Theo's leaned over his milkshake, chewing on his cheek, looking more than a little nervous, but Josey is leaning back in the booth and she's watching me very steadily. She has her straw dangling from her hand like it's a pen and she wants to be taking notes. She's judging me and she's not even being subtle about it.
She's in mergers and acquisitions.
Theo looks at her like he's expecting her to keep talking, but when she doesn't he shrugs a little and says, “ We don't have some gap we're trying to fill, or whatever. But when we meet someone we like, we talk to them. Usually before the kissing. We were a little drunk, we messed up.”
“Someone you both like?” I say.
“Of course,” she says.
“But I thought you guys didn't...share.”
“Just because I'm not actively in a romantic relationship with the girl doesn't mean I don't have a relationship with her,” Josey says. “The girl's part of my life. It's not like this is some decision Theo makes on his own.”
“I'm guessing this is mostly a decision you make, “ I say.
She raises one eyebrow. I can't do that.
Our food comes.
“Do people know?” I say.
“It's not a secret, really,” Theo says. “But like...the first girl, she didn't want people to know, so we kind of got into the habit of following their lead on this. Since everyone knows Josey and I have been together for a while.”
“Do your parents know?”
They nod.
“And they're fine with it?” There's no way in hell my mom would be fine with this, I realize. My poor mother. I know she probably wants me to end up with a Latino boy but I have a feeling this boy across the table from me is not even kind of what she had in mind.
“Josey's parents more than mine,” Theo says. “My parents sort of...pretend it isn't happening. They're good at pretending things aren't happening. It's how my little brother managed to finger paint his whole room.”
“My parents are poly,” Josey says. “I grew up with it so it was never a big deal for me.”
“Your parents just...have other people?”
“Yeah, they've come and gone throughout the years, but my mom's girlfriend Annie—I call her Aunt Annie—has been around for as long as I can remember. She lives down the street. They've talked about her moving in but she likes her space.”
“As does Josey,” Theo says.
She looks a little uncomfortable, all of a sudden. “It's not...so much that I like my space as much as I need it,” she says.
“She's really busy,” he says.
“Yeah, I'm serious about school and stuff, so having time is nice. It works for us. And every once in a while we meet someone we think is cool and we want to see if it works for her too. Or him, but we haven't met any of those.” She takes a long sip of her milkshake. “Boys are just...I mean, excuse the stereotype, but boys our age tend to be a lot more focused on the sex thing.”
“Right.”
“We're very safe,” Theo says quickly. “Condoms and everything.”
“Theo,” she says. “Not the time.”
I say, “So I would...be expected to sleep with you.”
“And that's why not the time,” Josey says.
Theo covers his face. “No, no, eesh. No. There's not any...”
“It's not about that,” Josey finishes, smoothly.
“Okay,” I say. “Except I kind of don't see how it couldn't be about that.”
“It's all right if you're not interested in this,” Josey says.
Theo turns to her. “Don't push her away, come on.”
“She's not interested. Look at how she's looking at me.”
“I'm not looking at you,” I say.
“Mmhmm.”
Now I'm looking at her, maybe. Don't mmhmm me. You don't know me. Judge whether you want to be in a relationship with me, fine. Judge whether or not I deserve some sort of attitude based on if I'm going to decide to—excuse the expression— jump into bed with this set-up after a five minute conversation and a couple of milkshakes?
I wouldn't want to date someone who acts like that, so why would I want to date someone who dates someone who acts like that?
But then Theo says to her, “Yeah, she's looking at you like that because you're getting all defensive. She's not attacking you. You need to calm down.”
Josey slumps back in the booth and crosses her arms.
“She doesn't like this part,” Theo says. “She doesn't like not knowing what people think about her.”
Josey flicks her fingernails and doesn't look at either of us. “I don't care if people don't like me,” she says.
“That's not even sort of what I said.” Theo turns to me and gives me a little smile. “Sorry. Everything's okay. Can I have a fry?”
See, that's why I'd want to date someone who dates someone who acts like that.
Of course he can have a fry.
But the truth is, it wouldn't matter if these two were perfect specimens of humans who I'd give every last fry to. It's not as if I've never heard of this before—I know Mormons used to do this, and everything—but I don't know anyone who does it. I don't really think of myself as the jealous type, but I can't imagine not being jealous in this situation.
I wanted something new, but this is too new.
I wanted people like them, but maybe they are too much like them.
And a huge thing that's holding me back is not something I'm proud of. And it's that I'm new in this school, and I don't want to commit social seppuku.
I'm not proud of it.
“I'm sorry,” I say. “I don't think this is for me.”
“Hey,” Theo says. “That's totally fine.”
“Can we still be friends?” I say. And I
