I can’t ruin Milla’s chance at happiness with that asshole, Mike, just because I selfishly want to keep her all to myself. I have to let her go. But it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, to know she’s just on the other side of these walls… a few inches of wood are all that separate us. She’s so close to me. And I can’t touch her. I can’t go to her. I have to do the right thing and let her go.
Fuck! Why did I come here? I turn around and march away from the church.
But she sent me that e-vite. She wanted me to come here, right? I pause.
Did she want me to come and be a guest at her wedding? Or did she want me to rescue her? I don’t know what to do. I turn back to look at the doors.
All I know for sure is that we really do love each other, and that guy she’s marrying means nothing to her. I know that if I walk in there and take her hand and say her name, she will walk away from him in a heartbeat. She will leave with me. I know that. She will go anywhere with me. Stepping forward again, I put my hands on the big brass doorknobs. Just a tiny pull and these doors will open, and I can finally see her. The woman who I believe is the love of my life.
But then what?
Can I marry her like we originally planned? What about Yvette? Can I tell my wife that I’m breaking up with her now, when she’s pregnant and carrying my baby—and depressed about it? I remove my hands from the doors and step backwards violently, nearly stumbling down the stairs. I know that Evie is probably only keeping the baby because she thinks it will make me happy, when she’s sworn to me for over ten years that she never wanted to have children. When she’s always been so diligent about her birth control—never missing a pill in her adult life. Until lately when she’s been comatose and sick, I guess.
I don’t know how long a wedding lasts, but even if I don’t stop the wedding… if I’m still standing here when Milla comes out of that church… I will still take her away from her husband. I don’t care if she’s married or not—what bullshit words they say inside that building. I know that she belongs to me in her heart and soul. So, I need to decide now. Am I going to go in there and do something?
Am I brave enough to end things with Evie?
I close my eyes, clenching my fists. My heart is beating out of my chest.
If I lay eyes on Milla, there will be no more decision to make. I know that in my bones. She is my soulmate, and if I can see her and touch her, I’m never going to let her go. There will be no other option after that. It will just be settled. We’ve dreamed too hard about this.
Am I strong enough to do what needs to be done?
I take a deep breath. Evie still needs me. But I know I can’t put Milla through the hell of making her wait for me even another day. Stop the wedding! I’m in love with you! Now go back to your apartment and wait alone for me for the next nine months while I stay with my wife and have a baby. And then wait alone for at least another five-ten years until the baby is old enough to have a normal childhood with me being his father, and then maybe after all of that, we can be together.
“Fuck,” I say out loud. I really should have thought this through some more.
I take a step back. And then another.
What if this Mike guy is decent? What if he takes good care of Milla? What if he can make her happy to some degree. Be there for her every minute, like I never have been? I don’t want to step into that church, and become a bomb exploding all over the life Milla is trying to build. What if I can make Evie somewhat happy, and Mike can make Milla somewhat happy? Maybe that’s good enough? Maybe I need to do the smart thing and let her go. Think of all the players involved, and not just put my own desires above everyone else.
And it’s not just about abandoning Yvette anymore. It’s about the baby.
I muster up all my courage. I turn and walk away from the church.
I won’t tell Milla I was here. It’s better that she doesn’t know. She is clearly trying her best to move on with her life, and I need to let her have that chance. I need to let her do whatever she needs to do in order to be okay.
I pause for one second when I hear the church doors open. I turn back halfway, just wanting to look. I want to see her so badly. In person and not on video call. In her white dress. A dress I wish she was wearing for me.
But I can’t. I know I won’t be strong enough to walk away after that. It kills me inside, but I drag myself away. I force myself to put one foot in front of the other and push my body from the church. I have to pick up the pace as I walk more briskly, and then break into a run that my newly smoke-damaged lungs can barely handle.
I run away, out of her life forever.
Chapter 33
Yvette and I are finally at the clinic for her ultrasound. I’ve been home for a few days, mostly keeping to myself because I feel like a cantankerous old man. I’m snapping at everything. I’m angry, miserable, and awful to be around. But I’ve heard her moaning in pain a lot through the walls, and I am a bit
