She looked different. Her soul seemed heavier. Burdened. It wasn’t the same kindly soul he’d known for all those years, loved for all those years. He could see what this had done to her, and it ate him up inside.
He hadn’t wanted it to work out like this. Of course he hadn’t. She was never meant to be a suspect. He’d allowed everything to get too close to home. And now he’d had to take risks in order to protect her. He knew what that meant. He knew the consequences.
He’d have to tread carefully — far more carefully than he had until now. It might not be long before they’d worked out it wasn’t Amie who’d killed Martin. Not long before they worked out it had been him. He didn’t know what he’d do at that point. He hadn’t thought it through that carefully. But he knew he needed to. He had to have a plan. An escape route.
Everything he’d ever done had been for her. Seeing her happy, angry, upset — it had all given him ultimate clarity on what he’d needed to do at every stage. Seeing her face, how things affected her, always led him towards the right decision. And he knew that would be the case now, too.
She flicked her hair from her face, almost nonchalantly. Anyone else watching would see a woman casually waiting for a lift. But he saw so much more. He knew her better than anybody. He knew her ways, her mannerisms. He knew when they had added weight.
He didn’t want her to feel like this. If only he could take her pain away… Still, he had a feeling things were going to turn out just fine in the end. After all, the new cogs were starting to turn.
29
Caroline had been keen to make amends. She knew it wasn’t Mark’s fault. He was trying to do his best in difficult circumstances, but it wasn’t as if things were much easier for her.
At times she felt smothered, as if she didn’t have the mental space to recover because he was always there. But there was no denying that in other senses they’d drifted. They hadn’t had sex for weeks. Months, perhaps. Immediately after the hysterectomy, it had been impossible. But she felt as if Mark now looked at her in a different way when it came to sex.
It had played into all her biggest fears: that she’d feel less of a woman, that he’d resent her for not being able to bear more children. She knew that chemotherapy and major surgery hadn’t done wonders for her appearance, but she hadn’t expected the taps to completely switch off when it came to physical attraction.
Regardless, she was determined to fix those issues. Whatever else life threw at her, she’d never once lost her determination. Not yet, anyway.
She’d spent over an hour getting ready, and had picked out a dress she hadn’t worn in a while, but which she knew Mark loved. He used to go crazy for her when she wore it, and she smiled at the memories as they came back.
After Archie and Josh were in bed, Mark went out to pick up a takeaway from Orbis in Oakham, and Caroline slipped into the dress. She knew it’d be a nice surprise for him when he got home. She went downstairs and picked out two bottles of red wine they’d had on the rack for some time. They’d been expensive, although she couldn’t remember how much. She opened one of the bottles and poured two glasses, before putting them on the dining table and turning the lights down a little.
A couple of minutes later, Caroline heard the car pull up on the drive, so she headed into the kitchen to wait for Mark.
‘That’s an old one,’ he said, gesturing at her dress as he walked in. ‘Haven’t seen that one for a while.’
‘Oh. I thought you liked it,’ Caroline replied.
Mark paused for a moment. ‘I do. You know I do.’
It sounded to her as if he’d said that to placate her rather than because he actually meant it. She watched as he put the carrier bag down on the table and started to take packages of food out. ‘Do you want a drink?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, can do.’
‘Wine?’
‘I’ll have a beer if there’s one in the fridge.’
‘I opened some wine. The nice one.’
Mark looked at her. ‘You mean the expensive one.’
‘If you like. Who cares? I thought we might be able to make a nice night of it. It’s been a while.’
Mark raised one corner of his mouth in a sympathetic smile. ‘I know. I’m sorry. It’s a good idea. I like it. I like the wine. It’s fine. I like the dress. Love the dress. Bloody love the dress.’
Caroline laughed. ‘Shut up and dish up.’
Once the food was finished and the dishes cleared away, Caroline sat down next to Mark on the sofa in the living room, a little closer than usual. More often than not they sat on completely different sofas, but tonight she’d pulled up close, draping one leg over his as she nestled her head into his shoulder.
There was nothing much on TV — a few comedy panel shows, but that didn’t matter. Winding down was the main thing.
She didn’t know when, but she must have dozed off for a bit, as she woke with a start when Mark switched off the TV and shuffled in his seat.
‘Alright?’ he asked.
‘Yeah. We heading up?’ she replied, sensing that he hadn’t even realised she’d fallen asleep.
Mark leaned in towards her. ‘Unless you were planning on doing it down here.’
She kissed
