“Yeah, me neither, but you're supposed to.”
“I never even take notes,” Theo says.
“Okay, that might be a problem.”
“Sounds pretty awesome,” Theo says. “And a good way to do that whole new-family-bonding thing.”
“Right? I'm making all these strides. It's just so weird. I'm not close with any of my extended family. No nearby aunts or uncles or cousins or whatever. Mom's parents are dead. No dad. And all of a sudden I have all these people I'm supposed to know how to be around, and I'm just watching myself reenact angry teenager scenes from Degrassi.”
“At least you're not reenacting the teen pregnancy episodes,” he says. “There are teen pregnancy episodes, right?”
“Yeah.” I chew on the inside of my cheek. We haven't talked about this, not once. We've very strictly avoided talking about this. A few times I've walked in on him and Josey who are clearly in the middle of talking about it, but they stop when they see me and I politely pretend I didn't notice, the same way we do if I walk in on them making out.
I'm not sure what they think my problem is, probably because I'm not sure what my problem is. The abortion thing isn't easy, largely because my mother very easily could have made that choice, and most days I'm glad I exist. But I'm also really concerned that my biggest issue might be that there's undeniable proof of the two of them having sex, and that's an elephant in the room the way it's never been before. And it's so stupid, because it's not as if I didn't know that, or that they're not allowed to, or that I couldn't be having sex with him if I wanted to. And it's also not as if Josey's pregnancy is a glowing review for sex. This shouldn't make me jealous. I shouldn't want the kind of closeness with him that I'm seeing now that they have this problem that they're taking care of together.
It's just that he's being so sweet to her, and I am absolutely glad that he is. Because she deserves that. And because of course I want to be dating someone who is that sweet.
I would just rather not be dating someone who has to have an abortion.
“Cipriano?” he says.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
“Sure, yeah.”
He gives me a look. “You know it's just me and you here,” he says. “You don't have to do that.”
“I feel unbelievably horrible about myself for treating her like shit,” I say. “I want you to know that I feel horrible about that.”
“Well,” he says. “For what it's worth, I don't think you've been treating her like shit. And I don't think she does either.”
“I've been...treating her like I did when we first started out,” I say. “Like I don't know how to act in front of her. Like I'm scared of her.”
He nods a little.
“You two want to stay together forever, right?”
He sighs a little. “It sounds stupid when you say it like that.”
“No, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to.”
“No, it's okay. I mean...it's the truth. Ideally that's what we want. I just know it...you know. Sounds stupid.”
“Maybe it would if I didn't know Aanya and Jake,” I say. “I honestly see them getting married. Most high school couples break up, obviously. But there's a few who don't and that's just facts.”
“Yeah.”
“It's just now I'm thinking about the two of you having a baby someday,” I say. “And I don't know where I fit into that.”
“Well, she probably doesn't even want kids,” Theo says.
“What about you?”
“I don't know. I think I'd like to, maybe. But, you know. Not as much as I want her.”
“Still,” I say. “Just the concept of the future and everything.”
He says, “When I imagine it, I imagine you there.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“You've never said anything like that before.”
“We haven't been together all that long,” Theo says. “I didn't want to sound like a freak.”
“You sound like a freak basically all the time,” I say.
“That's a good point. And like, I know the odds are shitty, and I know it's a pipe dream, but like...yeah, when I'm trying to think about the perfect life or whatever, it's with you two.”
“You know I love you, right?”
He hits my knuckles with mine. “You know I love you.”
“Doesn't suck,” I say.
“Does not.”
“This is all just really...grown up,” I say. “Dealing with pregnancy stuff.”
“You don't have to be involved,” he says. “We're doing okay. We can take care of this.”
God. I've been making them do this alone. It really hits me now.
I'm just not used to having a lot of people.
“Of course I do,” I say. “She's my future.”
It doesn't become not-awkward overnight. But I make an effort to snag time with Josey whenever she has it, whether with Theo or alone. We get comfortable again so we're less not-talking about the pregnancy than we are busy talking about things that aren't the pregnancy. Josey schedules the abortion for March 2nd, during spring break, so she'll be able to take time to lie around and recover if she needs it and so she won't miss any school. Theo breaks the news to his parents that, because of college applications, he doesn't think they should do their annual beach trip this spring, and luckily for me no one in my family is the sort of crazed maniac who would consider vacationing two months before the wedding, so I don't need to do any worming around to make sure I'll be in town if she needs me.
It's just so weird that Josey's walking around in her current life just being pregnant. I always thought that if someone was going to get an abortion, they'd get it as soon as possible. It's
