“I…” She could feel the tightness rising in her throat and had to blink to hold the tears at bay. She would not give him the satisfaction of letting him know how his words were affecting her, like a dagger through her heart. Even if they were partially true. “I don’t know what last night was. But I do know it wasn’t so cut-and-dried as what you are making it out to be.”
“Of course that’s how it was.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “And more the fool I am for allowing it.”
“Allowing it?” A sense of anger rose within her. “You didn’t allow anything. I chose to give you my virginity. And do you want to know the true reason I did?” She took a deep breath and raised her chin. “Because, fool that I am, I’ve fallen in love with you.”
“If you think yourself in love with me, then you are a fool.” His words were brimming with vehemence. “What you are feeling is lust. A feeling that will pass all too quickly.”
“Don’t you dare presume to tell me what I am feeling!” Livie’s hands squeezed into fists. “I know what I am feeling, and as foolish as it may be, I love you, Sebastian. I love you, even though I know there can never be a future for us. I love you, knowing my heart will be broken by doing so.” She could already feel it starting to ache. “But at least I’m honest enough with myself to admit it.”
“You are being hopelessly naive.”
She pressed her lips together and nodded. “You’re right, I probably am. But better to be hopelessly naive and to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I may have kept most others at arm’s length, but not those I love and trust. Whereas you keep everyone away from you, refusing to trust or love anyone.”
“I do that to keep people safe!” He yelled before dragging a hand through his hair. “My mother died because of me. She’d finally gotten her life together, had married a good man who loved and cared for her, she’d had a daughter in wedlock. But she lost all of that because of me. She died because of me.” His voice was a tortured whisper. “And if you continued to love me, you would die, too. I will not allow that to happen.”
Then he turned on his heel and, without glancing back, strode down the corridor to the entranceway and out of sight.
Livie did all she could to hold back the tears. She wouldn’t cry over him. She couldn’t, or she wouldn’t stop.
Even if her heart was shattering into a thousand pieces.
Chapter Forty-Five
“What do you mean he’s gotten away again?” Seb said in a deadly whisper as he stood looking into the empty room down by the tavern at the docks some four hours after he’d left Livie.
Four hours of replaying in his head the words she’d whispered to him that had caused him to break out in a cold sweat, every time he remembered her saying them… I’ve fallen in love with you. She obviously had no idea how dangerous love was, because if she knew, she never would have said that. She never would have risked the heartache such feelings inevitably caused.
Not that she really could be in love with him. She was simply in lust, as he’d said.
But there was time later to think about such things. Now he had to turn his attention back to where the hell this man was.
The boy, whom Lance had tasked with keeping a watch from a distance on the Lads and their movements, was wringing his hands with an expression of terror plastered on his face. “I’m sorry, boss,” the boy stammered. “I got a note from Mr. Trantor.” His eyes flicked up to Lance, who was standing next to Seb. “It said I could go get some lunch. So, I did…”
“I sent no goddamn note to you, boy,” Lance roared, as he grabbed the boy’s jacket and pushed him up against a wall. “Can you even read?”
“N-n-no, sir,” the boy stammered. “But Minch can, and that’s what he said the note said.”
“Put him down,” Seb directed Lance as his eyes turned to the man named Minch.
After ten more minutes of questioning both Minch and the boy, it became clear that their two men had been duped. Minch had pulled out the note, which wasn’t in Lance’s handwriting, though neither Minch nor the boy had known that, but they’d happily gone along with the instruction saying they could take a break and have some tucker, even without any replacements to keep an eye on things.
“He must have known we’d found him and were watching him,” Lance said once they had sent the two men on their way and were alone in the room where the Lads had been staying.
Seb began to wander around the small space where his quarry had been only a short time ago. “Why the hell didn’t you and a couple of our men go in and grab the damn bastard and lock him up until I got here?” Lance had been his right-hand man for too long not to have thought of such a thing.
“You left very specific instructions with Rowan that no one was to give away our presence, let alone touch the fellow until you arrived!” Lance fired back, squaring up to Sebastian. “Don’t you dare get angry with me for following instructions and doing exactly what you asked. Like I always damn well do ever since we were children!”
“I also left specific instructions that we were to have eyes on him the whole time. Fuck!” Seb began to pace the edge of
