I understood the gravity and truth in what he was saying, but my heart felt the bigger threat at what it would mean for myself and Leah if things ended earlier than we’d both planned. Especially after I'd just seen how much it hurt her at the reality that we would soon be separated.
For me… I felt almost numb. I knew our separation would be difficult from the beginning, but I wasn’t a stranger to goodbyes. I’d been well aware of how time had a magical ability to heal most wounds. So unless I was planning to keep her in my life for the long term, there was really no point in pushing this any further.
Perhaps separating now would be cleaner and easier, rather than in two days when we’d have to part ways at the airport.
“I’ll get back to you,” I told him, and ended the call.
Chapter 13
Leah
I’d fucked up. I'd truly fucked up, and it was bringing me much too close to panic.
The moment Tracy opened the door for me I hurried in, almost breathless from my run to get to the room. “I fucked up,” I told her.
Anne was already asleep on her bed.
Tracy’s eyes also looked groggy from her slumber, but a quick rub with her fingers seemed to wake her fully. “What do you mean?”
I dropped my purse to the ground and covered my face with my hands. “I cried Tracy… I cried in front of him.”
“Let’s sit down…” she said.
I allowed her to lead me towards the bed. I sat down and swiped the tears from my face. “I’m so fucking dumb. Why did I do that? But I didn’t mean to. I was just going to leave and then he dropped down to a knee to tie my shoe laces and it just melted me. God… I hate myself right now.” I turned to look at her.
Her hands were clutching her chest in relief. “I was scared there for a minute… when you said he dropped down to one knee, I thought you were going to say that he proposed or something.”
I groaned. “That didn’t even cross my mind.”
“So what exactly is on your mind?”
I inhaled and exhaled deeply. “I knew this was going to happen… I knew I was going to feel hurt when it all came to an end. I just need to keep myself in check until Saturday. Letting out my fucking emotions like tonight was just embarrassing for everyone.”
Tracy’s smile was sad, her hand gently running up and down my back to soothe me. “Do you really like him, Leah?” she asked.
It took me a long goddamn time to reply, but it wasn’t because I didn’t know the answer. Eventually I spoke and I was honest, “I do. I really do.” Tears filled my eyes again and it made me angry. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“You really like him. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
I exhaled then, exhausted and battered by the tumult of emotions inside of me.
“Leah, why did you both decide to end things after this? If you both really like each other, then why not take things further? Connections like this don’t come around very often. Why are you both letting go?”
I settled my gaze on her… this was the same question I‘d been asking myself over and over, but I lacked the courage to voice it out loud to anyone, even myself. “We agreed on a week. That’s all that we agreed we could have.”
“Things change all the time.” She shrugged.
“He lives in Minnesota, Tracy. I'm in Indiana. How is it going to work?”
“It’s going to work if you both want it to work. How long is the flight from both states? It can’t be more than two hours.”
“It’s an hour and fifteen minutes.”
“You’ve done your research!” She beamed. “An hour and fifteen minutes every other weekend to spend time with someone that’s special to you is a lot, but it’s not that much if you really care about each other. Plus there are calls and texts… and come to think of it, even people that are married have to spend time apart sometimes.” She snapped her fingers. “People in the military have the same dilemma too. You don’t see them giving up.”
I sighed. “I’ve thought of all of that, Tracy.”
“So what’s the problem?”
It felt almost embarrassing to admit, but I had to for my own sanity. “What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if it's just this week that he wanted?”
“Have you asked him?”
My throat closed up again. “How can I ask him that? This was supposed to be just a fling! He has never brought up any intention of wanting to take things further. Am I just going to allow myself to be slapped in the face by rejection?”
She went quiet for too long. “Will it hurt more than losing him forever, if you don’t try? With you always having to ask yourself ‘what if’?”
I turned to her with a frown. “What is it with you and Anne calling me out on my bullshit these days?”
“Because your pride keeps standing in your way, and it only exists because you really like him, so all you can think about is protecting yourself at all costs.”
I sighed. “So, you’re saying that I should ask him?”
“Yes…” Anne groaned out of nowhere.
The sound almost made me jump.
“You’re awake?” Tracy asked, surprised.
“Well, it’s hard to remain asleep with all the talking going on. She threw the duvet from her and sat up, her gaze settling lazily on me. “You’re usually much more clear headed Leah, but now it’s like we have to lead you by the hand every step of the way.”
“She knows what to do,” Tracy said. “She’s just scared.”
“Well…” Anne sighed. “What has fear ever done for anyone? You can’t ever get something worth having that doesn’t include being afraid. Feel the fear and do it anyway… and as cliche as that sounds,
