“What happened?” I ask with surprise.
“I’ve been screaming your name for hours now. Where the hell were you?” she looks so upset and hurt, and embarrassed. She’s red in the face. “Gabe, I’ve needed to pee for like four hours now. My phone died and I didn’t have a charger… and I couldn’t get into the fucking wheelchair. I… I guess I fell.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” I say softly, moving to her side to help pick her up. I place her in the wheelchair, and she shoves me aside angrily. “I’m so sorry.”
“Where were you?” she demands to know again. “We’re on lockdown, where the hell did you even go?”
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I just needed a walk to clear my head.”
“Fuck this shit. I need a better physical therapist,” she says with determination as I push her chair to the bathroom to get her cleaned up. “I want to be able to walk again. I don’t want to depend on you, when you clearly don’t give a shit about me. You never did, Gabe. I’m nothing to you.”
“That is not true,” I tell her, trying to stay calm. Both of them are driving me mad. I swear.
“What woman are you texting?” Yvette demands angrily. “Is it one of the girls from the massage parlor? What stupid slut is more important than your wife?”
I have to take a moment to take some deep breaths before I help her out of the wheelchair and into the shower. “Evie, please.”
“No! I’m sick of this. I see the way you look at me, the way you touch me… you’re disgusted by me, aren’t you?” she asks. “You don’t even find me attractive anymore, do you? Is it because I’m sick and skinny like a skeleton now? I couldn’t eat properly for months!”
“Evie, you’re beautiful. I find you attractive,” I tell her, as I turn on the shower and make sure the water temperature is comfortable.
“Then why don’t you touch me? Kiss me? You must find me hideous now,” she says, and she’s sobbing as I try to gently lift her out of her wheelchair to transfer her to the chair in the shower. She clings to my shoulders for support.
“No!” I tell her, as I remove her soiled dress gently, before placing her down on the chair. “You’re as beautiful the day I met you. I promise.”
She looks so broken and defeated. “Then you don’t love me anymore?”
“I’ll always love you,” I tell her, as I begin to gently wash her body.
“Then fucking kiss me! Please.” There are tears streaming down her face. I feel so guilty. I know how much she needs this. I understand that she needs to be loved, and that’s part of healing too. That’s why she came home to me. And that’s not what I’ve been giving her. I’ve been a friend and a guardian, a caretaker.
I haven’t been her husband. Not really. And this is part of my duty.
The job I signed up for when I married her.
Stepping closer, I ignore the shower soaking my clothing as I lean down to kiss her soundly. I kiss her with every ounce of strength I have left, trying to show her how much I care. How much I’ve cared for years, and how much I want her to be okay.
When I pull my lips away, she is still crying, but they are happy tears. She has wrapped her arms around my neck, and she is clinging tightly.
“Gabe,” she begs. “Make love to me.”
I hesitate. “Are you sure you can handle that?”
“Handle that?” she slaps me across the face, although she is still weak and it does not really hurt. “Stop rubbing it in my face that I’m a useless invalid. Treat me like I’m a woman. Like I’m your wife. Make love to me here in the shower, like we used to.”
“Yvette…” I say softly.
“Please,” she begs. “Just help me feel normal again.”
I know I have to. Although it hurts my soul a little bit, and I feel like I am betraying Milla. But this is important to Evie, so it’s important to me. I just want her to feel healthy and whole.
Chapter 28
There seems to be no way that I can help one woman without hurting another.
I’m starting to realize this, and I just feel stuck—everything I try to do causes pain. So I have stopped doing much of anything. I can’t seem to work. I hate to admit it, but I’ve been drinking a lot. Every time I talk to Camilla, it’s not fun and happy anymore. She’s angry and far away. I can feel that she no longer trusts me. I can feel her giving up and pulling away, and I don’t know how to stop it.
I drink myself to sleep sometimes, so I don’t have to think about it. Sometimes I feel like I have to shut Camilla out of my mind in order to function. In order to keep living my life. It’s too painful to remember her, and to remember how happy we were a few short weeks ago. I can’t manage living like this, faking things with Evie while my heart is stuck somewhere on the other side of the planet. I feel sick about it.
There’s nothing I can do to make it better. I’m so tired of sneaking away to text Camilla like a teenager hiding from his parents. I hate that I’m constantly disappointing her, and making her question us. I hate that I’m the major source of her pain, and I’m starting to feel like I need to push her away or end things in order for us to both be okay. It’s just not sustainable to be stuck in this relationship halfway. Not even halfway…
It’s like we dipped our toes or feet into paradise, but have all these heavy chains anchoring our whole bodies to dry land, to reality… and we can never seem to find the strength or bravery to just dive in. I wish
