And now—that chain rubbed a sore, curse it!—all that racket’s over. It’s more than hard to die in this settled, infernal, fixed sort of way, like a bullock in the killing-yard, all ready to be “pithed.” I used to pity them when I was a boy, walking round the yard, pushing their noses through the rails, trying for a likely place to jump, stamping and pawing and roaring and knocking their heads against the heavy close rails, with misery and rage in their eyes, till their time was up. Nobody told them beforehand, though!
Have I and the likes of me ever felt much the same, I wonder, shut up in a pen like this, with the rails up, and not a place a rat could creep through, waiting till our killing time was come? The poor devils of steers have never done anything but ramble off the run now and again, while we—but it’s too late to think of that. It is hard. There’s no saying it isn’t; no, nor thinking what a fool, what a blind, stupid, thundering idiot a fellow’s been, to laugh at the steady working life that would have helped him up, bit by bit, to a good farm, a good wife, and innocent little kids about him, like that chap, George Storefield, that came to see me last week. He was real rightdown sorry for me, I could tell, though Jim and I used to laugh at him, and call him a regular old crawler of a milker’s calf in the old days. The tears came into his eyes reg’lar like a woman as he gave my hand a squeeze and turned his head away. We was little chaps together, you know. A man always feels that, you know. And old George, he’ll go back—a fifty-mile ride, but what’s that on a good horse? He’ll be late home, but he can cross the rock ford the short way over the creek. I can see him turn his horse loose at the garden-gate, and walk through the quinces that lead up to the cottage, with his saddle on his arm. Can’t I see it all, as plain as if I was there?
And his wife and the young ’uns’ll run out when they hear father’s horse, and want to hear all the news. When he goes in there’s his meal tidy and decent waiting for him, while he tells them about the poor chap he’s been to see as is to be scragged next month. Ha! ha! what a rum joke it is, isn’t it?
And then he’ll go out in the verandah, with the roses growin’ all over the posts and smellin’ sweet in the cool night air. After that he’ll have his smoke, and sit there thinkin’ about me, perhaps, and old days, and whatnot, till all hours—till his wife comes and fetches him in. And here I lie—my God! why didn’t they knock me on the head when I was born, like a lamb in a dry season, or a blind puppy—blind enough, God knows! They do so in some countries, if the books say true, and what a hell of misery that must save some people from!
Well, it’s done now, and there’s no get away. I may as well make the best of it. A sergeant of police was shot in our last scrimmage, and they must fit someone over that. It’s only natural. He was rash, or Starlight would never have dropped him that day. Not if he’d been sober either. We’d been drinking all night at that Willow Tree shanty. Bad grog, too! When a man’s half drunk he’s fit for any devilment that comes before him. Drink! How do you think a chap that’s taken to the bush—regularly turned out, I mean, with a price on his head, and a fire burning in his heart night and day—can stand his life if he don’t drink? When he thinks of what he might have been, and what he is! Why, nearly every man he meets is paid to run him down, or trap him some way like a stray dog that’s taken to sheep-killin’. He knows a score of men, and women too, that are only looking out for a chance to sell his blood on the quiet and pouch the money. Do you think that makes a chap mad and miserable, and tired of his life, or not? And if a drop of grog will take him right out of his wretched self for a bit why shouldn’t he drink? People don’t know what they are talking about. Why, he is that miserable that he wonders why he don’t hang himself, and save the Government all the trouble; and if a few nobblers make him feel as if he might have some good chances yet, and that it doesn’t so much matter after all, why shouldn’t he drink?
He does drink, of course; every miserable man, and a good many women as have something to fear or repent of, drink. The worst of it is that too much of it brings on the “horrors,” and then the devil, instead of giving you a jog now and then, sends one of his imps to grin in your face and pull your heartstrings all day and all night long. By George, I’m getting clever—too clever, altogether, I think. If I could forget for one moment, in the middle of all the nonsense, that I was to die on Thursday three weeks! die on Thursday
