The Country Wife

after ninepins. You suffer none to give her those longings you mean but yourself. Pinchwife I tell her of the vanities of the town like a confessor. Alithea A confessor! just such a confessor as he that, by forbidding a silly ostler to grease the horse’s teeth, taught him to do’t. Pinchwife Come, Mrs. Flippant, good precepts are lost when bad examples are still before us: the liberty you take abroad makes her hanker after it, and out of humour at home. Poor wretch! she desired not to come to London; I would bring her. Alithea Very well. Pinchwife She has been this week in town, and never desired till this afternoon to go abroad. Alithea Was she not at a play yesterday? Pinchwife Yes; but she ne’er asked me; I was myself the cause of her going. Alithea Then if she ask you again, you are the cause of her asking, and not my example. Pinchwife Well, tomorrow night I shall be rid of you; and the next day, before ’tis light, she and I’ll be rid of the town, and my dreadful apprehensions.⁠—Come, be not melancholy; for thou sha’t go into the country after tomorrow, dearest. Alithea Great comfort! Mrs. Pinchwife Pish! what d’ye tell me of the country for? Pinchwife How’s this! what, pish at the country? Mrs. Pinchwife Let me alone; I am not well. Pinchwife O, if that be all⁠—what ails my dearest? Mrs. Pinchwife Truly, I don’t know: but I have not been well since you told me there was a gallant at the play in love with me. Pinchwife Ha!⁠— Alithea That’s by my example too! Pinchwife Nay, if you are not well, but are so concerned, because a lewd fellow chanced to lie, and say he liked you, you’ll make me sick too. Mrs. Pinchwife Of what sickness? Pinchwife O, of that which is worse than the plague, jealousy. Mrs. Pinchwife Pish, you jeer! I’m sure there’s no such disease in our receipt-book at home. Pinchwife No, thou never met’st with it, poor innocent.⁠—Well, if thou cuckold me, ’twill be my own fault⁠—for cuckolds and bastards are generally makers of their own fortune. Aside. Mrs. Pinchwife Well, but pray, bud, let’s go to a play tonight. Pinchwife ’Tis just done, she comes from it. But why are you so eager to see a play? Mrs. Pinchwife Faith, dear, not that I care one pin for their talk there; but I like to look upon the playermen, and would see, if I could, the gallant you say loves me: that’s all, dear bud. Pinchwife Is that all, dear bud? Alithea This proceeds from my example! Mrs. Pinchwife But if the play be done, let’s go abroad, however, dear bud. Pinchwife Come have a little patience and thou shalt go into the country on Friday. Mrs. Pinchwife Therefore I would see first some sights to tell my neighbours of. Nay, I will go abroad, that’s once. Alithea I’m the cause of this desire too! Pinchwife But now I think on’t, who, who was the cause of Horner’s coming to my lodgings today? That was you. Alithea No, you, because you would not let him see your handsome wife out of your lodging. Mrs. Pinchwife Why, O Lord! did the gentleman come hither to see me indeed? Pinchwife No, no.⁠—You are not the cause of that damned question too, Mistress Alithea?⁠—Aside. Well, she’s in the right of it. He is in love with my wife⁠—and comes after her⁠—’tis so⁠—but I’ll nip his love in the bud; lest he should follow us into the country, and break his chariot-wheel near our house, on purpose for an excuse to come to’t. But I think I know the town. Mrs. Pinchwife Come, pray, bud, let’s go abroad before ’tis late; for I will go, that’s flat and plain. Pinchwife Aside. So! the obstinacy already of the town-wife; and I must, whilst she’s here, humour her like one.⁠—Aloud. Sister, how shall we do, that she may not be seen, or known? Alithea Let her put on her mask. Pinchwife Pshaw! a mask makes people but the more inquisitive, and is as ridiculous a disguise as a stage-beard: her shape, stature, habit will be known. And if we should meet with Horner, he would be sure to take acquaintance with us, must wish her joy, kiss her, talk to her, leer upon her, and the devil and all. No, I’ll not use her to a mask, ’tis dangerous; for masks have made more cuckolds than the best faces that ever were known. Alithea How will you do then? Mrs. Pinchwife Nay, shall we go? The Exchange will be shut, and I have a mind to see that. Pinchwife So⁠—I have it⁠—I’ll dress her up in the suit we are to carry down to her brother, little Sir James; nay, I understand the town-tricks. Come, let’s go dress her. A mask! no⁠—a woman masked, like a covered dish, gives a man curiosity and appetite; when, it may be, uncovered, ’twould turn his stomach: no, no. Alithea Indeed your comparison is something a greasy one: but I had a gentle gallant used to say, A beauty masked, like the sun in eclipse, gathers together more gazers than if it shined out. Exeunt.

Scene II

The New Exchange.

	Enter Horner, Harcourt, and Dorilant.
Dorilant	Engaged to women, and not sup with us!
Horner	Ay, a pox on ’em all!
Harcourt	You were much a more reasonable man in the morning, and had as noble resolutions against ’em, as a widower of a week’s liberty.
Dorilant	Did I ever think to see you keep company with women in vain?
Horner	In vain: no⁠—’tis since I can’t love ’em, to be revenged on ’em.
Harcourt	Now your sting is gone, you looked in the box amongst all those women like a drone in the hive; all upon you, shoved and ill-used by ’em all, and thrust from one side to t’other.
Dorilant	Yet he must be buzzing amongst ’em still, like other beetle-headed liquorish drones. Avoid ’em, and hate ’em, as they hate you.
Horner	Because I do hate ’em, and would hate ’em yet more, I’ll frequent ’em. You may see by marriage, nothing makes a man hate a woman more than her constant conversation. In short, I converse