neat to project the stars and planets out and look at them through a telescope.” Feldstein smiled as she sat. “Couldn’t sleep either, eh?”
Justin shook his head. “I haven’t slept right since we jumped out of Sol.”
“That makes two of us.” She brushed a wisp of hair out of her face. “Honestly, I don’t think anyone is sleeping well. Part of me wishes the colonel hadn’t told us about the fall of Eire.”
“And when we got home and found out, it would’ve been even worse.” He gulped. “I know I’m supposed to be strong enough for all of us…”
Silence broke out between them, with only the soft mechanical whirring of the ventilation system audible.
“Have you talked to someone?”
“Who?”
“Friends, a doctor, the chaplain? There’s always me, you know.”
“No one wants to hear about my problems.”
“Justin, do you think you’re the only person with nightmares? I close my eyes, and I can visualize Martin’s fighter going into the side of that League ship.” A tear, followed quickly by more, fell down her face. “We’re only alive today because of his sacrifice.”
“I know that.” Justin set his jaw. “You know what bothers me more? When I close my eyes, I don’t see him. I see the ones of us still alive dying instead.”
“That’s war.”
“So we should just accept it? Embrace it?”
“I didn’t say that.”
He turned away from her and looked back into the void. “You know, I don’t bother making friends with the new pilots, especially the ones with no combat experience.” His words hung over the room, an admission that neither of them wanted to hear.
“Why?” Feldstein asked softly.
“Because they’re the least likely to survive. Those of us who’ve made it for nine months will probably make it a while longer, until our number is up too.” Anger welled up in Justin, from a source he couldn’t explain. He suddenly wanted to punch the wall with all his might. “Who cares? We’re all going to die in this war.”
Again, silence followed. Seconds passed, then a minute.
Feldstein put her hand on top of his. “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Justin stared at her hand like he was in a trance before grasping it with his. The anger melted away into anguish, and tears began to fall from his eyes. It only took seconds for him to start sobbing. Months of pain and worry that he’d bottled up inside flowed out, and he ended up embracing Feldstein tightly.
Once the tears had mostly stopped, she rested her forehead on his. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.” Staring into her eyes, Justin felt something akin to a rush of electricity go through him. He realized how close she was and allowed himself to consider what it would be like to kiss her. The moment he opened the door mentally, desire flowed through him. It swept aside all inhibitions and threatened to sweep him right along with it.
Feldstein touched his face. “It will. I promise. We’re going to get through this together and go home.”
As Justin stared into her eyes, a battle raged inside of his mind. No one would have to know. At the rate things are going, we’ll be dead in six months, anyway. But another voice fired back, No, it would be wrong. You know it’s wrong. You gave an oath to love Michelle and to treat her with honor and respect. How would you feel if she did this to you? The circumstances don’t matter. It’s wrong, and it’ll always be wrong.
Justin pulled away as he made up his mind. “I’m sorry. I can’t. I can’t do this.”
“What?”
“What we were about to do.”
Feldstein glanced out the window before locking her eyes with his again. “Would it be so bad to feel connected to
