"Could have stopped it," I slice into his excuse for me and shred it with a single, gentle slash.
"Don't do this to yourself," he warns, his voice frantic for both of us.
I'm about to drag us into danger, out of the natural orbit of our day-to-day. We're two cowards, living the same cowering existence. We ignore the fact that life slips by while we’re busy hiding out, unwilling to risk living if it means we might fall into a trap along the way. We’re supreme cowards.
But I want to change that. I can do it. I can start the change.
"I could have saved my parents' marriage." I let the words march out and trample our stupid, delicate field of lies, spoken and unspoken. "I could have gotten him money. I could have picked the right damn horse every single time, Winch. Every time. It would have taken me less than a few hours a week. And we would have been living together, rich as thieves."
My voice shakes around this one version of a fairytale ending that exists, bright and clear, in the deepest depths of my imagination.
He moves his lips in several shapes that look like they'll disagree, then his mouth snaps into a frustrated scowl.
"So why not?" His words lash out. "Why not make it easy, Evan? What did you gain? Daddy and mommy split. You got pushed out of your house, out of your life. The money is wasted. Your father is probably ashamed. Why do that?"
I let the trap engage and feel gravity release its hold on me as I'm jerked through the air.
There are four tears on my face, and I have to coat every nerve in steel to keep any more from falling.
"I did it because...the lie got too big," I gasp. I am swinging way out of my comfort zone, flailing and kicking for ground that's too far away to be my possibility anymore. "He was using me. He was losing himself. She was a shell. We were in trouble. And it was the only shot...it was the one and only shot to make things right. Attempting to save my family was absolutely worth that gamble to me. But in the end--"
One sob wrenches from my throat, like the bugle-loud cry of a wounded animal. "In the end, neither one of my parents was strong enough to gamble on us. So it all fell apart."
I wipe my eyes with the back of my free hand, moving it with quick, vicious strokes. "My lucky eye doesn't work for me and the people I love. I couldn't see who would win when it came to my own family's fate, you know? It wasn't simple, like the horses. And I wound up getting slapped with what my dad must have felt." A long, shuddery breath cycles in and out. "Total and complete humiliation."
I haven't even told this to Brenna. She would never, ever get it. Her family is so amazing and close. She'd do anything, anything at all to help them, and they'd do the same and more for her. And I'm genuinely happy that she has that. I would never want her to be in my shoes.
I thought Winch might get it, but now that it's splattered out between us and he's sitting like a boulder, it's clear I exploded something that he'll never understand and I can't put back now.
I never should have tried to pull us closer. I'm good at pushing. It's my specialty. I can push anything, anyone, far away with no hope of bridging back what I've torn all asunder.
I push away from Winch, ready to joke about what a pansy I am, how stupid my pathetic life is, how right he would be to detest me and my disloyalty to my own damn parents. I'm swinging high above the ground, and I give up the fight and wait for the knife to slit my throat.
Only it doesn't.
"What you did?" Winch's voice trembles until I'm positive it's about to fracture. "What you did is so fucking brave. You know that? Not many people would have the guts to do what you did."
"My parents divorced. My life is ruined."
I shove those bitter counterarguments out under the glare of his judgment, only because I want him to strike them down.
And he does. "Yeah. So they did. So it is. But you took a chance. You saw that things were wrong and you were brave enough to attempt to fix them. It's especially hard when it's your blood." He pulls me closer, until I'm pressed against him, his breath jagged rasps coming in and out of his mouth. "Trust me, your parents wish they were half as brave as you."
He's cut the noose and let me hop free, unharmed.
"Why?" I press, giddy at my own freedom, the lightness confessing brought me, and the sweet relief of Winch’s admiration.
"Because they live with all their own fears and weaknesses every minute of every day, Evan. You set yourself free. That's...that's crazy. I've never heard of anything like that." His voice pools around me, and it’s like sinking into a bubble bath. "I admire how brave you are. It's a pretty big turn on."
"Oh yeah?"
I stare into his eyes, hunting me, and I'm happy to be his prey.
I should be ashamed, considering I just spilled my deepest, darkest secrets. But I'm just plain old horny.
Winchester Youngblood is in my room, a few feet from my big queen bed. My eyes go to the plush piece of furniture that dominates the space, calling to us, demanding us to roll around in the sheets. I want to. I want to so badly.
"My grandparents won't be home until morning. Why don't you work up the courage to ask me to fool around with you?"
For a split second, I expect him to pull back, tell me no, keep things clearly delineated between us. But then his arms snap around me, and he scoops me off the floor, walks
