Henry IV, Part II

a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say “What’s this?” How do you now? Doll Better than I was: hem! Hostess Why, that’s well said; a good heart’s worth gold. Lo, here comes Sir John. Enter Falstaff. Falstaff Singing. “When Arthur first in court,”⁠—Empty the jordan. Exit First Drawer.⁠—Singing. “And was a worthy king.” How now, Mistress Doll! Hostess Sick of a calm; yea, good faith. Falstaff So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick. Doll You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me? Falstaff You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll. Doll I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not. Falstaff If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue grant that. Doll Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels. Falstaff “Your broaches, pearls, and ouches:” for to serve bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers bravely⁠— Doll Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself! Hostess By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet but you fall to some discord: you are both, i’ good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another’s confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be you: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel. Doll Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there’s a whole merchant’s venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come, I’ll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares. Re-enter First Drawer. First Drawer Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below, and would speak with you. Doll Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come hither: it is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England. Hostess If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my faith; I must live among my neighbours; I’ll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers here: I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you. Falstaff Dost thou hear, hostess? Hostess Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no swaggerers here. Falstaff Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient. Hostess Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne’er tell me: your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the debuty, t’other day; and, as he said to me, ’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, “I’ good faith, neighbour Quickly,” says he; Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then; “neighbour Quickly,” says he, “receive those that are civil; for,” said he, “you are in an ill name:” now a’ said so, I can tell whereupon; “for,” says he, “you are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed what guests you receive: receive,” says he, “no swaggering companions.” There comes none here: you would bless you to hear what he said: no, I’ll no swaggerers. Falstaff He’s no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i’ faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound: he’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call him up, drawer. Exit First Drawer. Hostess Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater: but I do not love swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse, when one says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you. Doll So you do, hostess. Hostess Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers. Enter Pistol, Bardolph, and Page. Pistol God save you, Sir John! Falstaff Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess. Pistol I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets. Falstaff She is Pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her. Hostess Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I’ll drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s pleasure, I. Pistol Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you. Doll Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master. Pistol I know you, Mistress Dorothy. Doll Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! by this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? much! Pistol God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this. Falstaff No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here: discharge yourself of our company, Pistol. Hostess No, Good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain. Doll Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God’s light, these villains will make the word as odious as the word “occupy;” which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to’t. Bardolph Pray thee, go down, good ancient. Falstaff Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll. Pistol Not I: I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her: I’ll be revenged of her. Page Pray thee, go down. Pistol I’ll see her damned first; to Pluto’s damned lake, by this hand, to the infernal deep,