I turned around to face my uncle before my doctor could see the fresh tears in my eyes. “Okay.” With one last kiss on Uncle Victor’s cheek, I followed Anthony out of the room.
◆◆◆
I decided to leave a note for Charlie. It wouldn’t be enough for him but leaving nothing would make things worse. So, while Anthony made me a sandwich in our kitchenette, I sat at my desk and opened my notebook to a blank page. My pen stayed poised over the paper as I tried to think of what I wanted to say.
The only problem was he already knew I loved him, that I lived for him, that I wanted only his happiness and safety. He knew I was proud of him for asking the Smiths for help, for apologizing so spectacularly to Esmer, for accepting Vanessa. It would be redundant to say any of that now. What else did he need to know?
Narrowing it down to that one question helped a lot. The words came so quickly; my writing hand could hardly keep up with my brain. I tore the page out when I was done, folded it, and stuck it in my pocket.
I braided my hair, still wet from the shower, and sat at the table with Anthony. We talked about trivial things, homework and the next college courses I wanted to take and his plans for his next weekend with the boys, things that wouldn’t matter tomorrow. I ate his sandwich, thanked him for the food. When I felt that I’d put off the inevitable for as long as I could, I filled up my bucket of birdseed, slipped a small paring knife in among the grains, and told my doctor I was going to feed the birds.
“I’m just going to finish these dishes and take off,” he replied, “unless there’s anything else you need?”
“Anthony,” I said with a smile, “you aren’t my servant and I’m not a child. Go home. I’ll keep you posted on Charlie and Vanessa’s progress. It’ll be over soon.”
He smiled back. “Goodnight, Jazz.”
“Night.”
My last view of the man who’d cared for and taught me so patiently all these years was of his profile as he washed my dinner dishes. He was the whole package. Even if Georgina didn’t take him back, I knew he’d find someone else to grow old with. I tried to let that encourage me as I closed the elevator door between us.
◆◆◆
I almost changed my mind when I saw Ralph.
He was in the break room, waiting for his mystery dinner to finish warming up in the microwave. Today he wore a canary-yellow button down with gray stripes, a sleek leather belt, and jeans that were rolled up past his ankles. His socks were white with little black mustaches all over them. I’d planned to walk past everyone, but I couldn’t help myself. I stopped to stare longingly at those beautiful freckles and imagine a world where we ended up together.
I saw us going on our first date to some hipster coffee shop. We would sit at a table by the window so that I see the sky while he told me all about his family, friends, and hobbies. I’d ask to try on his glasses. He’d laugh at me but hand them over anyway. I saw us going to a movie, sitting in the dark theater, sharing popcorn. Maybe he’d try to put his arm around me or hold my hand.
I’d have to tell the captain about us as the relationship got more serious. Then we’d be able to hang out at the precinct without Ralph getting into trouble. I saw us meeting regularly on the roof, sharing lunches and stories about school. I’d tell him my secret and he’d react in a very sensible way. Of course he’d declare his unshakable love for me and we’d kiss passionately. Charlie wouldn’t like it at first, but he’d come around once he saw how happy Ralph made me.
Ralph would continue his internship here at the precinct until he got himself a paid position. I’d continue to take online classes until I found a lucrative virtual job.
Eventually, we’d move in together. Get married. There couldn’t be kids so long as I was cursed, but it would be a good life, I decided, one full of laughter, friendship, intimacy, and love. The kind of love everyone hoped for and sought after their entire lives, but rarely found.
I wanted that future so much.
My sniffling must’ve been loud enough for him to hear because he twisted around. Ralph smiled that big, easy grin when he realized it was me, but of course he grew concerned when he saw how close I was to tears. “What’s wrong?”
I practically ran to him, my free arm outstretched. He caught me without a word and held on tight. The microwave beeped behind him. Footsteps passed by the entryway of the break room. But we kept holding each other, like we’d been doing it forever, like we’d keep doing it until dust settled over our bodies.
“This is really great, but I’m pretty sure I’ll get fired if I hold you for much longer,” Ralph said softly.
“Sorry.” I stepped out of his embrace, swallowing the shame threatening to creep up my throat.
He shrugged. “It’s cool.”
“Do you like me or not?”
Ralph made that adorable sound, a bit of laughter mixed with nervous gibberish, and then said, “Well, yeah.”
“Do you want to go out sometime?”
A tiny, shy smile. “Sure.”
“Coffee or tea?”
“Tea,” he said, melting my heart into a puddle of goo. “I know this amazing hole-in-the-wall down by Pike Place Market—”
“All That and a Bag of Leaves?” I asked hopefully.
Ralph jerked back in surprise. “Yeah. You know it?”
“I’ve only been once but I loved it.”
He was grinning real big now. “Great. I was planning on working late tonight but I can duck out in about an hour. I’ll meet you out front?”
I stepped up and planted a kiss on his
