Our American Cousin

Puffy and his gal. Sir Edward Trenchard Mr. Vernon, take her, she’s yours, though Heaven knows what I shall do without her. Mrs. Mountchessington Rising. Ah, Sir Edward, that is just my case; but you’ll never know what it is to be a mother. Comes down, L. C. Georgina, Augusta, my dears, come here. They come down each side of her. You’ll sometimes think of your poor mamma, bless you. Aside to them. Oh, you couple of fools. Bumps their foreheads. Lord Dundreary has business with Georgina, then leads her to a seat, L. Capt. De Boots To Lord Dundreary. Why, Fred, we’re all getting married! Lord Dundreary Yes, it’s catching, like the cholera. Mr. Binny I ’ope, Sir Edward, there’s no objections to my leading Miss Sharpe to the hymenial halter. Sir Edward Trenchard Certainly not, Mr. Binny. Mr. Buddicombe To Lord Dundreary. And Skillet and I have made so bold, My lord⁠— Lord Dundreary Yes, you generally do make bold⁠—but bless you, my children⁠—bless you. Asa Trenchard Say, you, lord, buttons, I say, whiskers. Lord Dundreary Illustrious exile? Comes down. Asa Trenchard They’re a nice color, ain’t they? Lord Dundreary Yes, they’re all wight now. Asa Trenchard All wight? no, they’re all black. Lord Dundreary When I say wight I mean black. Asa Trenchard Say, shall I tell that sick gal about that hair dye? Lord Dundreary No, you needn’t tell that sick gal about that hair dye! Asa Trenchard Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to. Lord Dundreary Aside. That man is a damned rattlesnake. Goes up, sits in Georgina’s lap⁠—turns to apologize, sits in Augusta’s lap⁠—same business with Mrs. Mountchessington, then goes back to Georgina. Asa Trenchard Miss Georgina. She comes down. How’s your appetite? Shall I tell that lord about the beefsteak and onions I saw you pitching into? Georgina Please don’t, Mr. Trenchard, I’m so delicate. Asa Trenchard Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to. Georgina Oh, thank you. Backs upstage and sits in Lord Dundreary’s lap, who has taken her seat. Asa Trenchard Miss Gusty. Augusta comes down. Got your boots, hain’t you? Augusta Yes, Mr. Trenchard. Asa Trenchard How do they fit you? Say, shall I tell that fellow you were after me first? Augusta Extravagantly. Not for the world, Mr. Trenchard. Asa Trenchard Mimicing. Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to. Asa Trenchard To Mrs. Mountchessington. Mrs. Mountchestnut. Lord Dundreary Coming down. Sir, I haven’t a chestnut to offer you, but if you’d like some of your native food, I’ll order you a doughnut? Asa Trenchard I dough not see it. Lord Dundreary Laughs. That’s good. Asa Trenchard Yes, very good. Lord Dundreary For you. Asa Trenchard Oh, you get out, I mean the old lady. Lord Dundreary Mrs. Mountchessington, this illustrious exile wishes to see you. Mrs. Mountchessington comes down. Asa Trenchard Wal, old woman? Mrs. Mountchessington Old woman, sir? Asa Trenchard Got two of them gals off your hands, haven’t you? Mrs. Mountchessington I’m proud to say, I have. Asa Trenchard Shall I tell them fellows you tried to stick them on me first? Mrs. Mountchessington You’ll please not mention the subject. Asa Trenchard Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to. Backs up;⁠—curtseying;⁠—knocks back against Lord Dundreary, who is stooping to pick up a handkerchief. They turn and bunk foreheads. Say, Mr. Puffy. Mr. Binny comes down. Shall I tell Sir Edward about your getting drunk in the wine cellar? Mr. Binny You need not⁠—not if you don’t like unto. Asa Trenchard Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to. Mr. Binny Remember the hold hadage. “A still tongue shows a wise ’ead.” Asa Trenchard X Q’s me. Mr. Binny O, I, C. Goes up. Florence Trenchard Comes down, L. Well cousin, what have you to say to us? Mary comes down R. of Asa Trenchard. Asa Trenchard Wal, I ain’t got no ring, to put in your noses, but I’s got one to put on your finger. To Mary. And I guess the sailor man has one to put on yours, and I guess you two are as happy as clams at high water. Florence Trenchard I am sure you must be very happy. Asa Trenchard Wal, I am not so sure about my happiness. Florence Trenchard Why, you ungrateful fellow. What do want to complete it? Asa Trenchard To Audience. My happiness depends on you. Florence Trenchard And I am sure you will not regret your kindness shown to Our American Cousin. But don’t go yet, pray⁠—for Lord Dundreary has a word to say. Calls Lord Dundreary. Lord Dundreary Sneezes. That’s the idea.

Curtain.

Colophon

Our American Cousin
was published in 1869 by
Tom Taylor.

This ebook was produced for
Standard Ebooks
by
B. Timothy Keith,
and is based on a transcription produced in 2002 by
The Levin family and David Widger
for
Project Gutenberg
and on digital scans available at the
Internet Archive.

The cover page is adapted from
Self-Portrait with Flowered Wallpaper,
a painting completed between 1848⁠–⁠1850 by
Richard Caton Woodville.
The cover and title pages feature the
League Spartan and Sorts Mill Goudy
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