In any case, their desire to search the IT systems was more speculative than anything else. Caroline didn’t think for one minute they’d log on and find a stash of death threats or confession letters, but it would at least help them to build up a bigger picture and could potentially develop further leads. She was also keen to further explore the link between Martin and Monique, as well as the possibility that she hadn’t been his only victim.
With Martin dead, Sandra at home and half the staff already off on holiday, the decision had been made to return tomorrow, with officers in attendance to make sure they obtained an accurate backup of the company’s IT systems.
By the evening, Caroline’s head was pounding. She’d done well in her convalescence and had made excellent progress, but sitting around doing very little had sapped her energy levels, both mentally and physically. She could see now why it had been recommended she return on reduced duties, but there was no way she was going to admit that to anyone.
She sat on the sofa as Mark cooked dinner, the smells beginning to waft through the house, making her hungry. One of the worst parts of recovering at home had been the tension that’d developed between them. They’d done their best to keep it from Archie and Josh, but that hadn’t done them any favours in their own relationship. By the time the boys were in bed, Caroline was far too tired to get into any in-depth discussions.
Try as she might, she still couldn’t come to terms with the way the operation had made her feel. Although she and Mark hadn’t planned to have any more children, the fact that this decision had now been taken away from her was extraordinarily difficult to accept. Mark had predictably reminded her at every opportunity that they’d only ever wanted two children and had both agreed they wouldn’t have any more, and seemed incapable of understanding what the problem was. There were times when she wondered if she was being unreasonable, and if perhaps he was right. But she soon came to realise that feelings can’t be wrong. It was the lack of control over her own body and her own choices that hurt the most, and there would be no coming back from that. It was something she might get used to, and which would probably ease with time, but it would never be reversible or solvable.
The hormone tablets were supposed to make things easier, but all they’d done was make her feel more unbalanced. She knew it would take time to get used to her new body, and for balance to be achieved. But there were days — like today – when it felt like that was a long way off.
‘Right, grub’s up,’ Mark said, poking his head through the doorway into the living room. ‘You want a hand?’
Caroline sighed. ‘It’s fine. I’m not an invalid.’ She looked at him, immediately regretting her words. ‘I’m sorry. It’s been a long day, that’s all. Sorry. I know you’re only trying to help. But really, I can stand up on my own.’
She followed Mark through into the dining room and sat down. Although she’d felt hungry only moments earlier, now the sight of food make her feel sick. She smiled at Mark and forced a mouthful, chewing it over and over as she tried to summon up the courage to swallow the food.
‘You okay?’ he asked a minute or two later.
Caroline nodded. ‘Mmmhmm.’
‘Did I overcook it?’
‘No. It’s good.’
‘Only you’ve been chewing it for ages.’
Caroline swallowed. ‘It’s fine. Honestly.’ She looked back down at her plate. Another mouthful seemed far more daunting than it had any right to. There was no way she could eat even a fraction of what was on her plate.
‘You don’t have to eat it, you know. I won’t be offended.’
‘The food’s fine, Mark. There’s nothing wrong with the food.’
Mark nodded. ‘Okay. Not hungry?’
‘No, I am. I was. I just…’
‘Don’t worry about it.’
‘Well I am worried about it, because now you’re upset with me.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You are. You only say you’re not when you are.’
‘What the hell? That makes no sense at all.’
She looked back at the plate of food. ‘And now you’re angry.’
‘I’m confused, Caz. I don’t have a clue what’s going on. Have I done something?’
She tensed her jaw. ‘No, Mark. Not everything stems from you.’
Mark threw his fork down on the plate. ‘Well there’s no need for that. I’m only trying to help you. Support you. But whatever I do, I seem to get it in the neck.’
She got the impression that nothing she could say now would make things better. The situation had got too tense, too confused, and even trying to smooth things over would only cause more aggravation.
‘It’s probably just the tablets,’ she said. ‘It’s been a long day. I think I’m just going to go to bed.’
Without waiting for a response, Caroline pushed her chair back, stood up and headed for the stairs.
14
Caroline arrived at the hospital the next morning feeling apprehensive. If she was honest with herself and managed to cut through the internal panic, she felt as though she’d beaten the cancer. In many ways, she felt better than she had in
