He paused again because this was the hardest part. This was the thing that ruined his childhood. Stuck with him forever. He watched the towering buildings as they left the shelter of Chicago. Among all these people it was easier to forget, but never completely.
“We did,” he whispered. “We lost her, and he lost his humanity. He stopped being a father, resorted to a full disciplinarian role. He was barely home and when he was, he was a tyrant. Nothing was ever right for him. I got a B once in History and he took away everything. I protested and he… he punched me. Right in front of Rebecca and Kaden. We’d never been so much as spanked as children. Our mother wouldn’t stand for that kind of treatment. That day we knew though, things had changed forever.
“When he was home, our house was silent. We worked diligently, trying to impress him. I don’t think I ever did. He was proud of Kaden when he went on to study engineering. My father stopped talking to him for years though when he found out Kaden cheated on his fiancée. Rebecca was his favorite. She reminded him of Mom, I think. Plus, she followed in his footsteps, so she got off a little easier than us. It still wasn’t easy for her either. He didn’t show much love.
“As for me…” he scoffed. “You should’ve seen how he reacted when I said I wanted to go to school for culinary management. It wouldn’t bring in the kind of money and prestige he wanted for us. He threatened to cut me off and I accepted that. He did end up paying for college once he realized I wasn’t backing down. Things have been tense with us ever since. I just don’t like to deal with it. I don’t like him as a person. I know that’s harsh, but death hasn’t changed that.”
Clara was quiet as some of Ezra’s anger diffused. “He didn’t like me much, did he?” she asked.
They had only seen his father on occasion. He didn’t delve into why and Clara let it be. She had her suspicions and she never wanted to put Ezra on the spot like that. Now it seemed important for him to get everything off his chest.
“No,” he admitted. “He wanted me to date someone from a good family, who wanted to be a housewife and mother, with stereotypical female interests. You stand out, that’s why I love you. He thought you were nice enough when he met you, but not someone he wanted me to marry.
“I guess that was the final straw when he told me I shouldn’t marry you. I so desperately wanted his validation, his approval for so long. You are far more important to me. You gave me the strength to carve out my own life, and once I felt that freedom, I never wanted to go back.”
“I appreciate you choosing me,” she said. “That must be tough having such a difficult dynamic with him. I’m not going to tell you how you should feel because I don’t know how you should feel. But you don’t have to distance yourself because of me.”
“It’s more than that.”
“I know.”
Clara took Ezra’s hand as they walked to the gravestone. Now free of the anger his father left him, Ezra was able to grapple with the sadness that remained. They stood at the front of the crowd next to Rebecca, Brad, Kaden, and Maria. Robert’s past patients and colleagues circled them. Some people from their extended family showed up. Others didn’t. Robert’s relationship with his children wasn’t the only relationship that suffered when his wife died.
Ezra let go of Clara just long enough to hug his siblings and their spouses. He did go to Kaden’s house after work the night his father died. He tried to be there for them, but he wasn’t fully present. Not until now.
“I miss them,” Rebecca whimpered as Ezra held her.
He thought back to when they were a family, a real family. Remembered the father who took them to the lake on the weekends and showed them how to grill, boat, and brought them on hiking trails. He looked back on the countries they visited because of the hard work Robert did. He smiled as he recalled how happy his parents were back then.
“I miss them too,” he said.
He still didn’t have all the pieces together, but he thought maybe he could miss the father that once was, while also hating him a little too. He could be sad and angry. He held Clara’s hand. He could get through anything with her.
Yet as the roses fell onto the cherry wood coffin, their troubles had only just begun.
4
“I don’t even know why we have to go to this,” Ezra said as he drove to the lawyer’s office. Once again, he was dressed up, though not as formally as he was for the funeral. His black button-down shirt made him look serious. Like he was still in mourning. It was partly true. He was mourning this day off that he felt like he was wasting.
“Because you’re his son,” she reminded him. “And Rebecca and Kaden asked you to be there. You are still part of the family.”
“It’s not like he left me anything though. Or at least, even if he did, it’s not going to be much. It’s a waste of time and I just feel like it’s going to make everything awkward. Rebecca is going to feel bad getting much more than Kaden and I will, which is going to put her on the spot. I’ll get least of all, which I don’t care
