The Country Wife

mistress! Aside. Harcourt Sir, you are so beyond expectation obliging, that⁠— Sparkish Nay, egad, I am sure you do admire her extremely; I see’t in your eyes.⁠—He does admire you, madam.⁠—By the world, don’t you? Harcourt Yes, above the world, or the most glorious part of it, her whole sex: and till now I never thought I should have envied you, or any man about to marry, but you have the best excuse for marriage I ever knew. Alithea Nay, now, sir, I’m satisfied you are of the society of the wits and raillieurs, since you cannot spare your friend, even when he is but too civil to you; but the surest sign is, since you are an enemy to marriage⁠—for that I hear you hate as much as business or bad wine. Harcourt Truly, madam, I was never an enemy to marriage till now, because marriage was never an enemy to me before. Alithea But why, sir, is marriage an enemy to you now? because it robs you of your friend here? for you look upon a friend married, as one gone into a monastery, that is, dead to the world. Harcourt ’Tis indeed, because you marry him; I see, madam, you can guess my meaning. I do confess heartily and openly, I wish it were in my power to break the match; by Heavens I would. Sparkish Poor Frank! Alithea Would you be so unkind to me? Harcourt No, no, ’tis not because I would be unkind to you. Sparkish Poor Frank! no gad, ’tis only his kindness to me. Pinchwife Great kindness to you indeed! Insensible fop, let a man make love to his wife to his face! Aside. Sparkish Come, dear Frank, for all my wife there, that shall be, thou shalt enjoy me sometimes, dear rogue. By my honour, we men of wit condole for our deceased brother in marriage, as much as for one dead in earnest: I think that was prettily said of me, ha, Harcourt?⁠—But come, Frank, be not melancholy for me. Harcourt No, I assure you, I am not melancholy for you. Sparkish Prithee, Frank, dost think my wife that shall be there, a fine person? Harcourt I could gaze upon her till I became as blind as you are. Sparkish How as I am? how? Harcourt Because you are a lover, and true lovers are blind, stock blind. Sparkish True, true; but by the world she has wit too, as well as beauty: go, go with her into a corner, and try if she has wit; talk to her anything, she’s bashful before me. Harcourt Indeed if a woman wants wit in a corner, she has it nowhere. Alithea Sir, you dispose of me a little before your time⁠—Aside to Sparkish. Sparkish Nay, nay, madam, let me have an earnest of your obedience, or⁠—go, go, madam⁠—Harcourt courts Alithea aside. Pinchwife How, sir! if you are not concerned for the honour of a wife, I am for that of a sister; he shall not debauch her. Be a pander to your own wife! bring men to her! let ’em make love before your face! thrust ’em into a corner together, then leave ’em in private! is this your town wit and conduct? Sparkish Ha! ha! ha! a silly wise rogue would make one laugh more than a stark fool, ha! ha! I shall burst. Nay, you shall not disturb ’em; I’ll vex thee, by the world. Struggles with Pinchwife to keep him from Harcourt and Alithea. Alithea The writings are drawn, sir, settlements made; ’tis too late, sir, and past all revocation. Harcourt Then so is my death. Alithea I would not be unjust to him. Harcourt Then why to me so? Alithea I have no obligation to you. Harcourt My love. Alithea I had his before. Harcourt You never had it; he wants, you see, jealousy, the only infallible sign of it. Alithea Love proceeds from esteem; he cannot distrust my virtue: besides, he loves me, or he would not marry me. Harcourt Marrying you is no more sign of his love than bribing your woman, that he may marry you, is a sign of his generosity. Marriage is rather a sign of interest than love; and he that marries a fortune covets a mistress, not loves her. But if you take marriage for a sign of love, take it from me immediately. Alithea No, now you have put a scruple in my head; but in short, sir, to end our dispute, I must marry him, my reputation would suffer in the world else. Harcourt No; if you do marry him, with your pardon, madam, your reputation suffers in the world, and you would be thought in necessity for a cloak. Alithea Nay, now you are rude, sir.⁠—Mr. Sparkish, pray come hither, your friend here is very troublesome, and very loving. Harcourt Hold! hold!⁠—Aside to Alithea. Pinchwife D’ye hear that? Sparkish Why, d’ye think I’ll seem to be jealous, like a country bumpkin? Pinchwife No, rather be a cuckold, like a credulous cit. Harcourt Madam, you would not have been so little generous as to have told him. Alithea Yes, since you could be so little generous as to wrong him. Harcourt Wrong him! no man can do’t, he’s beneath an injury: a bubble, a coward, a senseless idiot, a wretch so contemptible to all the world but you, that⁠— Alithea Hold, do not rail at him, for since he is like to be my husband, I am resolved to like him: nay, I think I am obliged to tell him you are not his friend.⁠—Master Sparkish, Master Sparkish! Sparkish What, what?⁠—To Harcourt. Now, dear rogue, has not she wit? Harcourt Not so much as I thought, and hoped she had. Speaks surlily. Alithea Mr. Sparkish, do you bring people to rail at you? Harcourt Madam⁠— Sparkish How! no; but if he does rail at me, ’tis but in jest, I warrant: what we wits do for one another, and never take any notice of it. Alithea He spoke so scurrilously of you, I had no patience to hear him; besides, he has been making love to me. Harcourt True, damned telltale woman! Aside. Sparkish Pshaw! to show