Tony couldn’t think of anything he’d do differently, although he wished for a better outcome.
“I’m sure if you talked with the department’s counselors or your supervisors, they would tell you the same thing.”
“Actually, I’ve been seeing the therapist Rafe recommended. Going to counseling has been some of the toughest work I’ve ever had to do, but I needed to do something about my drinking before it got any worse and started affecting my ability to do my job. I thought things were going better, then last week we had a water rescue with another mother and daughter, and I froze.” He paused a moment. “My command staff made me take some time off to get my head on straight.”
“I’m glad you joined me here. I hope you found it helpful.”
“More than I ever expected. You’re easy to be with, Carmella. I had a lot of fun and more than a few unexpected surprises.”
She smiled briefly then grew serious again. “Do you think you’ll be ready to go back next week?”
He shrugged. “I had a phone session with my therapist on Tuesday while you were at your refresher diving class.”
“I’m so glad you’re talking with a professional about all this.”
He gave a curt nod, relieved that she didn’t think he was a nutcase for needing therapy. “You’re a good listener, Carmella. Most people ask how we’re doing, then try to fill the awkward silences with a barrage of questions or euphemisms.”
“The military counselors advised my family to do more listening and to let Marc talk when he was ready. Unfortunately, my brother kept it bottled up, not wanting to burden us, I suppose. I guess he did talk with the Marines from his unit. I think he’s opened up to Angelina now too. I’m glad he finally found people he could talk to about it.”
Did Carmella resent the fact that she hadn’t been one of those people? Regardless, she had become informed about what to do if he did want to share with her. If more family and friends knew how to ask, how to simply listen, maybe the suicide rate among veterans and first responders wouldn’t be so high.
Of course, how long had Tony gone before opening up to his family? Hell, they’d had to have an intervention just to get his attention.
Tony kissed her on the forehead. “Thanks for letting me talk about my issues. I haven’t shared the details with anyone outside the department or my therapist’s office until tonight.”
“I’m honored that you’re comfortable enough with me to share. Everyone needs to find someone they trust enough to share the bad as well as the good with.”
“Lisa, my therapist, taught me a number of coping mechanisms to use when I have flashbacks or anxiety. She put me into a routine that’s helped lessen the severity and frequency of my nightmares. I might have used some of those techniques with you tonight during the dive.”
“Really?”
“Some were things they taught me the other day during the rescue-diving class, but the slow-breathing exercise was straight out of Lisa’s playbook.”
“I’m glad she’s given you a wide range of tools to use, both for yourself and so that you can help others—like me, in this case.”
Tony idly stroked her back as he willed his own muscles to relax after tensing up during the recounting. He couldn’t believe how easy it had been to talk with Carmella tonight. That she hadn’t judged him or been disappointed in his inability to be the hero of this story made him love her even more.
Wait! Hold on a minute! Who said anything about love?
Admire, yes. Maybe cherish best described his feelings for Carmella. Sure, he loved her in his own way, just not in that way.
A niggling voice in the back of his mind asked, And why the hell not?
He thought back on this past week and all that they’d shared.
“It’s lifted a weight off, having told you. I guess I’d been ashamed of myself and hiding from everyone what was happening.”
Carmella propped herself up. “Hold on. You said you were having nightmares since the incident in June. Is that why you didn’t want to stay a full night in my bed?”
“Guilty as charged. I was worried about hurting you in the midst of a nightmare. Even though they don’t happen as often now, I can’t predict when one will come.”
“I imagine you like to be more in control of things.” She grinned.
“You’ve noticed?” He sure as hell liked to be in control in bed, whether awake or asleep. “I’m willing to give it a try tonight. I’ve been wanting to go to sleep with you and wake up next to you all week.”
“I’ll admit that I wondered if not actually falling asleep with me was just a thing with you and your women.”
Tony didn’t like the way that sounded, although he’d certainly been with more than a few.
“I’ll admit that I’ve never spent an entire night with a woman before this, Carmella, even before I was worried about having nightmares.”
Her eyes opened wider, and he wondered if she equated the statement with some indication of how he felt about her. He wasn’t sure how he felt about her yet.
“You’re not like any other woman I’ve met. I want to spend the night with you, to fall asleep beside you, and to wake up with you in the morning.” Hopefully without any nightmares in between.
She smiled. “I’d like that too.”
A weight lifted off his shoulders. Well, at least the weight of wondering if she still wanted to have him in her bed all night long. He still had to worry about those nightmares returning and freaking her out.
“That doesn’t mean I’m not still worried about having a nightmare.”
“Why don’t we worry about that if and when it happens? When’s the last time
