I’m not going to ask you to forgive me.
Good, because I never would.
I did it to give you and Uncle Vic and Anthony a chance to truly live.
There was no way we could truly live, not without her.
Do everything you’ve ever wanted and more.
All I ever wanted was for her to be safe and happy. Was she safe? Could she be happy now that she was all alone?
Get married. Make babies. Make mistakes.
And who was I going to run to when I didn’t know how to make things right?
I love you, little brother.
“No, you don’t. Otherwise you’d still be here!” I screamed that last part up at the glass ceiling.
My voice echoed in the empty birdhouse. This place used to be a refuge, somewhere Jasmine could go to find peace and a little bit of joy. Now it was just grimy glass walls, drooping plants, filtered water and cold stone. A place without warmth, without life. Without Jasmine.
Without Jasmine.
Putting my head in my hands, I screamed some more.
Chapter 44
Esmeralda
I went back to the hospital because Charlie hadn’t been answering my texts. I knew he was working on the investigation so I didn’t think anything of it. I figured I could help by visiting Victor and comforting anyone I found there at his side. But when I arrived, the detective was awake. Completely cured. His right eye worked and everything. I had a ton of questions but not even Victor knew what had happened. Charlie showed up then, looking like…well, like Jasmine had died. He didn’t say anything, just handed his uncle a note.
After he was finished reading, Victor Campbell bowed his head and cried. Straight up burst into tears. There was sobbing and snot—the whole nine yards. Then Charlie started crying. Neither of them would tell me what the hell was going on. I had to pry the note out of the detective’s hands.
“Well, shit,” I muttered after I’d finished reading it.
Then I started crying. I’d been there before, when my dad died. I knew there was no point in trying to be strong. What mourning people needed was someone to be a mess alongside them, someone to show them that they weren’t alone. Because no amount of words could fix the fact that this person, who was supposed to always be there, suddenly wasn’t. And never would be again.
The only thing that hurt more than knowing Jasmine was gone was knowing how broken and hurt Charlie was now. The best guy in the whole Goddamn world just couldn’t catch a break.
◆◆◆
After the doctors had performed all their tests and had discovered nothing that explained Victor’s miraculous recovery, he was discharged from the hospital. He and Charlie went back to the precinct. Before they left, they asked me not to tell Aunt Dinah anything until they’d come up with a cover story, which I totally understood. The only problem was that I had to pretend like everything was fine. Even though I knew damn well that Charlie would never be fine. I took an Uber back to my aunt’s.
I tolerated Hunter for another evening, which wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Ever since Aunt Dinah chewed him out, he’d been quieter, like a sulking kid. It was a huge improvement so I couldn’t complain too much. My mom and I played some board games and helped my aunt prepare dinner. We had dessert on the plastic-covered couches in the sitting room and watched a movie. Then we all went to bed. It was so normal; it almost didn’t feel real.
All the while I wondered how Charlie and Victor were doing, whether they’d been coherent enough to get themselves something to eat. I was sure their evening couldn’t have felt very real either, what with the new Jasmine-shaped hole in the apartment.
Charlie tapped on my window at eleven-ish. We cuddled in bed for a while, not saying anything. I held him tighter when he started shaking. It was all I could do.
He spent the night. We didn’t plan it that way. He just cried himself to sleep. I eventually nodded off too. He was nestled up beside me, using my collarbone as a pillow. It wasn’t as if I could’ve gone anywhere. When morning came, I was little spoon. Charlie had his arm around me and his nose pressed against the back of my head. I could feel his breath moving through my hair, sliding down my neck. Like a finger tracing a warm line over my scalp and skin.
It should’ve freaked me out because Marty used to run his finger down my spine before we had sex. It used to send me into an anxiety attack every time he did it. But this felt different somehow.
Maybe it was because Charlie was asleep, vulnerable, completely unaware of what he was doing. Maybe it was because he’d been so hurt and vulnerable last night. Maybe it was just because it was Charlie, and I trusted him more than I’d ever trusted a guy before.
Whatever the reason, this proved to me that I wouldn’t be afraid to have sex with him when the time came. I wouldn’t be afraid to do anything as long as it was with him. He was my safe place, and always would be. With that empowering thought, I carefully rolled over and kissed him awake.
“You have to go,” I whispered. “Your uncle is going to kill you.”
“Shit,” he grumbled, blinking sleepily. Once he’d untangled himself from the covers, he lumbered around the room like a zombie, gathering his things.
Charlie planted a clumsy kiss on my lips before he tumbled out of my window and disappeared into the early morning light. I smiled as I watched him go. I was glad he’d stayed over. I was glad I could be there for him. It really sucked that Jasmine was gone, but I looked forward to being his comfort and strength in the future.
October 12th, 2019
In my wildest
