“There are so many things I want to say to you.”
Flynn smiled. “Go ahead,” she repeated my words.
“Maybe later.”
“Paxon? Can you just hold me?”
I led her into the bedroom. “Is this okay with you?”
“It is.”
Flynn put her hand in mine, and I led her over to the bed. We both lay on it, facing each other in the same way we had last night on the floor in front of the fireplace. I looked into her eyes, wishing I was better at putting the right words together to tell her how I felt.
“I want you to know how much these last few days, these last hours in particular, have meant to me.”
She pulled away and her brow furrowed, but I tightened my grip so she was close enough that I could kiss her.
“Paxon—”
“Shh.” I put my fingertips on her lips. “I’m not saying goodbye or telling you we can only be friends. I just really suck at this.”
She smiled. “Just say how you feel.”
Could I? If I did, would I sound insane?
“Just do it,” she whispered, brushing my lips with hers.
I rolled over and looked up at the ceiling. There were a hundred things I wanted to say, all at once, and yet I couldn’t get a single one out.
“I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, and when I return, I don’t know where I’ll be going next.” Did that even make sense?
“Where do you want to go?”
“I’d love to come back here—”
Flynn kissed me. Not just a lip brush, an actual kiss. When her tongue pushed into my mouth, I pushed too. I gathered her into my arms and rolled so her body rested on mine.
“Did I say the wrong thing?” I asked when she pulled away and rested her head on my chest.
“No. The exact right thing, actually.”
I laughed. “Which was?”
“That you’d love to come back here. And before you say ‘but,’ that’s why I kissed you. To stop you from saying it.”
“Flynn—”
This time, she put her fingers on my lips. “Look, I know how your life works. I’ve seen it firsthand with my brother. I know I may not ever see you again, but for tonight, I want to pretend that I will.”
“It isn’t that I don’t want to.”
“I know, Paxon.”
“What I’m about to say will sound like the most selfish thing you’ve ever heard, but I went a very long time without comfort in my life. Today, when all I needed was that, you gave it to me. It was the most precious gift, and I’ll never forget that.”
“I’m going to ask something of you.”
“Go ahead.”
“Comfort me now, Paxon.”
I drew her into my arms and ran my hands up and down her back. She raised her face and kissed me.
“I want more,” she whispered.
I didn’t need to ask what she meant. It was obvious by the way she moved against me. Her body responded instinctively, but that didn’t mean either one of us was ready for more.
“Paxon?”
I put my hands on either side of her face and looked into her eyes. “As much as I want to feel your bare skin against mine, I don’t want to rush this. You mean something to me, Flynn. When the time is right, for both of us, there will be more.”
Her cheeks were bright red, and she tried to look away.
“Flynn, please. I want to do the right thing.”
She wrapped her fingers around my wrist and brought my right hand to rest on her breast.
I shuddered, feeling the pebbled nipple against my palm. My cock throbbed with want, but my mind had to prevail.
“Just this,” she whispered, unfastening the buttons on her blouse. “When you leave, I want to remember your touch. Give me that, Paxon.”
I shifted my body and sat up. When Flynn did the same, I reached around and unfastened her bra. She let it and her blouse slide off her body.
“Just this,” I said, taking my time learning the curves of the upper half of her body. I didn’t stop with her breasts; I kissed her mouth, the side of her neck, the soft skin on the inside of her elbow.
Flynn whimpered and mewled; they were the most beautiful sounds I’d ever heard. I’d give anything to remove the clothes—hers and mine—that were a barrier between us. Anything except the hurt and confusion I knew she’d feel when I had to leave before dawn.
Our kisses were harder, deeper, softer, sweeter, more impassioned than any I’d experienced in my life.
“There’s something I need to say, and it won’t be easy.”
Her eyes filled with tears.
“I’m sorry, Flynn, but I must say it.”
“It’s okay.”
I held her tight to me. “If I don’t come back, I want you to know that this has been the most important night of my life. I’ve never known how it felt to be so torn about leaving. I never knew how hard it was to leave a loved one behind when called for a mission. I couldn’t empathize with the men and women I worked with, because I’d never felt it for myself. As important as this mission is to me, as much as I’ve sacrificed in my life to see it through, I do not want to leave you. It’s tearing me up inside.”
“I will be here when you get back, Paxon. Every time, I’ll be waiting for you.”
“And if I don’t?”
“Then I will treasure the gifts you’ve given me. I’ll remember your hands on my body and so much more than that. How it felt when you first held me and we danced. The look on your face when you told me how pretty I looked. The desire I see in your eyes right now. I’ll remember it all for the rest of my life.”
When she put her hands on the hem of my shirt, I pulled it over my head. We slept on and off that way. Both of us naked from the waist up. When she turned her back to my front, I rested both hands
