The Comedy of Errors

epub:type="label">Scene I

Before the house of Antipholus of Ephesus.

	Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, Dromio of Ephesus, Angelo, and Balthazar.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all; My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours: Say that I linger’d with you at your shop To see the making of her carcanet And that tomorrow you will bring it home. But here’s a villain that would face me down He met me on the mart and that I beat him And charged him with a thousand marks in gold And that I did deny my wife and house. Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
Dromio of Ephesus	Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know; That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show: If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave were ink, Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
Antipholus of Ephesus	I think thou art an ass.
Dromio of Ephesus	Marry, so it doth appear By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear. I should kick, being kick’d; and, being at that pass, You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.
Antipholus of Ephesus	You’re sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer May answer my good will and your good welcome here.
Balthazar	I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
Antipholus of Ephesus	O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish, A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
Balthazar	Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
Antipholus of Ephesus	And welcome more common; for that’s nothing but words.
Balthazar	Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Ay to a niggardly host and more sparing guest: But though my cates be mean, take them in good part; Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart. But soft! my door is lock’d. Go bid them let us in.
Dromio of Ephesus	Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch! Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch. Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store, When one is one too many? Go get thee from the door.
Dromio of Ephesus	What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Who talks within there? ho, open the door!
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. Right, sir; I’ll tell you when, and you’ll tell me wherefore.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined today.
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. Nor today here you must not; come again when you may.
Antipholus of Ephesus	What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
Dromio of Ephesus	O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name. The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame. If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place, Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy name for an ass.
Luce	Within. What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those at the gate?
Dromio of Ephesus	Let my master in, Luce.
Luce	Within. Faith, no; he comes too late; And so tell your master.
Dromio of Ephesus	O Lord, I must laugh! Have at you with a proverb⁠—Shall I set in my staff?
Luce	Within. Have at you with another; that’s⁠—When? can you tell?
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. If thy name be call’d Luce⁠—Luce, thou hast answer’d him well.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Do you hear, you minion? you’ll let us in, I hope?
Luce	Within. I thought to have ask’d you.
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. And you said no.
Dromio of Ephesus	So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Thou baggage, let me in.
Luce	Within. Can you tell for whose sake?
Dromio of Ephesus	Master, knock the door hard.
Luce	Within. Let him knock till it ache.
Antipholus of Ephesus	You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
Luce	Within. What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
Adriana	Within. Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Are you there, wife? you might have come before.
Adriana	Within. Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.
Dromio of Ephesus	If you went in pain, master, this “knave” would go sore.
Angelo	Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have either.
Balthazar	In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
Dromio of Ephesus	They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
Antipholus of Ephesus	There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
Dromio of Ephesus	You would say so, master, if your garments were thin. Your cake there is warm within; you stand here in the cold: It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Go, fetch me something: I’ll break ope the gate.
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.
Dromio of Ephesus	A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind, Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. It seems thou want’st breaking: out upon thee, hind!
Dromio of Ephesus	Here’s too much “out upon thee!” I pray thee, let me in.
Dromio of Syracuse	Within. Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Well, I’ll break in: go borrow me a crow.
Dromio of Ephesus	A crow without feather? Master, mean you so? For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather: If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.
Antipholus of Ephesus	Go, get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.
Balthazar	Have