The laughter died. I went miserably home, spent half the remainder of the night in morose contemplation, smoked nearly two packs of cigarettes, and didn’t get to the office at all the next day.
Tips Alva got back to town for a weekend broadcast, but I didn’t even bother to see her, just phoned her and told her I was sick. I guess my face lent credibility to the story, for she was duly sympathetic, and her face in the phone screen was quite anxious. Even at that, I couldn’t keep my eyes away from her lips because, except for a bit too lustrous makeup, they were the lips of the ideal. But they weren’t enough; they just weren’t enough.
Old N. J. began to worry again. I couldn’t sleep late of mornings any more, and after missing that one day, I kept getting down earlier and earlier until one morning I was only ten minutes late. He called me in at once.
“Look here, Dixon,” he said. “Have you been to a doctor recently?”
“I’m not sick,” I said listlessly.
“Then for Heaven’s sake, marry the girl! I don’t care what chorus she kicks in, marry her and act like a human being again.”
“I—can’t.”
“Oh. She’s already married, eh?”
Well, I couldn’t tell him she didn’t exist. I couldn’t say I was in love with a vision, a dream, an ideal. He thought I was a little crazy, anyway, so I just muttered “Yeah,” and didn’t argue when he said gruffly: “Then you’ll get over it. Take a vacation. Take two vacations. You might as well for all the good you are around here.”
I didn’t leave New York; I lacked the energy. I just mooned around the city for a while, avoiding my friends, and dreaming of the impossible beauty of the face in the mirror. And by and by the longing to see that vision of perfection once more began to become overpowering. I don’t suppose anyone except me can understand the lure of that memory; the face, you see, had been my ideal, my concept of perfection. One sees beautiful women here and there in the world; one falls in love, but always, no matter how great their beauty or how deep one’s love, they fall short in some degree of the secret vision of the ideal. But not the mirrored face; she was my ideal, and therefore, whatever imperfections she might have had in the minds of others, in my eyes she had none. None, that is, save the terrible one of being only an ideal, and therefore unattainable—but that is a fault inherent in all perfection.
It was a matter of days before I yielded. Common sense told me it was futile, even foolhardy, to gaze again on the vision of perfect desirability. I fought against the hunger, but I fought hopelessly, and was not at all surprised to find myself one evening rapping on van Manderpootz’s door in the University Club. He wasn’t there; I’d been hoping he wouldn’t be, since it gave me an excuse to seek him in his laboratory in the Physics Building, to which I would have dragged him anyway.
There I found him, writing some sort of notations on the table that held the idealizator. “Hello, Dixon,” he said. “Did it ever occur to you that the ideal university cannot exist? Naturally not since it must be composed of perfect students and perfect educators, in which case the former could have nothing to learn and the latter, therefore, nothing to teach.”
What interest had I in the perfect university and its inability to exist? My whole being was desolate over the nonexistence of another ideal. “Professor,” I said tensely, “may I use that—that thing of yours again? I want to—uh—see something.”
My voice must have disclosed the situation, for van Manderpootz looked up sharply. “So!” he snapped. “So you disregarded my advice! Forget her, I said. Forget her because she doesn’t exist.”
“But—I can’t! Once more, Professor—only once more!”
He shrugged, but his blue, metallic eyes were a little softer than usual. After all, for some inconceivable reason, he likes me. “Well, Dixon,” he said, “you’re of age and supposed to be of mature intelligence. I tell you that this is a very stupid request, and van Manderpootz always knows what he’s talking about. If you want to stupefy yourself with the opium of impossible dreams, go ahead. This is the last chance you’ll have, for tomorrow the idealizator of van Manderpootz goes into the Bacon head of Isaak there. I shall shift the oscillators so that the psychons, instead of becoming light quanta, emerge as an electron flow—a current which will actuate Isaak’s vocal apparatus and come out as speech.” He paused musingly. “Van Manderpootz will hear the voice of the ideal. Of course Isaak can return only what psychons he receives from the brain of the operator, but just as the image in the mirror, the thoughts will have lost their human impress, and the words will be those of an ideal.” He perceived that I wasn’t listening, I suppose. “Go ahead, imbecile!” he grunted.
I did. The glory that I hungered after flamed slowly into being, incredible in loveliness, and somehow, unbelievably, even more beautiful than on that other occasion. I know why now; long afterwards, van Manderpootz explained that the very fact that I had seen an ideal once before had altered my ideal, raised it to a higher level. With that face among my memories, my concept of perfection was different than it had been.
So I gazed and hungered. Readily and instantly the being in the mirror responded to my thoughts with smile and movement. When I thought of love, her eyes blazed with such tenderness that it seemed as if—I—I, Dixon Wells—were part of those pairs who had made the great romances of the world, Heloise and Abelard, Tristram and Isolde, Aucassin and Nicolette. It was like the thrust of a dagger to feel van Manderpootz shaking
