An Ideal Husband

hope an operation will not be necessary. Lord Caversham Smiling at her pertness. If it is, we shall have to give Lady Caversham a narcotic. Otherwise she would never consent to have a feather touched. Lord Goring With increased emphasis. Good morning, Miss Mabel! Mabel Chiltern Turning round with feigned surprise. Oh, are you here? Of course you understand that after your breaking your appointment I am never going to speak to you again. Lord Goring Oh, please don’t say such a thing. You are the one person in London I really like to have to listen to me. Mabel Chiltern Lord Goring, I never believe a single word that either you or I say to each other. Lord Caversham You are quite right, my dear, quite right⁠ ⁠… as far as he is concerned, I mean. Mabel Chiltern Do you think you could possibly make your son behave a little better occasionally? Just as a change. Lord Caversham I regret to say, Miss Chiltern, that I have no influence at all over my son. I wish I had. If I had, I know what I would make him do. Mabel Chiltern I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak natures that are not susceptible to influence. Lord Caversham He is very heartless, very heartless. Lord Goring It seems to me that I am a little in the way here. Mabel Chiltern It is very good for you to be in the way, and to know what people say of you behind your back. Lord Goring I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited. Lord Caversham After that, my dear, I really must bid you good morning. Mabel Chiltern Oh! I hope you are not going to leave me all alone with Lord Goring? Especially at such an early hour in the day. Lord Caversham I am afraid I can’t take him with me to Downing Street. It is not the Prime Minster’s day for seeing the unemployed. Shakes hands with Mabel Chiltern, takes up his hat and stick, and goes out, with a parting glare of indignation at Lord Goring. Mabel Chiltern Takes up roses and begins to arrange them in a bowl on the table. People who don’t keep their appointments in the Park are horrid. Lord Goring Detestable. Mabel Chiltern I am glad you admit it. But I wish you wouldn’t look so pleased about it. Lord Goring I can’t help it. I always look pleased when I am with you. Mabel Chiltern Sadly. Then I suppose it is my duty to remain with you? Lord Goring Of course it is. Mabel Chiltern Well, my duty is a thing I never do, on principle. It always depresses me. So I am afraid I must leave you. Lord Goring Please don’t, Miss Mabel. I have something very particular to say to you. Mabel Chiltern Rapturously. Oh! is it a proposal? Lord Goring Somewhat taken aback. Well, yes, it is⁠—I am bound to say it is. Mabel Chiltern With a sigh of pleasure. I am so glad. That makes the second today. Lord Goring Indignantly. The second today? What conceited ass has been impertinent enough to dare to propose to you before I had proposed to you? Mabel Chiltern Tommy Trafford, of course. It is one of Tommy’s days for proposing. He always proposes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, during the Season. Lord Goring You didn’t accept him, I hope? Mabel Chiltern I make it a rule never to accept Tommy. That is why he goes on proposing. Of course, as you didn’t turn up this morning, I very nearly said yes. It would have been an excellent lesson both for him and for you if I had. It would have taught you both better manners. Lord Goring Oh! bother Tommy Trafford. Tommy is a silly little ass. I love you. Mabel Chiltern I know. And I think you might have mentioned it before. I am sure I have given you heaps of opportunities. Lord Goring Mabel, do be serious. Please be serious. Mabel Chiltern Ah! that is the sort of thing a man always says to a girl before he has been married to her. He never says it afterwards. Lord Goring Taking hold of her hand. Mabel, I have told you that I love you. Can’t you love me a little in return? Mabel Chiltern You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about⁠ ⁠… anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Everyone in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I adore you. I have been going about for the last six months telling the whole of society that I adore you. I wonder you consent to have anything to say to me. I have no character left at all. At least, I feel so happy that I am quite sure I have no character left at all. Lord Goring Catches her in his arms and kisses her. Then there is a pause of bliss. Dear! Do you know I was awfully afraid of being refused! Mabel Chiltern Looking up at him. But you never have been refused yet by anybody, have you, Arthur? I can’t imagine anyone refusing you. Lord Goring After kissing her again. Of course I’m not nearly good enough for you, Mabel. Mabel Chiltern Nestling close to him. I am so glad, darling. I was afraid you were. Lord Goring After some hesitation. And I’m⁠ ⁠… I’m a little over thirty. Mabel Chiltern Dear, you look weeks younger than that. Lord Goring Enthusiastically. How sweet of you to say so!⁠ ⁠… And it is only fair to tell you frankly that I am fearfully extravagant. Mabel Chiltern But so am I, Arthur. So we’re sure to agree. And now I must go and see Gertrude. Lord Goring Must you really? Kisses her. Mabel Chiltern Yes. Lord Goring Then do tell her I want to talk to her particularly. I have been waiting here all the morning to see either her or Robert. Mabel Chiltern Do you mean to say you didn’t come here expressly