2
Alicia
I glance out the window, taking in the dreary, rainy London morning. It’s something I have come to love. The weather here is almost a reflection of my inner mood. When I left Richmond, I didn’t plan to stay away this long. I’m not sure what I expected, but sometimes life throws you curveballs and you have to adjust. Understatement of my life.
“The bags are in the trunk,” Simon says, startling me from his place inside the doorway. The door bangs shut behind him. His smile is kind and good-natured, a brightness I wish I could steal.
“Thanks.” I glance around the room, my pulse speeding as I anticipate what lies ahead in the coming hours. My heart pounds in my chest, my breath growing shallow. Part of me can’t wait to get on the airplane, but a piece of me worries I’m making a huge mistake. Maybe I should stay here and hide. No. It might be the path of least resistance, but I would hate myself forever if I missed Jill and Cam’s wedding. I can’t believe she’s getting married after all the years she swore she never would. But I guess I don’t really know her anymore. With a heavy exhale I slide my backpack over one shoulder. “I hope I packed everything.”
“I think they have shops there.” Simon grins smartly, but his humor falls away when I don’t join in with a smile of my own. “You’re nervous.”
I could lie and say I’m not, but we both know the truth. “Yeah, I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
“Hey.” He steps forward and places a hand on my shoulder. “You’ve got this, and I’ll be there with you every step of the way. Besides, how angry can your family be? We’re finally visiting.”
“It’s not just my family that I’m worried about.” It’s Callie. Jill. Him. So many nights I’ve dreamed about going back to Chase. Ever since I left the letter. But now, everything is different. So much time has passed. So much has happened. I can’t imagine he’ll be happy to see me, or rather, us.
“We better head out soon.” Simon checks his watch and then nods at the bedroom door. “Want me to get him up?”
Behind the door Matthew sleeps soundly, completely clueless to the chaos inside my head. He has no idea he’s the source of my apprehension, or that he’s one of the major reasons I haven’t gone back home. I never want him to know. “No, I’ll get him. He needs his diaper changed before we go.”
“Alicia, I’ve told you a million times. I don’t mind doing that.”
“I know.” I smile at Simon, the man who stepped up when I needed it most. He’s all in and even dirty diapers don’t scare him. Honestly, I don’t know how I got so lucky. I definitely don’t deserve him. “I’ve got this one. Are you nervous for our trip?”
“I can’t believe it’s finally happening. I’m rather fond of the idea of taking my first trip to America with the two people I love most.”
His words chase away the clouds of apprehension, at least enough to let a little sunshine through. “Thank you,” I say for about the hundredth time since making these plans.
“It’s going to be fine.” He reaches out and gives my hand a squeeze. “I promise.”
I sure hope he’s right. I’m tired of letting fear rule my decisions. I won’t hide anymore. Not from my past and not from my mistakes. I’ve done so much wrong, but I’ve done a lot of things right—and that’s enough. It has to be.
3
Alicia
Three Years Ago
“Hello?” I say, accepting the incoming call and praying it connects. “Jill?” I walk to another corner of my room and check the bars on my cell. Fuck. The reception in here is so temperamental. Much like my recent mood swings. I swear it’s the dreary weather. The doubt. Everything. My eyes tear up at the idea of missing her call again. It’s bad enough we haven’t talked in almost a month.
“Alicia?”
“Yes!” I exhale in relief. “I’m here!”
“You’re a hard one to catch these days.”
“They have us so busy. I’m sorry.”
“Fucking time zones. Anyway, catch me up! Fill me in! I want to know everything. How’s London? Have you met the Queen? An obscure duke? Maybe a viscount? Tell me you’ve at least stepped foot in a castle?”
I laugh and glance out my window. The old brick building across the courtyard looks like a castle. That counts for something, right? “Honestly, the only thing I do is study and go to class.”
“Alicia!”
“I know, I know. I’m a party pooper.” I feel lost without Chase. I have no desire to go out or meet people, but I can’t tell her that. “School is a lot right now, but I’m sure I’ll adjust.”
“Hey, I get you’re there to do big things, but you deserve to have a little fun.”
“Yeah.” Only I’ve been too exhausted to venture out on my own. I’ve also been insanely homesick. Not for home; no, my heart breaks when I video chat with my brothers and check in on Mom and Dad. But I can’t fight the overwhelming longing for the summer beach house I shared with Chase—even if it was only for a short moment in time. I wish we could go back. Back before I caught him drinking. Back before my father’s stroke. God, how did things get so turned around? “I promise I’ll have something more interesting to report the next time you call. How’s everything back in Richmond?”
She dives into a story about her latest project at work but I zone out when she starts talking hockey. It’s not really my thing. I wish I could ask about Chase. Of my friends, she’s the most likely to know something, but if I ask, she’ll be suspicious.
“ . . . and anyway, we have to get the rest of my crap out of the guest house before we pick up Kenz this
