Tony stood and gave Mama a hug.
While he felt like a heel for prompting her, he needed to know what it might be like for Carmella now that they were becoming serious. The thought of dying on the job and leaving her alone nearly paralyzed him. Almost as bad as the thought of saddling her with a disabled firefighter if he suffered a severe injury.
“Sorry to bring this up, Mama, but how’d you cope when Papa went out on rescues after that close call?”
“The same way I do now when I hear calls for the ACFD go out on the scanner. I pray the rosary. I pace the floors.” She shrugged. “It’s what mothers and wives of first responders do.”
He didn’t want Carmella to worry like that, but thankfully she wouldn’t be living within scanner range of his station. Maybe it wouldn’t be as hard for her.
After he sat down again, Mama stared at him a long moment. “Why all these questions?”
He couldn’t really explain. Not yet anyway.
“No reason.” He became suddenly interested in playing with the saltshaker.
“Antonio Giardano Jr.” Her admonishing tone made it clear that he was going to have to answer her.
He met her gaze. “I guess I just don’t understand why you chose to be with Papa knowing he put himself into dangerous situations all the time.”
“Because I loved him.”
She made it sound so simple. “How did Papa feel about making you worry?”
She shrugged. “Papa didn’t know. We never talked about it.”
Of course, Papa went out on nearly forty calls a year by the end, when recreational activities in the wilderness had ramped up. How could Papa not think about his own mortality and how it would affect his family? Maybe he did and kept that from her as well?
“He came home to me every time but that one…” Tears shimmered in Mama’s eyes, and Tony squeezed her hand. “I just assumed he always would. But when the priest and an off-duty firefighter who also served with the SAR team showed up at my front door to tell me what had happened, I collapsed. Thank God you kids were at school. It took me an hour to compose myself enough to send for Angelina at the high school. While I waited, I managed to call you boys home from college.”
Tony pulled a napkin from the dispenser and wiped her tears.
“I remember coming in the door,” Tony said, “and seeing your face I knew immediately it was worse than I’d expected. I had thought maybe Papa had been injured on the job or something.”
“I was so certain you’d all have to drop out of college, because we didn’t have enough savings to pay several more years of tuition, but Rafe and Franco put their degrees on the back burner to make sure you and Matteo finished yours on time.”
Tony had known his two oldest brothers had helped a lot. Had he ever expressed his gratitude sufficiently? He owed them both so much. Fortunately, his oldest brothers had been able to finish their degrees eventually by going to night school.
“I’m sorry to bring up all these bad memories, Mama. I only…” How could he explain? “I’m just curious about why any woman would want to take up with someone who can’t promise to be there the rest of her life. And now you’re dating a man who works in the fire service. You’re a glutton for punishment.”
Mama grinned but didn’t say anything more about her relationship with Paul. “If you’re worried about Carmella, she can handle it better than most women. She’s experienced tragic loss before.”
Tony nodded, then did a double take. How did she know he was thinking about Carmella?
Mama’s smile grew wider. “I saw how you two looked at each other last night at the gala.”
Had they been so obvious? Who else knew? Hell, if their secret was out, Tony wished he’d kissed her like he’d wanted to at the benefit.
Needing to finish what he’d come here to talk about, he met Mama’s gaze again. No beating around the bush. “I don’t know if I have anything to offer her, Mama.”
Mama frowned and tilted her head as she stared at him. “She seemed happy with you at the gala.”
Now that the cat was out of the bag, he might as well tell her everything he was worrying about. “But if we did get more serious, I’d want to provide for her.”
Mama shook her head. “You Italian men and your foolish pride.”
“It’s not a macho thing. I—”
“Isn’t it?”
Under his breath, Tony said, “Okay, maybe a little.”
Mama chuckled, letting Tony know she’d overheard him. “She has an excellent career and stability. You will provide her with nonmaterial things that no amount of money can buy.”
He hadn’t thought of it that way. “But, Mama, I don’t want to have her worrying about me all the time, because stress is a killer. Besides, it might affect how I do my job.”
“Could you give up your vocation for her—or any woman, for that matter—in order to live a safe life?”
“No, Mama. Firefighting is who I am. I couldn’t love someone who asked me to quit.”
“Exactly. But don’t expect Carmella to give up her career and sit at home waiting for you. After all, I did work before my babies came along.”
Tony hadn’t even thought about how things would change if children came into the relationship. He ran his hand through his hair. He had a lot to think about but hoped they’d have a few years to get to know each other better before starting a family.
Look at you already acting like she’d marry you in the first place.
One thing was certain, Tony needed to let go of his worries about whether they were right for each other. No one else could
