His shoulders slumped and he sighed heavily before lifting his head and staring at me with cold blue eyes.
“I—”
“Do you know why I’m awake?” he cut me off. I shook my head with wide eyes, unable to say a word. “Your fear woke me up. It was bone chilling. I’ve never felt you like that before.”
I rode through the forest in the middle of the night fueled on pure adrenaline. I never expected it to be fear as well. I guess I was scared. This whole situation scared me to death.
I walked over to Bash and knelt before him, placing my hands on his knees. “I’ll explain everything, I promise, just … don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me with those dead eyes.”
Bash threw his head back and looked up at the ceiling. “I can’t keep doing this, Mackenzie,” he whispered.
My heart started to beat erratically and my breathing quickened. I forced myself to blink back tears and gripped the cloth of his pants to get his attention. “Please, just listen to me, Bash—”
His head fell forward and he looked at me. “What now, Mackenzie? You’re going to apologize and promise you’ll never do it again, but you will! You—”
“I’m pregnant!” I cried.
He choked on what he was about to say and stared at me with wide eyes, frozen in place.
“I – I found out tonight, after the ceremony. When I got back up here, I found a package from Abaddon … it was a baby rattle. He knows. The baby is what he’s after, Bash. That’s what he’s looking for!”
“That—that’s not possible,” he murmured. “You’re on birth control.”
“I think it has something to do with the fae magic in my blood,” I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment. “I don’t know, I’m just guessing here. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter what it is at this point, because the damage is done.”
“Damage?” Bash choked out. “Is it really that horrible of an idea to have a child with me?”
I dropped my forehead on his knee and exhaled. “That’s not what I’m saying,” I muttered. “Don’t take my words out of context. I said a lot of stuff just now and that’s what you focused on?” I raised my head to stare at him.
“You’ve never wanted children, Mackenzie. What am I supposed to think?”
Shivering in my wet clothes, I slumped back on my heels, my hands dropping to my thighs. I realized that no matter what I said, it wouldn’t change the fact that I didn’t want children. He knew that. I’d made it painstakingly clear from day one.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like children. I did. If the situation was different, I wouldn’t mind starting a family, but the life we led wasn’t meant for a settled down life like that. I didn’t know how much clearer I could make it. Even before I was made Queen, I had enemies. Now I had even more. It seemed never ending.
“What do you plan to do, Mackenzie? Alexander won’t let you get rid of the heir to the throne,” he said angrily.
My eyes blurred with unshed tears and my bottom lip wobbled as I realized my choices were no longer mine. The thought alone made me chuckle a bit. It was such an oxymoron. I spent so many years fighting for my freedom, for the freedom of lunas and lone wolves, just to lose my freedom in the end. It made me feel like a hypocrite. Like everything I’d done was a lie. I fought so hard for everyone else, but I couldn’t even fight for myself.
Bash dropped down to the floor beside me and knelt, taking my hands in his. “Listen to me, Mackenzie. We can do this. I know what you’re worried about, but together we can protect this baby. Have some faith! Don’t give up so quickly. I know you’re scared, but being scared is a good sign. It means you care, and you know the importance of what you’re about to do. So don’t give in to those thoughts and don’t do anything crazy. Stay with me. Please,” he pleaded.
I felt completely numb. I didn’t know if it was from riding in the rain and still being in wet clothes, or from the impossibility of the situation, but I couldn’t feel a thing.
Lucian told me he would protect this baby, even if it was from me. Bash was ready to lay down his life for his child. And there I was, ready to throw in the towel. I was such a coward. I was scared. Terrified, even. How the hell could I raise a lycan baby?
What was I going to do? Send the kid off to public school in the human world? Or should I let him be raised by the Lycan? Both thoughts sounded absurd to me and impossible. But was it?
I turned my head and stared my mate and husband straight in the eyes. “If we do this, no one can know … at least not right now. This baby has to stay a secret as long as possible.”
“We have to tell Alexander,” Bash amended.
I nodded. “Of course. We’ll tell Alexander and Ranulf, but no one else. The more people who know, the more dangerous it is.”
“Wait,” Bash stopped me. “We should tell Dr. Harris. You need to be checked out as soon as possible. We need to know how far along you are.”
I bit my lip, contemplating whether it was okay to tell the doc. I didn’t know him all that well, but he seemed okay. Even so, a lot of people seemed okay and turned out not to be, so I didn’t want to go off first impressions. But Bash was right; I needed to see a doctor. I hadn’t been feeling well lately and this might be why.
“Okay, we’ll have Ranulf make an appointment with Dr. Harris on the low. William is the only guard keeping watch and he’s probably hearing our conversation now, so he can be
