Outside, the sky dips from bruised grey to a dark indigo as I clean and dance. Mark texts to say that he and the boys have gone back to Paula’s for supper. Decision made. I’m not being consulted, just kept up to date. But I was only planning a sandwich tea, it’s not like I can complain. When the floor is clean, and all the surfaces are gleaming, I put away the mops, cloths and bucket but – a regular Cinderella determined to go to the ball – I continue to dance. My stomach becomes clammy with sweat, my hair sticks to the back of my neck, and I am loving it! The pleasure, the freedom is absolute.
That’s why I am so angry with Mark and the boys for taking it away. The pleasure. The freedom.
I hear them. Their laughter. Loud and unruly. It is pitch black outside now and I have the light on in the kitchen, it is as though I am on a stage, performing but also exposed. Mark, Oli and Seb are stood at the glass patio door, laughing like hyenas. I wonder how long they have been watching. They pile into the house, still laughing. Carelessly ridiculing me.
‘Quite the performance,’ says Mark. He kisses me briefly, his cold lips bite against my blushing cheek. ‘I forgot my key, so we came around the back.’
‘God, Mum, you dance like Grandma,’ says Seb. I don’t. Their grandmother still does the twist – to her credit – I’m a little more 90s. Yes, stuck there, probably but it is not the twist, it’s a lot of jumping up and down and arm waving. Still, I understand the point Seb is making. Hurriedly, I pull my arms to my sides. If I could chop them right off, I would. I imagine reaching for the carving knife, clean and gleaming on the kitchen unit.
‘Wash your hands. Thoroughly. Sing “Happy Birthday” twice, like we’ve been told,’ I say. No one responds.
‘You are such a loser, Leigh,’ mutters Oli. Barging past me, he grabs an apple from the fruit bowl I’ve stocked, bites into it aggressively. He shakes his head. Not the way I did when dancing, not with joyful abandon, but with despair. Disgust. ‘Embarrassing.’
I turn to Mark and plead with my eyes for him to say something, I know he understands me, but he just shrugs. His eyes say, don’t bring me into this; it’s your battle. Sometimes being a wife and mother feels like death by a thousand cuts. I straighten my shoulders, force out a smile, albeit a small one – no one is going to think I am deliriously happy right now, but I don’t want to cause a scene. Or maybe I do, but Mark doesn’t. I am master over my own body. I choose what to reveal. I keep my face relaxed, my brow unfurrowed, my chin stays high. Unreadable. You are not meant to feel like an outsider in your own tribe. It’s unnatural.
‘Can we get a dog?’ Seb asks.
‘No,’ I snap. He’s been asking this question on and off for about six months. Normally I’m more serene and make an effort to let him down gently but I don’t have the patience, the energy. How would a dog fit in with my lifestyle?
Seb looks startled, his face is shadowed with a hint of worry. I instantly feel guilty. Twelve-year-olds shouldn’t worry about their parents. He’s an observant and kind kid. Funny and light-hearted himself, he wants the same brightness in everyone’s world. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks.
How do I tell him everything is wrong, except perhaps him? Although even loving him is complicated. There is no pleasure in my life that is absolute. I am entirely to blame for that fact.
‘Nothing, I’m just tired. Look, why don’t you go and have a shower? I’m going to call Fiona. I’ll come up and see you before you turn your lights off.’ He nods, dashes off obediently, willingly, wanting to believe I’m just tired.
I pour myself a healthy-sized glass of wine and tell Fiona about Oli’s loser comment. I try and fail to make it sound like I think it is no big deal. She knows me too well to be fooled. I’m glad, I don’t want her to ignore the situation, the way Mark does. I need her to sympathise, to affirm that it’s unfair, that I don’t deserve to be treated this way. There’s been a suggestion that Oli and Seb ought to see a grief therapist. Actually, the idea has been mooted more than once. I think Fiona was the first one to bring the idea to the table and she does so again tonight. She’s my best friend. I love her, she means well but her timing couldn’t be worse.
‘Why would the boys need therapists?’ I demand.
‘To process their grief.’
‘What grief?’
‘For their mother.’
‘I’m their mother,’ I assert hotly.
‘Their birth mother,’ she replies patiently.
‘She died years ago. They were practically babies. I’ve been their mother for nearly a decade.’
‘Yes, that’s my point, they were very young when they lost her. Too young to process it. Maybe they need help in doing so now.’
‘I’m their mother,’ I say again. ‘I don’t want some therapist poking about in their minds disturbing things.’
‘What’s the matter, Leigh? I know something is up with you.’ She doesn’t ask if it is Oli. Is it work? She leaves it open-ended and suddenly the question seems wild and dangerous. What if I told her? What if I confessed? The question opens up a wide chasm of longing. I wonder whether I’ll ever be able to close it down.
I can’t answer that question.
3
Leigh
Ten years ago
It’s a Saturday afternoon, and the sun is shining. Outside of London postcodes hot days are
