’Tis plain you cannot now do worse
Than take this out-of-fashion’d course,
To hope, by stratagem, to woo her,
Or waging battle to subdue her:
Though some have done it in romances
And bang’d them into amorous fancies;
As those who won the Amazons,
By wanton drubbing of their bones;
And stout Rinaldo gain’d his bride,206
By courting of her back and side.
But since those times and feats are over,
They are not for a modern lover,
When mistresses are too cross-grain’d
By such addresses to be gain’d;
And if they were, would have it out
With many another kind of bout.
Therefore I hold no course s’ infeasible,
As this of force, to win the Jezebel;
To storm her heart, by th’ antic charms
Of ladies errant, force of arms:
But rather strive by law to win her,
And try the title you have in her.
Your case is clear; you have her word,
And me to witness the accord;
Besides two more of her retinue
To testify what pass’d between you;
More probable, and like to hold,
Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold;
For which so many that renounc’d
Their plighted contracts have been trounc’d;
And bills upon record been found,
That forc’d the ladies to compound;
And that, unless I miss the matter,
Is all the bus’ness you look after.
Besides, encounters at the bar
Are braver now than those in war,
In which the law does execution
With less disorder and confusion;
Has more of honour in ’t, some hold,
Not like the new way, but the old,
When those the pen had drawn together,
Decided quarrels with the feather,
And winged arrows kill’d as dead,
And more than bullets now of lead.
So all their combats now, as then,
Are manag’d chiefly by the pen;
That does the feat with braver vigours,
In words at length, as well as figures;
Is judge of all the world performs
In voluntary feats of arms;
And whatsoe’er ’s achiev’d in fight,
Determines which is wrong or right;
For whether you prevail, or lose,
All must be try’d there in the close;
And therefore ’tis not wise to shun
What you must trust to ere y’ have done.
The law, that settles all you do,
And marries where you did but woo;
That makes the most perfidious lover
A lady, that’s as false, recover;
And if it judge upon your side,
Will soon extend her for your bride;
And put her person, goods, or lands,
Or which you like best, int’ your hands.
For law’s the wisdom of all ages,
And manag’d by the ablest sages;
Who, though their bus’ness at the bar
Be but a kind of civil war,
In which th’ engage with fiercer dudgeons
Than e’er the Grecians did and Trojans,
They never manage the contest
T’ impair their public interest;
Or by their controversies lessen
The dignity of their profession:
Not like us brethren, who divide
Our commonwealth, the cause, and side;
And though w’ are all as near of kindred
As th’ outward man is to the inward,
We agree in nothing but to wrangle
About the slightest fingle-fangle;
While lawyers have more sober sense
Than t’ argue at their own expense,
But make their best advantages
Of others’ quarrels, like the Swiss;
And out of foreign controversies,
By aiding both sides fill their purses;
But have no int’rest in the cause
For which th’ engage, and wage the laws;
Nor further prospect than their pay,
Whether they lose or win the day:
And though they abounded in all ages,
With sundry learned clerks and sages,
Though all their business be dispute,
Which way they canvass ev’ry suit,
Th’ have no disputes about their art,
Nor in polemics controvert;
While all professions else are found
With nothing but disputes t’ abound;
Divines of all sorts, and physicians,
Philosophers, mathematicians,
The Galenist and Paracelsian,
Condemn the way each other deals in;
Anatomists dissect and mangle,
To cut themselves out work to wrangle;
Astrologers dispute their dreams,
That in their sleeps they talk of schemes;
And heralds stickle who got who,
So many hundred years ago.
But lawyers are too wise a nation
T’ expose their trade to disputation,
Or make the busy rabble judges
Of all their secret piques and grudges;
In which whoever wins the day,
The whole profession ’s sure to pay.
Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats,
Dare undertake to do their feats;
When in all other sciences
They swarm, like insects, and increase.
For what bigot durst ever draw,
By inward light, a deed in law?
Or could hold forth, by revelation,
An answer to a declaration?
For those that meddle with their tools
Will cut their fingers, if they’re fools:
And if you follow their advice,
In bills, and answers, and replies,
They’ll write a love-letter in chancery,
Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye,
And soon reduce her to b’ your wife,
Or make her weary of her life.
The Knight, who us’d with tricks and shifts
To edify by Ralpho’s gifts,
But in appearance cry’d him down,
To make them better seem his own
(All plagiaries’ constant course
Of sinking when they take a purse)
Resolv’d to follow his advice,
But kept it from him by disguise;
And, after stubborn contradiction,
To counterfeit his own conviction,
And by transition fall upon
The resolution as his own.
Quoth he, This gambol thou advisest
Is of all others the unwisest;
For if I think by law to gain her,
There’s nothing sillier or vainer.
’Tis but to hazard my pretence,
Where nothing’s certain, but th’ expense;
To act against myself, and traverse
My suit and title, to her favours;
And if she should (which Heav’n forbid)
O’erthrow me, as the fiddler did,
What after-course have I to take,
’Gainst losing all I have at stake?
He that with injury is griev’d,
And goes to law to be reliev’d,
Is sillier than a sottish chouse,
Who, when thief has robb’d his house,
Applies himself to cunning men,
To help him to his goods agen;
When all he can expect to gain
Is but to squander more in vain;
And yet I have no other way
But is as difficult to play:
For to reduce her by main force
Is now in vain: by fair means, worse;
But worst of all to give her over,
Till she’s as desp’rate to recover:
For bad games are thrown up too soon,
Until th’ are never to be won.
But since I have no other course
But is as bad t’ attempt, or worse,
He that complies against his will,
Is of his own opinion still;
Which he may adhere to, yet disown,
For reasons to himself best known:
But ’tis not to b’ avoided now,
For Sidrophel resolves to sue;
Whom I must answer, or begin
Inevitably first with him;
For I’ve receiv’d advertisement,
By times enough, of his intent;
And knowing he that first complains
Th’ advantage of the business gains;
For courts of justice understand
The plaintiff to be eldest
