They did the right thing and I almost shattered it all because I’m a selfish, worthless, fuck. I don’t tell Wolfe any of that shit though. Instead, I shift my gaze from them and look over to the bar expecting to see Barracuda in his usual spot posted up to the bar, glass of beer in front of him.
“Where’s Cuda?” I ask.
“Nobody told you?”
The way he says it, my entire body jerks. He sounds shocked, startled even. Turning to him, I narrow my gaze on his for a moment before I answer. The look in his eyes, they’re wide and he’s shifting around nervously.
“Wolfe,” I say, my tone warning.
He clears his throat. “Punchers got him when they came in guns blazing. Thought you knew.”
My entire body goes cold, then sweat instantly breaks out all the way down my back. I shake my head, pinching my eyes closed.
“No,” I breathe.
“I thought you knew, brother.”
Brother.
The first time someone has said that to me since I got back here almost two weeks ago, but I can’t even let it wash over me, I can’t even feel it. Because Cuda is gone.
“There was a funeral?” I ask.
He nods his head, but doesn’t say anything. Then he lifts his hand and wraps his fingers around my shoulder, giving me a gentle shake. The conversation is over, I know it when he abruptly leaves. I’m good with that, too.
I don’t know what to do. This isn’t my home, yet. It may never be. I want to grab a bottle of booze and hide away in my room, drink until I pass out, but I can’t do that. I’m prospect status, no drinking unless approved, and whatever I take, after it’s been approved, I have to replace. I have no money to replace, so I won’t be taking.
Unmoving, I stay exactly where Wolfe left me. I watch the party around me, people drink, get drunk, then fuck, but I don’t see anything. I don’t even keep an eye on Pamela, which was my main reason for wanting to be here tonight.
She’s eighteen now, she’s fair game. I wanted to make sure nobody thought they could slide in there with her. But now, hearing about Cuda, the man who was more of a father to me than my own biological one.
The man who saved my life, who gave me a family. The man who lost his own family, then lost his way. The man who didn’t see me own and atone for my own shit, he’s gone. Is it my fault that he’s gone? I was there with the enemy.
Sure, I told myself, told Dragon, I was there to gather intel. But it was more selfish than that, it was to save Pamela. I tried to convince myself and Dragon that I wanted to help, to save other women from that fate, from having a train pulled on them the day they turned eighteen, from being given to a member of the club to use as they saw fit.
I said all these things, inwardly and outwardly, but the reality is that I just wanted to save Pamela. I didn’t give much of a fuck about the others, not really. My cock wants only her, my heart wanted to save her as part of my redemption.
The party continues and I stare at nothingness, seeing absolutely nothing. I have done nothing but fuck up since the moment I was born. I couldn’t even be here to protect the only person I truly have ever given a shit about, and in turn, he’s the only person who has ever given a fuck whether I live or die too.
“You look like you’re about to be sick,” Hawk announces from next to me
Turning my head, I look over at him. Avah is curled against his side, but her head is turned as she talks to Trista.
“Wolfe told me about Cuda, nobody told me,” I inform him.
He watches me for a long moment, his gaze unwavering until he clears his throat. “Could you have stopped it?” he asks.
“I could have tried to protect him,” I point out.
He shakes his head once. “He’s where he’s wanted to be for over twenty years, Jag. He’s with Shoshanna.”
“He’s the only person who ever gave a fuck about me,” I rasp.
Hawk lifts his hand, clapping my shoulder much like Wolfe did not too long ago. He gives me a shake the same way too, but he doesn’t let his hand fall.
“Ain’t true. We all give a fuck about you. Sure, you’ve done wrong. You pissed a lot of us off, but if we gave no fucks, Dragon would have killed you without a vote. Then, had we not given a fuck about you, had it gotten to that vote, it would have gone down a hell of a lot different than it did. Even in our anger, Jag, we all give a fuck.”
I don’t feel like a thirty-eight-year-old in this moment, instead, I feel about fifteen. Here Hawk is telling me that the Beasts fucking care about me. I feel stupid. This whole thing is dumb and yet, I needed to hear it.
I needed to hear it all.
Looking around the room, I try to find Pamela for the first time in hours. She isn’t hard to spot. She’s like a beacon of brightness. She’s talking to a few of the Old Ladies, but I don’t even see them, all I can focus on is her.
She must sense me watching her. Slowly, her gaze shifts over to me and her cheeks tint pink at the same time her eyelids drop, then they lift again and those eyes of hers catch mine. She licks her lips and my cock presses against the zipper of my jeans.
Fuck. Me.
Chapter Eleven
PAMELA
Eighteen years old.
I thought that today would be a nightmare, then coming to this club, something happened that I never expected. Joy. Elation. Complete and total happiness. I didn’t think it was possible, that
